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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day (North America)

900 - A horde of plus-sized Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA, selling meatballs and lingonberry sauce to all.
1847 - The last survivors of the Donner Party are out of the wilderness. Shortly thereafter, the first McDonners restaurant opens. First item on the menu: McRib.
1862 - The worlds first battery operated fork is created, two million die during its first use.
1859 - Ground is broken for the Suez Canal. Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
1915 - Australians invade Turkey, but couldn't get past the smell of street kebab.
1921 - Fattest US president in history, William Howard Taft, eats his own ruptured spleen.
2016 - The International Federation of Dentists cancel all appointments for the month of August until Americans learn to floss.

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Picture of the day

Hunted almost to extinction for their magnificent plumage, the booby population has exploded thanks to careful protection by ornithologists of the final breeding pair. Two boobies, in the vernacular of birdwatching, are known as "a pair of tits".

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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