Babel:1337

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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

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DID Y0U KN0W...

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?

... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)

... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?

... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)

... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that the butler did it?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?

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IN 7H3 N3W5
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|**
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
March 14: American π Day 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius. 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made. 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac. 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough. 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible. 2004 - The day Krabs fries 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics." 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

70D4Y'5 F347UR3D PIC7UR3

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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