User:Tabbyrat/America's Most Wanted
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America's Most Wanted is a beauty pagent held on Memorial Day in state prisons and some off-shore political detainee camps (a division of Clandestine Club Med.) The prison guards compete in 3 categories for forced sexual favors from their own choice of inmates who are nicknamed "America's Most Wanted". The categories of competition are:
Paul Bunyon's Bunions (most interesting footgrowth)
Tie-dyed T-shirt Contest (body fluids only)
Best Looking Shit
History of the Pagent[edit | edit source]
Many state governments found themselves with a large cash surplus when a pet project, hiring local prostitutes to lecture in high school sex education classes was cancelled several weeks into the school year. States were encouraged to pool their unspent funds and recieve a matching Federal grant available for Homeland Security projects. Much of the funds went towards building an extensive closed circuit TV system which links the major peneteniaries in what is known in the jargon as "CON TV". To appease the powerful Nevada Sex Workers Union, Neb Bush in one of his many unofficial duties as a former winner, appointed their union president as the mistress of ceremonies and hostage negotiator. To recompense the loss of school funding, High Schools in participating communities now have paid afterschool work projects to process the admission forms and handle the lucrative mailorder business of pagent DVD's, t-shirts, and other merchandising. So, in this way, crime DOES pay!
HOW TO ENTER[edit | edit source]
Apply to your nearest prison for a fulltime paying position in their community.
Write a 500 word haiku about the Marat Sade.
Have someone tatoo your haiku on body parts (yours) generally unseen by the public.
Xerox this and have someone photograph you doing so.
Have that photo blown up (enlarged, not exploded) and mount it on a flagpole.
Re-photograph that with a cellphone and send it to the address below.
Homeland Security grants are also available for cosmetic surgery such as head from anal removal and anal enlargement for head re-insertion, if you check the box next to "witness protection" on form 905A-1. See diagram 27b
SPINOFFS & BENEFITS[edit | edit source]
Former winners of the pagent, many who now have top positions at Dick Cheney's favorite clipjoint,
are developing spin-offs in Iraq, Afghanistan, and a series of daytime after-deathsquad-school specials.
Suicide attempts by prison guards have lowered by almost .03% during the volatile leap year equinox. Everybody knows that most terrorist cells are influenced by an undetermined number of prison guards across the country who are part of the "OREO" network (Only Republicans with Erectile disOrders). So occupying them with the pagent means they have less time left for terrorist-aiding activities. In this way, the spirit of the Federal Homeland Security grantmaking is in abidance with it's official mandrakes.
official mandrake
--Tabbyrat 23:24, 21 September 2006 (UTC)