Babel:1337

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The Autoconspiracy 2000 (more commonly known as the Conspiracy Theory Generator) is a top-secret computer program built by the world's most elite historians and computer scientists for the purpose of expanding historical knowledge beyond that which would normally not be achievable by humans. The goal of the program is to map out and eventually solve every historical uncertainty by "Exploring the Infinite Chronoscape" as the program's metadata puts it.

Early versions of the Autoconspiracy can be traced back to prehistoric times, where archaeological records show evidence of some particularly clever cavemen who had studied the natural patterns of moss and of mud to explain the origins of organic material. More refined methods of discovering hidden truths came later, culminating with the final Autoconspiracy version, Autoconspiracy 2000 c. 2000. (Full article...)

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DID Y0U KN0W...

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that the police are at your door?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?

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He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|**
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February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day 1803 - In Marbury v Madison, two men named Mr. Marbury and Mr. Madison fight each other with canes, and the Supreme Court decides who wins. 1863 - People on their way to California collapse from heat while traveling across the desert, and rather than dying with humanity, they found Arizona. 1920 - God decides today is a good day to create Nazis, a few select Germans suddenly feel an unusual aversion to international Jewry. 1942 - Aliens attack the city of Los Angeles! (Pictured) They're confused for Japanese soldiers due to racism. 1978 - Five men disappear after attending a college basketball game in California. The bodies of four of them were actually clones of the same person. 2007 - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe launches a spy satellite to perv on Kim Jong-un's sister, Kim Yo-jong. 2008 - Fidel Castro retires, spends the rest of his days smoking cigars and laughing at assassination attempts. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

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Although the practice has been popular in Japan for centuries, only recently have men in Western countries begun to wear live hens in the place of the usual cloth neck ties.

Image credit: The Hedgehog
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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