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“Good God, y'all. What is it good for?”

~ Edwin Starr on War

“Making money, killing people.”

~ Captain Obvious on Edwin Starr
The beauty of war.[1]

War is a behavior pattern exhibited by many primate species including humans, and also found in many ant species.[2] The primary goal of war is to gain dominance over the opposing side by directly killing, or indirectly causing the death of as many of the enemy's subordinates as possible, until all hostile forces have surrendered. However, the obvious purpose of war is to reestablish a natural balance between certain groups within both opposing sides.

Causes of War[edit]

  • Disagreements
  • Political gain
  • Assassinations
  • Predgiduce
  • Mass murder
  • Civil unrest
  • U.N. not minding their damn business
  • U.N. being too lazy and incompetent to do anything
  • Depressions
  • Agressions
  • Seccessions from so called Northern Agressions
  • Dictorial Acsensions
  • Sanctions
  • Verbal disputes
  • A shot heard around the world
  • Family quarrels
  • Lack of morales
  • Humility
  • Jealousy
  • Heresy
  • Saddam
  • Islam
  • Car bomb
  • You Mom
  • Molotovs
  • Kalashnikovs
  • Dictators in Africa
  • Dictators in Cuba
  • Dictators in Venezuela
  • Liberals in America
  • Machine guns
  • Angry nuns
  • Lack of nukes
  • Too many nukes
  • Geopolitical flukes
  • Communists
  • Fascists
  • Socialists
  • Anarchists
  • Eltists
  • Violence
  • Science
  • Silence


"War" is derived from Frankish *werra, which means "to bring about fundamental change."[3] The Latin word for war, bellum, literally means "that which is beautiful."[4] "Ares", the name given to the Greek personification of war and bloodshed, literally means "necessary destruction."[5]

History of war[edit]

Before the dawn of history war mainly consisted of small-scale raiding, enhancing the competitiveness among neighboring tribes. As large agricultural civilizations developed, major wars started occurring more often with armies becoming increasingly organized.

A noble human fighting one fucking ugly Neanderthal.

Human-Neanderthal Wars[edit]

Humans decided to slaughter the Neanderthals because they smelled and talked funny. A couple Neanderthals were also raped, thus enriching the human gene pool and giving rise to redheads.

Trojan War[edit]

The Trojans were slaughtered because they stole a Spartan chick. The Trojans also proved themselves to be of a very dupable nature, even bordering on stupidity, when they rolled the Trojan Horse into their city.

Leonidas, king of Sparta, slicing off the head of one fucking ugly Persian.

Greco-Persian Wars[edit]

The Persians were slaughtered, and would have been slaughtered more efficiently if not for the betrayal of Ephialtes, who was rightfully hunted down and stabbed to death after the war. Athens was burned too. Sparta is fine though.

Macedonian Conquests[edit]

Non-Macedonian Greeks, Persians and Indians were slaughtered. Alexander the Great conquers tons of land but dies of toothache.

Roman Conquests[edit]

Non-Roman people were slaughtered.

Hunnic Invasions[edit]

Non-Hunnic people were slaughtered.

Mongol Invasions[edit]

Non-Mongol people were slaughtered.

Muslim Conquests[edit]

Non-Muslims were slaughtered.

Except the ones that run into buildings shouting loo loooo loooo I blow up me and you!!!.


Following the Muslim's invention of Algebra, the European's said "Screw this" and decided to go kill the Muslims instead of doing their stupid homework. They won the first crusade, but then proceeded to lose like the next 9 or whatever.

European Colonization of the Americas[edit]

Non-European people were slaughtered. The U.N. condemned the genocide ineffectually.

American Revolutionary War[edit]

A lot of people were slaughtered. British People were teabagged after death in response to our American Tea Party. It is generally thought that the wrong side won (see War of Colonial Aggression).

Napoleonic Wars[edit]

France almost conquered the world! Luckily, Napoleon was stupid enough to attack Russia during the fall of winter, and concisely had his ass kicked. Some Europeans also died in the process.

American Civil War[edit]

Americans disagree about whether keeping niggas on their property should be legal and start killing each other.

The Alamo[edit]

A bunch of Texans and Mexicans died over an abandoned church. They couldn't decide who had the reservation for the Taco party on that day.

World War I[edit]

A lot of young men were slaughtered because everyone blamed Imperial Germany for starting the war when it was Serbian terrorists with aid by the Serbian Government who assassinated the Archduke and his pregnant wife. Although everyone forgets this about to this day, it's accepted into history as the Germans are German.

World War II[edit]

A lot of people were slaughtered, first mostly Jews and later on the Germans as well. Hitler was stupid enough to repeat Napoleon's mistake and had his ass kicked even more thoroughly than Napoleon.

Post-World War II[edit]

Recent improvements in the technologies of war have massively increased its potential destructiveness. Public concern has thus far forestalled a nuclear World War III, though for how long remains to be seen. Albert Einstein famously stated, "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."[6]

Cold War[edit]

Nothing but several Soviet weapons and vehicles gathering dust which drained the Soviet Union's economy, causing their imminent collapse in the early 1990's, and stupid diplomats too lazy to go and measure the other's dick. The outcome was America won without firing a shot.

Arab/Israeli War[edit]

Let's just say the Jewish people pretty much kicked the Arab's asses when the odds were heavily against them and still kick their asses today. The Israeli people maintain a long tradition of few, but well equipped and trained soldiers... And one really BA soldier named God. (America)

Korean War[edit]

Lots of Communist North Koreans died with American and South GOOD GUY Korean forces bringing the war to a stalemate since China got nosy.

Vietnam War[edit]

America armed with the best weapons available fought a bunch of jungle people, and got their asses handed to them on a plate. A lot of American soldiers and innocent civilians died. Nobody knows why other than the media playing role supporting the NVA.

Gulf War[edit]

America pretty much annihilated Saddam's Republican Army especially their handmedown Soviet T-72 tanks with the good old M1 Abrams and American spirit.

Gulf War II[edit]

Let's just say when you announce your going to invade Iraq of course Saddam was going to make sure the nukes were shipped to Syria before the missiles come crashing down over Baghdad and the M1 Abrams come rolling down every sand dusted block. Currently the war is over with Iraqi defense forces pretty much screwed to maintain any form order since it is a fact the Arab world has no sense of civility.

Guild Wars[edit]

Some people throwing paper and crayons at each other for a seemingly unending amount of time. This conflict is still ongoing.

Console Wars[edit]

Still ongoing. SEGA and Nintendo are at peace with SONY and Microsoft still being hostile belligerents years later.

American Civil War II: The Rebellion Strikes Back[edit]

Scheduled to come around 2012 due to the failing economy, Federal government over spending and higher taxes. All history can say is sit back and see what happens! The South will rise again!!

And sometimes on planets too!

Star Wars[edit]

A bunch of people got slaughtered in space. The war between Sith (AKA shit) against the peaceful dudes with glowing swords, and weird alien thing with ass faces.

Morality of wars[edit]


Effects of war[edit]

On soldiers[edit]

They die. Or live long productive lives.

On civilians[edit]

They die. They suffer. Often in that order.

On the economy[edit]

If you lose, it'll die 'cause you spent all your money trying to win.

If you win, it'll die anyway 'cause you spent more fighting than you gained winning.

See also[edit]


  1. Who wants to play "Kick The Skull"?
  2. The ants wage war with miniature guns that shoot formic acid.
  3. Obama promised to bring about change. He didn't bother saying what kind of change, though.
  4. War is beautiful.
  5. War is a universal phenomenon.
  6. Well, he did invent the atomic bomb for a reason, didn't he?
Fourhorsemen2.jpg The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Pestilence - War - Death - Famine

Forces of the Universe
Gravity | Electricity | War | Mathematics | Sophia | The Flying Spaghetti Monster | Black Metal