Babel:1337

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President Nicolas Maduro on board the USS Iwo Jima (cropped).png

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following air strikes on Caracas and the successful capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump was given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for his commendable work of putting an end to the war he started approximately three hours ago. This tallies his Nobel prizes to fifteen so far (three in one year) which is an accomplishment as it is only a yearly award.

Chief of Staff Susie Wiles lamented the lack of shelf space to store all of Trump's numerous Nobel Peace Prizes (all of them legitimate and certified Swedish). This was the real motivation for adding a ballroom extension to the White House, in part to throw lavish parties in a time of economic struggle, but also for a place to store all of Trump's Nobel prizes.

Marco Rubio, a devout Christian, was seen pacing the grounds of what was once the White House Rose Garden (now a ballroom storage space for prizes), masturbating furiously to an AI-generated image of Havana burning. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured.png

DID Y0U KN0W...

Walrus in pain.gif
  • ... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)
  • ... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
  • ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
  • ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
  • ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
  • ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
  • ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?

IN 7H3 N3W5

StarmerBikini.png
Downing Street denies this image.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing MamdanistanLarry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Non-playoff NFL teams firing their coaches • Jim and John Harbaugh family vacation in Cancun

Recent deaths: Doug DimmadomeZed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal FarmRob ReinerBowen Yang's tenure on SNLPatrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte BardotCarl Yastrzmski2025 • The MetroCardStranger ThingsKaliVecnaThe Upside DownNew York Rangers' fans livers and kidneys • Green Bay Packers', Carolina Panthers', Jacksonville Jaguars', Los Angeles Chargers', Philadelphia Eagles', and Pittsburgh Steelers' seasons • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The ThingBob WeirScott Adams

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpNYC's economy • Weed67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • The Sabres actually being good? • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Aaron Rodgers' career, maybe

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New Yak Republic

January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)

  • 1889 - Coca-Cola replaces cocaine in its formula with the milder caffeine, consumers complain, but without cocaine, they only end up being slightly anxious.
  • 1919 - A giant tank of molasses in Boston, Massachusetts bursts and floods streets, killing 21. What makes their deaths any less tragic?
  • 1967 - The first Super Bowl advertisements air on television. Since then, what was supposed to be "Football's Biggest Night" has always been nothing but advertisements.
  • 1976 - Michio Kaku finds the perfect conditioner for his unique hair, sadly, it is banned everywhere except Estonia.
  • 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. spins in his grave, but not for any real reason, that's just a thing he does.
  • 1987 - The two-headed Ukrainian Yak (B. grunniens chernobylian) emerges from the radioactive forest surrounding Pripyat, providing a useful source of protein to the people of northern Ukraine.
  • 2001 - Wikipedia, the aggregate of all mankind's knowledge, goes online, first article is List of Power Rangers episodes.

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The Hockeyzooka
The War Against Terror (TWAT) was fought with whatever tools the combatants could fashion themselves. The hockeyzooka, a weapon used by terrorist footsoldiers in the 9/11 attacks, proved devastatingly effective against the government's more ungainly thermonuclear warheads.

Image credit: Machinecurse
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


Noobaward.png

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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