User:SPIKE/All five leads

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Microsoft developing Windows for phone chips ( listen) LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Microsoft is developing Windows for the chips in cell phones. To be determined: Whether the caller will press Ctrl-Alt-Del once or twice to recover from the Blue Screen of Death. Another company will make phones based on the PDP-8, whose 0.0012 GHz processor is so anemic that the four D cells may never need recharging. Full story»

|rowspan="3" class="latest_news" id="MainPage_latest_news" valign="top"| Latest news

• Starmer's approval rating sinks down by about six or seven points
• Russian ship shines laser pointer at British planes
• DeSantis signs Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and ...
• Russian economy on life support
• Starmer to ban reselling tickets
• Pennsylvania legalises flying cars
• Union City celebrated 250th anniversary of Marines
• Trump kills the penny
• Russia’s new humanoid robot faceplants on stage
• Thieves steal six seven Roman statues from Syrian National Museum
• Ayy mon, they be da Hurricane in Jamaica!
• UK sends so-called “military experts” to Belgium to deal with drone attacks
• A new candidate enters 2028 Presidential race
• A dingo ate my baby
• Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky Star
• Over 1000 flights cancelled due to US government shutdown
• GD creator postpones 2.3 again.
• Mark Sanchez buttfumbles again
• US Government shits itself
• Trump gets COVID booster shot despite supporters making their entire personaliti...

» Older news

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Bin Laden captured after checking-in on Foursquare ( listen) (VFH) PESHAWAR, Pakistan -- Al-Qaeda leader and amateur short filmmaker Osama bin Laden has been captured after "checking-in" to a social network. Foursquare gives special offers for members who alert others to their location, although paltry compared to the $25 million bounty on bin Laden's head. Full story»

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Jay Cutler ready to be sacked in playoffs LAKE FOREST, Illinois -- This season is the first time the Chicago Bears quarterback will be able to be sacked in the playoffs. Three other key players also will be making their postseason debuts, while the experienced veterans can no longer remember how the playoffs function. Full story»

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Greeks can't afford interest payments, leave keys in letterbox ( listen) ATHENS, Greece -- The Greeks are abandoning the country instead of making repayments after a back-of-the-envelope calculation showed them they owed more than it was worth. Said Alexandra Bouboulis, "I'm planning to leave the taps on to flood the place when I leave. The new owners can deal with it." Full story»

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World takes Axl Rose to court PARADISE CITY, China -- A class-action law suit has been filed against Guns ’N Roses "front man" W. Axl Rose for being a conceited ginger twat and the biggest douche bag in the history of rock 'n' roll. The suit demands that he attend all his concerts and sing "like he actually means it." Full story»

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Instructions for {{Lead 2.1}} (Return to the UnNews Front Page):

• id—Don't change—Each of the five lead templates has its own number to indicate its position on the Front Page
• image—The image name (omit File:). There should always be an image, but if you leave this blank, the null image Spacer.gif will be used
• width—Desired width of the image, in pixels, usually 100px

Use of "type=" produces graphics like this. Use them only in the 1-Spot. In the side-by-side leads (2- through 5-Spots), these graphics mess up rendering on smaller screens.

• type—Normally none or leave blank. Otherwise, one of the following:
  • breaking for especially timely or time-critical stories
  • special
  • original for stories with {{Original}} instead of real sources
  • exclusive for "exclusive interviews," especially when they are exclusive because we're interviewing ourselves
  • urgent
  • editorial (2.1) for stories tagged as UnNews Editorials
  • column (2.1) for stories tagged as UnNews Columns
  • feature (2.1) for articles that are featured on the Uncyclopedia main page
• title—The page name (omit UnNews:); that is, the headline
• short_title—Optional—If the page name is too long or doesn't look like a headline, provide the desired headline here.
• summary—The first sentence or two of the story. If you can write a funnier lead by pulling stuff from throughout the story, that would be funnier.