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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Horror was brought to NASA's headquarters as the north star, also known as Polaris, had suddenly vanished this night. Outcry has spread across the world, as compasses are exploding everywhere, as their only source of direction has unexpectedly disappeared. The subspecies of human known as "flat earthers" claim this as a victory against the globists, although their statements are complete and utter bullshit.

Now, for our non-space fans here, fucking shoot yourself. Why would you read an article about the North Star disappearing... if you don't know about it? But for the majority of you non-space fans who haven't shot themselves, the description of what the north star is... well, in the name. It's a star aligned perfectly north. If we get rid of it... NO MORE NORTH!

... anyways ... (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?

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In the news [edit]

"BOMBOCLAAAAAT!"

Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! (Pictured)
United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
US government shitdown inundates over 1000 flights with shit
- Democrats finally cave and end the shitdown
New York City goes full Commie, elects Zohran Mamdani as mayor
Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series with lucky bullshit, become the Kansas City Chiefs of baseball
Dingo eats a woman's baby
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government shits itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Republicans and rich people fleeing NYC

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • the penny

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career • Coral reefs • ~~The economy of~~ Capitalism in NYC • Bills Mafia's livers and kidneys after losing horribly to the Miami Dolphins • Weed • Stranger Things

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On this day [edit]

It takes a brobdingnagian word to describe a brobdingnagian face.

November 14: Brobdingnagian Day, Jokes That Only Work in Albanian Day (Albania)

1337 - People first come up with the idea of substituting letters with numbers which l00k s1m1lar. Blind people using text-to-speech programs rue the day.
1922 - The British Broadcasting Corporation begins their first radio broadcast, instructing listeners how to feed the tiny man inside their radios.
1933 - King Kong climbs, humps Statue of Liberty, who sues the simian for sexual harassment.
1998 - Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra marry in Las Vegas, marking the beginning of the ugly bride marries hot bride craze.
2003 - The Dwarf planet Sedna is discovered by astronomers, but back then they call it a "little midget" planet, before we knew better.
2022 - World switches to Metric time. Women with hourglass figures lose value.

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Just when you thought hospital food couldn't get any worse...

Image credit: Doug
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