Babel:1337

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Mark Rothko (September 25, 1903 – February 25, 1970) was a Latvian born, American artist who became famous for his color field, abstract expressionist paintings. Since he personally rejected those labels to describe his work and even bristled at the word “abstract”, it’s fair to throw in pretentious avante-garde nutjob as well.

The first achievement of anyone who wishes to become an artist is to break your parent’s hearts by becoming “the special child” who ignores the economic realities of life and forgoes a lucrative or realistic career for the sake of hanging out with other people just like him or herself. Rothko accomplished this pre-requisite during the American Great Depression of the 1930’s and left his mother crying “why why why” many years before the phrase would be popularized by Nancy Kerrigan. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

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DID Y0U KN0W...

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  • ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
  • ... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
  • ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
  • ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
  • ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
  • ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
  • ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
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  • ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
  • ... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
  • ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
  • ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
  • ... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
  • ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
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  • ... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)
  • ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
  • ... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
  • ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
  • ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
  • ... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
  • ... that you've just lost the game?
  • ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
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  • ... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)
  • ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
  • ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
  • ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
  • ... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
  • ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
  • ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
  • ... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
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  • ... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
  • ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
  • ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
  • ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
  • ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
  • ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
  • ... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?

IN 7H3 N3W5

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Ongoing: Privacy-infringing Nanny state officials enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran

Recent deaths: Team Canada's pride • Some nerd named Robert CarradineWarner Bros. bidding war • Neil SedakaAli Khamenei

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpWeedDancin' MaduroIran

Undetermined: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

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March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)

  • 3500 BC - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses IV hits a small cat with his chariot. Shameful.
  • 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
  • 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland.
  • 1962 - Julia Childs releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
  • 1969 - President Nixon continues the Road Kill bombing over Vietnam.
  • 1990 - Road Kill is officially the new Mystery Meat in school lunches.
  • 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs "I'm going to fucking bury that dog. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking Kill that dog."

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Lego Assassination
The Lego JFK Assassination Set was the top selling toy of 1963. Collectors have been known to pay up to twenty-seven dollars on eBay.

Image credit: Sliferjam
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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