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It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how you cried like a little pussy as she wasted away into an emaciated pile of death. She'd bring us lemonade with a smile hiding her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I deserved her love more than you but, you know, she was your grandma. I think she loved me more than she loved you, but I never said that because that would be an asshole move, and I love you brah, would never be a dick to you.
We were young and awesome (especially me) with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her hospital bed gagging on a tube. The irony is that she lived a selfless life and yet the universe didn't care. She spent her last days are with a tube down her throat unable to breathe. Of course I didn't laugh out loud (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy, especially when you are concerned. So I waited 10 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene watching Grandma rot away in pain. Wasn't it a classic hoot? (Full article...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)
- ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
- ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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PR073C73D BY 7|-|3 F4IR U53 C14U53, 4ND 4 1337 C14N 0F C1INJ45.