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From today's featured article
John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond 
to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?
- ... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
- ... that you've just lost the game?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
- ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
- ... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
- ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
In the news
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day
Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • Dawson (Pictured)
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce
On this day
February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day
- 804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats.
- 1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan.
- 1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead.
- 1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes.
- 1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it.
- 1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection.
- 2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences.
Picture of the day
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DaVinci's Hewlett-Packard printer was to be the undoing of his most famous work, resulting in what art scholars have termed the "Mono Lisa."
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