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The Lockheed Martin Nuclear Attack Force and Creators of All Things Aerial and Destructive Corporation, often shortened to read Lockheed Martin Corporation, sometimes Lunkhead Moron Corporation, or even just Lockheed Martin, is an American offense defense company with the singular goal of designing weapons that can more easily turn a person into a fine red mist for the low cost of $5,000,000 per shot. Lockheed Martin is considered the holy grail of job opportunities for anyone interested in engineering, math, ethics, or just the opportunity to obliterate things. They are most well known for their consumer products including the F-22 Raper, the Orion-class spaceships, the C-130 Hunkules, and most notably "Project Pat" missiles. (Full article...)

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Selected anniversaries

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April 6: Arson Wednesday (New Zealand)

  • 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now."
  • 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
  • 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congregationalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
  • 1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
  • 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil forced to skate to work.
  • 1974 - ABBA wins Eurovision, marking the beginning of the Mamma Mia Invasion.
  • 1985 - Video games are first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
  • 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.
  • 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the U.S. Government denies reports of its existence.


Archived Anniversaries

Things happening in the rest of the world, which didn't make us a profit.


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Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert MuellerTransgender self-identity in India • Mr. StricklandC.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • SoraTiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP


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  • ... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
  • ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
  • ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
  • ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
  • ... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
  • ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
  • ... that every time you fall asleep, you die?

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Banker of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners



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