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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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DID Y0U KN0W...

... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)

... that Gerry Adams IS the Lord of the Dance? (Pictured)

... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

... that video games have been linked to aggressive behavior in teenagers? (Pictured)

... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.

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IN 7H3 N3W5
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • Buffy • Xander Harris Upcoming deaths: Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Every Cesar Chavez Street's name UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|**
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast. 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink. 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel. 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression. 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats. 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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