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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The great love of my life marries today and I am not the groom, though I'd gratefully have settled for bridesmaid.

I had my chance a few years ago, but did not realize until too late how fleeting my moment with her was meant to be. Whether it was my fault or hers, and let's face it, it was probably ~~hers~~ mine. I will wonder always about the life I might have had with the most loving and loveable woman I have ever had the pleasure of intimately exploring.

Sometimes, I finally now understand, love, even ~~jungle~~ crazy love, is not enough. Sometimes, as the romance novelists know, timing is everything.

But today is not a day for remorse. It is not a day for lost causes. Today is a day for celebration. The woman I once promised to keep happy is happy. She tells me she is marrying a wonderful man, with a good heart and fully descended testes, whom she believes I would not have headbutted had we met in different circumstances. She lives where she wants to live. She has selected her life's path. All that is left for me to do is to wish her well and to hope that she ~~gets divorced in a few years~~ has made the right choice; that she continues to find in him what she did not find in me. And I am sure he considers himself today the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. ~~although I'll see what I can do about that in this letter.~~ (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
...the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?

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In the news [edit]

Eh?

Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian (Pictured)
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
New Easter Bunny is a fascist
4chan hacked, nobody cares
Vatican commits simony
YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE
Scientists revive some dead wolves because they can
Steve's Lava Chicken shut down due to health code violations

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyes and ears • Val Kilmer • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Your 401K • Jay North • The 1-game "playoff runs" of the mid-tier NBA teams • SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global Economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Gawr Gura • Google's ad monopoly

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On this day [edit]

April 24: Regretting Eating Those Novelty Chocolate Easter Bunnies Day (U.S.)

∞ BC - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
1856 - The word chairman is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as "A person with a proclivity to stand sitting."
1862 - The American Civil War on spelling begins, the letter 'u' in 'color' being the first victim.
1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born, sadly, he was born in Croatia.
2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full," all immigrants rerouted to Nunavut.

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The revised logo for the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa has been designed to incorporate the host nation's actual national sport...

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