Babel:Ch

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Respect my Neutralitah!
I'm Rich Bitch!
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Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?

Thirty percent!

That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!

*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*

Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)

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December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve

  • 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
  • 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
  • 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
  • 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
  • 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
  • 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.


Archived Anniversaries

Things happening in the rest of the world, which didn't make us a profit.


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Take that, Betty White!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as PrinceRich New Yorkers fleeing MamdanistanLarry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirementRavens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke

Recent deaths: The pennyUdo KierJimmy CliffWarner Bros.Sheen EstevezChet UbetchaDoug DimmadomeZed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal FarmKansas City Chiefs' season • Rob ReinerBowen Yang's tenure on SNLDallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song ContestDEIIran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBCDonald TrumpNYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCardDick van Dyke, eventually • 2025


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Banker of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


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