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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following air strikes on Caracas and the successful capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump was given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for his commendable work of putting an end to the war he started approximately three hours ago. This tallies his Nobel prizes to fifteen so far (three in one year) which is an accomplishment as it is only a yearly award.
Chief of Staff Susie Wiles lamented the lack of shelf space to store all of Trump's numerous Nobel Peace Prizes (all of them legitimate and certified Swedish). This was the real motivation for adding a ballroom extension to the White House, in part to throw lavish parties in a time of economic struggle, but also for a place to store all of Trump's Nobel prizes.
Marco Rubio, a devout Christian, was seen pacing the grounds of what was once the White House Rose Garden (now a ballroom storage space for prizes), masturbating furiously to an AI-generated image of Havana burning. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)
- ... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
- ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
- ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)
- 1889 - Coca-Cola replaces cocaine in its formula with the milder caffeine, consumers complain, but without cocaine, they only end up being slightly anxious.
- 1919 - A giant tank of molasses in Boston, Massachusetts bursts and floods streets, killing 21. What makes their deaths any less tragic?
- 1967 - The first Super Bowl advertisements air on television. Since then, what was supposed to be "Football's Biggest Night" has always been nothing but advertisements.
- 1976 - Michio Kaku finds the perfect conditioner for his unique hair, sadly, it is banned everywhere except Estonia.
- 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. spins in his grave, but not for any real reason, that's just a thing he does.
- 1987 - The two-headed Ukrainian Yak (B. grunniens chernobylian) emerges from the radioactive forest surrounding Pripyat, providing a useful source of protein to the people of northern Ukraine.
- 2001 - Wikipedia, the aggregate of all mankind's knowledge, goes online, first article is List of Power Rangers episodes.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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