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From today's featured article 

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In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating, originally known simply as With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating, is a popular postmodern interpretation, often applied to classical works. The scope of this style is not entirely limited to artwork, as well-known editions of Fyodor Dostoevsky's novel Crime and Punishment and Radiohead's sophomore album The Bends have been made in recent years.

The style was born nameless some time during the middle ages, when a German sect of Gregorian monks in self-imposed isolation would practice the arts while pleasuring themselves to pass the time. The tapestries and manuscripts they created during these time were of unique design bearing almost no resemblance to those created by more conservative sects that frowned upon frequent masturbation. Lacking the intricacies and detailed engravings of their contemporaries, the work of the Seed-Wasters instead focused on the passion and entropy that lay beneath the surface of the artwork. This was, however, considered to be faint praise for a style that exhibited little to no effort and, occasionally, gratuitous semen stains. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)
  • ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
  • ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
  • ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
  • ... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
  • ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
  • ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
  • ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?

In the news 

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Too bad you can't customize this in the original.

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day • Some big shot musical award • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota

Recent deaths: The MetroCardStranger ThingsKaliVecnaThe Upside Downthe other Black guy from John Carpenter's The ThingBob WeirScott AdamsKianna UnderwoodBuffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenureDenver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons • UncyclopediaCatherine O'HaraLamont

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpNYC's economy • WeedDick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government

On this day 

If a groundhog sees its shadows, it's DTF

February 3: Fuck a Groundhog Day

Picture of the day

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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 41,099 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.