Babel:1337

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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

DID Y0U KN0W...

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  • ... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)
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  • ... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)
  • ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
  • ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
  • ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
  • ... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
  • ... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
  • ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
  • ... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
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  • ... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)
  • ... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
  • ... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
  • ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
  • ... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
  • ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
  • ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
  • ... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
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  • ... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)
  • ... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
  • ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
  • ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
  • ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
  • ... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
  • ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
  • ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.

IN 7H3 N3W5

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Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter ParalympicsSaturn AwardsChucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • BuffyXander Harris

Upcoming deaths: WeedDancin' MaduroIranMahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Every Cesar Chavez Street's name

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

Any excuse to use Alphonse Mucha art, it's culture people

March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably

  • 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
  • 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
  • 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
  • 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
  • 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.

70D4Y'5 F347UR3D PIC7UR3

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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