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Northern translation:Ey up luv! Get yers arse on t' Uncyclopedia, before Tom, Dick or Arry do or ye gunner get a thrapin'!

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On the telly tonight

Nelson Roflmfao Mandela (18 July 1918 – 5 December 2013) was a South African racist and politician who served as President of South Africa for three decades. His administration focused on re-directing racism, poverty and inequality to the detriment of all races. He served as de facto president of the African National Congress (ANC) political party from 1963 to 1999. Despite his odious politics, he retained a certain amount of affection in the global community, largely due to his resemblance to actor Morgan Freeman.

Mandela was born in Tallahassee, Florida to a surprised white father and a guilty-looking white mother. As a young boy he grew up with a confused hatred for both black and white people, and dreamed of moving to South Africa after hearing Malcolm X describing it as "a country that preaches segregation and practises segregation." He saw South Africa as an opportunity to bring misery to both races, by taking money from the oppressive whites, while at the same time continuing to oppress black people under his own terms. (Full article...)

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Lest we forget

Business in the front, Grand Old Party in the back.

June 17: Presidential Mullet Day (U.S.)

1878 - Mount Everest built by Nepal to encourage tourism growth, and annoy Tibet.
1885 - An immigrant from France, the Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor and lands a job as an oversized greeter.
1980 - Regicide is all the rage, until the local king bans it. Prude.
1992 - Lieutenant Planet is promoted to Captain Planet.
1994 - OJ Simpson, football legend and innocent man, is chased through the streets of LA in a show of overreach and incompetence by the LAPD.
1995 - Activists raid a waffle mill and manage to set thousands of waffles bred in captivity free onto the streets of Chicago.
2001 - After years of disappointing sales of Regular K, Kellogg's releases Special K to huge success.

Ye Royal Archives

Paddington Blair's word for today is
[[

flight]]
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

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Auntie Beeb reports:

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

The Kremlin: Vladimir Putin "totally didn't participate in a Pride parade, nothing to see here.."
Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton · The NBA logo guy
Upcoming deaths: Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

More Current Events at Beeb News

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Did you chaps know...

... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?

Do you blimey care...[edit source]

... that this is why we can't have nice things?

Care to read more?

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners