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Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."
The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)
- ... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)
- ... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
- ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
- ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
- ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
- ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
- ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
- ... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)
- ... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)
- ... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
- ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
- ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
- ... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
- ... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
- ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
- ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
- ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
- ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
- ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
- ... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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March 18: World Happiness Day
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
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