“It's really quite pleasant, except for the smell”
“I went in and they asked me if I had any reservations. I said "Yes, with the decor, the service and probably the food as well. But I still want to dine here!"”
“In Soviet Russia soul sell you!”
‘’’Hell’’’ is a holiday resort in the core of the Earth. Famed for its brilliant food, large share of the package holiday market, and its rivers of magma, it is the choice of retirement location for over 6.9X10^10
heretics dead people retirees, as well as a temporary location for nearly 5000.
Here are the various districts contained in Hell.
- Limbo, by the beautiful river Acheron, easy to lose track of time here, notorious for its insect problems.
- Lust, the red light district. Enough said.
- Glutton, restaurant capital of the region, many places to eat, but famed for its terrible stormy weather.
- Avarice, a particularly rich district, good public transport on bags of money eternally pushed by residents.
- Wrath, a dangerous place, constant violence, although good entertainment to be had betting on fighters.
- Styx, large marsh containing endangered species such as Medusa and harpies.
- Heretic Sports Complex, containing the worlds only boiling blood swimming pool, with burning sand beach, see famous serial killers such as Harold Shipman, Jack the Ripper, and Jigsaw. Be careful not to get lost in the seemingly endless forest for emo kids. And for the health conscious an inescapable treadmill in a gym filled with perverts.
- Fraudland, a world renowned zoo. Watch seducers being whipped to walk! See the Flatterers being buried in excrement! See magicians perform the 'head twisting' trick! Wow, and your experience would not be complete without the corrupt politicians lake of hot tar!
- Lake Cocytus, a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round.
“Leave people to it and they will create their own little hell”
Hell has a few administrative problems...
- Those pushing the bags of money in Avarice must read Health & Safety guidelines every day
- Each evening, all inhabitants must fill out forms to review their
- Everything in hell is constantly internally auditted
- The internet booking system is a load of shite
- You still can't get through to BT
Issues you may encounter in hell as a...
Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power yet they do nothing at all, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the shitty flavor sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut!
'Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.
'Canadian:America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American.
Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.
Dominican':People think you are Puerto Rican.
Englishman You are forced to repeatedly write out your life story... using American spelling. You may only drink tea with lemon.
Frenchman: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity.
Greek: Everyone you are Turkish.
Icelandic: You are forced to watch "Lazytown" for eternity.
Irish: All the everyone will repeatedly say "Top of the morning to you!" in a bad Irish accent.
Israeli: Everyone you meet is Palestinian.
Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald's.
Japanese: Everything asks you if you are Chinese.
Mexican: You must wear a sombrero and poncho.
Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking.
Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli.
Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.
Portuguese: People constantly think you're Spanish.
Scotchman: Golf is attributed to America.
South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.
Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, 10 commandments violate you!
Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country declare independence every day.
South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.
Goth: One giant Hot Topic store where Misfits music is playing incessantly.
Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor's waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized. Your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and Hillary Clinton has a 98% presidential approval rating as after successfully eliminating the national debt.
Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories. Cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed. All Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools. You actually control 80% of both houses of Congress but still can't get the votes to override Jeb Bush's veto
Emo: No razors, Hawthorne Heights, or black hair dye. Tears will get you raped, by someone of the opposite gender (sorry).
Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish.
Famous actor: Everyone takes photos of you.
Secular Hell You are the Pope's dancing monkey.
Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked "No Redeeming Value" AND you are unable to edit them!
Interesting People Who You Will See In Hell
- Every Zig
- Leonidasof the Spartans
- Vincent Price
- This Guy
- That Guy
- Some Guy
- Your Mom
- Whoever designed the VCR
- Everyone who has tried to huff the Unhuffable Kitten
- Every dead monarch
- Kurt Cobain
- Whoever wrote Linux
- Charles Babbage
- Stephen Fry's grandfather
- Zaphod Beeblebrox
- Emo Hitler
- United States of America
- Pen Island
- HowTo: go to hell
- Hell (place)
- Southern United States
- 667: The Neighbor Of The Beast
- 7 Spheres of Hell
- H-E-Double Hockey Stick Land
- Mike Hell
- Rio de Janeiro
- Hell Desk
- Fargo North Dakota
- New Jersey
- Interstate 4
- Funny Overload
- Worst 100 Locations of All Time
- Are you a heretic
|Commonwealth of Independent Nations|
|Australia ~ Bangladesh ~ Belize ~ Botswana ~ Canada ~ Cameroon ~ Cyprus ~ Ghana ~ Great Britain ~ Guyana ~ Hell ~ India ~ Ireland ~ Jamaica ~ Kiribati ~ Malawi ~ Malaysia ~ Maldives ~ Malta ~ Mauritius ~ Mozambique ~ Nauru ~ New Zealand ~ Nigeria ~ Pakistan ~ Samoa ~ Singapore ~ South Africa ~ Sri Lanka ~ Swaziland ~ Rwanda ~ Tanzania ~ Tuvalu ~ Tonga ~ Trinidad and Tobago ~ Uganda ~ Zambia ~ Zimbabwe|