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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?

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World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|**
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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