Babel:1337

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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

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DID Y0U KN0W...

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  • ... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)
  • ... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
  • ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
  • ... that I am inside your walls?
  • ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
  • ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
  • ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
  • ... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
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  • ... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)
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  • ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)
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  • ... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)
  • ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
  • ... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
  • ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
  • ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
  • ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
  • ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
  • ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
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  • ... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)
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  • ... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)
  • ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
  • ... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
  • ... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
  • ... that the butler did it?
  • ... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
  • ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
  • ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?

IN 7H3 N3W5

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How irrational.

March 14: American π Day

  • 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
  • 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
  • 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
  • 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
  • 2004 - The day Krabs fries
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
  • 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


BePrepared.png

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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