Babel:1337

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MonkeyInFridge69.png

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

DID Y0U KN0W...

JemimaLisa.jpg
  • ... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)
Cabbage.PNG
  • ... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)
MrWinklerIsGay.gif
Don Adams.jpg
  • ... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)
  • ... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
  • ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
  • ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
  • ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
  • ... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
  • ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
  • ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
MrWinklerIsGay.gif
  • ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
  • ... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
  • ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
  • ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
  • ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
  • ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
Chilifinger.jpg
  • ... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)
  • ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
  • ... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
  • ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
  • ... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
  • ... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
  • ... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
  • ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
Nineleven.jpg
  • ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
  • ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
  • ... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
  • ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
  • ... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
  • ... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
  • ... that your fly is unzipped?

IN 7H3 N3W5

US-Canada hockey brawl.jpg
"USA! USA!"

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein FilesWinter Olympicsr/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Brad ArnoldNFL season • Lindsay Vonn's legSome kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny titleJames Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert DuvallKurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse JacksonYouTubeTom NoonanMcSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpNYC's economy • WeedDick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

Justice for Han

February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day

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Insert image title here, without link
The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


BePrepared.png

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


Noobaward.png

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

You only have 5 (five!) more days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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