Babel:1337

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Sick Orchids.jpg

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

DID Y0U KN0W...

Broek.jpg
  • ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)
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  • ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
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  • ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
  • ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
  • ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
  • ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
  • ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
  • ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
  • ... that there is one imposter among us?
Woh.jpg
  • ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
  • ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
  • ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
  • ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
  • ... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
  • ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
When-i-grow-up.jpg
  • ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
  • ... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
  • ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
  • ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
  • ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
  • ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
  • ... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
Kilroy was here.gif
  • ... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)
Don Adams.jpg
  • ... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)
  • ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
  • ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
  • ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
  • ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
  • ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
  • ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
  • ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

IN 7H3 N3W5

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Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn AwardsChucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • BuffyXander HarrisRobert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' MaduroIranMahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

Ah shit where'd I put that screwdriver?

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

70D4Y'5 F347UR3D PIC7UR3

Lego Assassination
The Lego JFK Assassination Set was the top selling toy of 1963. Collectors have been known to pay up to twenty-seven dollars on eBay.

Image credit: Sliferjam
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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


BePrepared.png

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


Noobaward.png

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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