A Special Message From Uncyclopedia To You (No, U), <insert name here>

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Your future?

Virgil and Dante tickle the dead.

Dead (also spelled Ded) is the condition of being unalive, or aliven't, and the opposite of being undead. Doctors have trouble reversing this illness as it stems from an acute case of no longer living. Dead can be literal- "Your dog is dead, because I ate it - I'm Asian its a cultural thing." And it can also be figurative- "She laughed, and it made me feel dead inside." or "I laid down on the couch dead tired and had a snack, but at least the barking had been stopped."

Natural Progression

Organisms on Earth go through a life cycle with many stages, unless their name is Luke Osborn, in which case they live forever in a state of being so ugly and having such a big head that death does not want them (or Noel Coward, Where Uglyness is not an Option). Dead being the tertiary stage, preceded by Life, and Life after Divorce, though some experts allow for the stages of "Political Death" (when politicians embrace ideas for the betterment of their fellow man) and "Career Death" (nailing the boss' daughter). Though not identical, the two can (and often do) overlap. Other commonly referred to "stages" of death are "Brain Death" (see Paris Hilton) and "MegaDeath", a stage of death in which one becomes a super-rich, revenge-seeking, hell-bent, former member of Metallica with a substance abuse problem. This may be accompanied by a disease called "The 1980's" and high speed shred guitar playing.

Doctors have noted that all life functions cease when someone is declared dead with the exception of out of body experiences, reuniting with dead pets, visions of a white light, and obligations to appear on stage at ten o' clock at the Monte Carlo casino for the next thirty years. Death is the end of a biological process as all all biological functions stop. Being dead is a strange feeling as one cannot feel it, logically speaking, and reincarnation is a very gruesome process.

Some people seek to circumnavigate the cycle, throwing the system out of balance and causing huge paperwork headaches for St. Peter. The only way to successfully return from the dead is to file a form #CR-18B in septuplicate with Oprah, the IRS, Abraham Lincoln, and the extradimensional entity known as The Fonz.

Elvis Presley pictured at his nursing home in 2012.

People Who Won't Stay Dead and then Return to Life

Throughout history individuals have sought to remain alive, or return from the dead. One of the earlier high profile individuals to do so for three days and four nights was Jesus. This act was followed by many imitators over the following centuries including Nostradamus, Zombies and/or Frankenstein, Joan of Arc, Carmine, Harry Houdini, my depression, Elvis Presley, and Jerry Garcia (Garcia was dead long before he actually died, by the way). Often those who refuse to stay dead (and lack the proper paperwork) are hunted down by Death. (This is known as the Jeanne Calment Policy, by the way.) And also Justin Bieber is dead, but the public has kept him alive with cryogenics (thus his voice communicates at a frequency more appropriately geared for interaction with dolphins)

The living pretending to be dead are known as Goth. The dead pretending to be alive become black metal vocalists.

Things That Won't Stay Dead and then Return to Life

The warthog has died, but he lived. Therefore he is immortal.

People Who Won't Stay Dead and Then Become Undead

In 62 AD Emperor Nero was the first human to die, and then return to "life" as one of the undead. This was due in part to a prophecy in the book of Revelations Chapter 6, Paragraph 4, Subsection 28-

"And the beast which was and is not: the same also is the eighth, and is of the seven, and goeth into destruction."

The prophet John declared that Nero was the eighth head of the beast, and that he would come back, and his word was Jewish law. Other notable people to return from the dead as undead include- Pharoh's Tutankhamun through Cleto IV, Julius Caesar's slave- Veronicus, Popes Final Fantasy IX through John Paul II, Hannibal, Rob Zombie, David Bowie, and noted surgeon Jack the Ripper.

Controversy Surrounding Sleep vs. Dead

Origins

Differences arising from the condition known as sleep, and being dead began early on in the Garden of Eden with the death of the first human- Abel. One day God was spying on Adam and Eve, when he noticed Cain was out for a stroll. God appeared before Cain and asked him where his brother was. Cain replied- "He's sleeping in the Land of Nod". Which by all accounts was the first euphemism used for the condition of being dead, but God didn't pick up on that at that time being distracted by that crafty snake he had let loose in the garden. This led to the line between sleep and dead to be further blurred in the future- "Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up" (Jesus 11:11) (From the Christian Bible also known as the "Bible of Bibles" and the "Bathroom Book of Bathroom Books.")

The Bronze Age

Socrates debated with Aristotle on the differences between being asleep and being dead. Socrates maintained that Aristotle was- "As good as dead if he didn't shut up and leave him to catch up on his sleep." The debate raged until his trial, when Athena the goddess of Athens sentenced him to be shown "what it is to be really dead". Socrates was then forced to commit suicide by drinking a clover cocktail prepared by a jury of his peers. After the hemlock phase of the trial he was declared dead.

The Dark Ages

Before the advent of capital punishment, murder was rampant and an easy way to get yourself dead. Often confusion between the stages of sleep and dead would arise during these primitive murder years. Rocks, clubs, primitive poisons, and even bigger rocks left doubt on the actual deadness of a person. "I see that their eyes are gouged out, but are they just sleeping?" People who were missing were considered sleeping until found dead. One man set out to define the state and quality of being dead once and for all- Isaac Newton. Newton (in his common Elven tongue) stated this in his first law-

"Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare."

Which literally translates as- "A corpse does not start to breathe on it's own, unless acted upon by another force, and certainly it's a corpse if you find it in a bag of manure."

Those Middle Years That Lasted an Age or Two

Galileo posed his famous question- "If you're sleeping, and you are killed in a dream- Do you wake up dead in real life?" This postulate would go unanswered until the emergence of one Freddy Kruegar, hundreds of years later. Copernicus asked of Galileo- "If I'm sleeping alone, and have a wet dream, do my screams make a sound?"

The Italian Renaissance Festivals

Niccolo Machiavelli declared- "I would rather be dead, than go to one of Dante's stupid 'Inferno Rave Parties'." Around this time sleeping with the dead became all the rage. In coffins one could find a sleeping person, a dead person, or a vampire taking a little nappy-poo. Leonardo da Vinci found that hacking up dead subjects, and drawing their insides more palatable than the unpleasantness of a subject awakening to find their small intestine being measured.

The Modern Age

"You can tell the Ayatollah that tonight, Salman Rushdie sleeps with the fishes." An age where the confusion of sleeping and deadness continued full force. People were said to be- "Dead to the world" (while sleeping and still fully alive), "Having the sleep of the dead", and a true anachronism- "God is Dead". When it was well known that God had just been asleep at the wheel since the trial and execution of Joan of Arc.

The Future Age

In the age of the future, there will be no death. Human remains will be turned into liquid an injected into the unborn, thus passing on the experiences of the elderly. At least that's what "The Matrix" seemed to suggest after 3 days of nothing but Red Bull.

Ways to be Sure You're Dead

1. You have just committed suicide.
2. You have just been murdered.
3. You are floating in the air above somebody who looks like your twin, who is hooked up to a heart monitor and an EEG, both of which are flat-lining.
4. You wake up one morning and you find that the grim reaper is taking notes on you.
5. You have your own planet and you're reading a to-do list on how to get into the Celestial Kingdom.
6. You have a metal cap welded to your head, weighing you down, that keeps your lips from reaching the surface of a frozen lake. Also, there are demons.
7. Everyone is speaking in Iambic Pentameter and no one wants to give you directions.
8. Rich people who you are sure are not sleeping, but most certainly are dead, are there panhandling.
9. Your name is written in the Death Note.
10. St. Peter is standing around telling jokes.
11. The last words you remember thinking were- "What did Oscar Wilde say...?"
12. That bad taste in your mouth is dirt.
13. Many people around you, that you love, are crying
14. You can see an "insert coins to continue" screen, but you don't have any quarters left.
15. You jump up in the air, fall down, you hear the game over tone and it says game over on the screen.
16. You're Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense.
17. That gurney you were lying on has suddenly disappeared, along with everything else.
18. Your wife is smiling at you.
19. You feel like you’re alive, but not.

Is Death Better Than Life?

No. Well, possibly, depending on your definition of good. Maybe you've just broken up with your girlfriend, or just discovered you had AIDS and couldn't just live it large anymore (with one obvious exception). However, studies by the Dead Education Association of Dead (DEAD) have shown that in excess of 99.999% of newly-deads would consider the You Are Dead state to be bad, not good.

One Final Note

It's okay to die, we all do at some point! Except if you hook yourself up to computers and turn yourself into a horrible abomination that should have died a long time ago. Pizza Pizza!

Although this photograph does not fully capture the mysteriousness of life, it is nonetheless very mysterious.

Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease, originating either from God or your mom. This STD is, however, inflicted on the offspring of the intercourse, rather than on the participants. Offspring, themselves, are also STD's, leading to the unique situation of STDs that have STDs. The main symptoms of this disease consist of having to deal with temper tantrums, going to work, settling down, mental exasperation, and in most females, a large cyst in their stomach that lasts nine months.

Although life is not treatable, it can be cured. The best way to cure someone of life is to cause death. Thus, in cases where a diagnosis of life is likely, it is best to ensure that death is administered as soon as possible: one common strategy is to simply throw the baby out of a window. However, some believe this is a temporary and ineffective solution, as the baby will only be reincarnated into a more pissed-off form.

The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, and defecating. It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.

Therefore, life turns out to be a big waste of time. People afflicted from this disease end up spending all of their time just... living, and doing nothing else much. Parasites, illegal immigrants, poor and jobless people are the ones usually found having a "life" -or too much life- than healthy humans should, and going as far as enjoying it. This is why our superior global leaders have an ongoing policy to kill cure them.

When life hands you lemons

It goes without saying that if life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. However. Sometimes life hands you a bunch of shit. What then? The creative options are somewhat limited in this case. You might want to consider planting a garden and putting the shit in the garden, but only if the shit is of livestock origins. Since this is usually impossible to determine, and because cow manure is frequently infested with E. Coli, surrounding yourself with fans to blow the shit back to it's source is a far more preferable option, especially in the workplace.

Life sucks and then you die

This negative approach is normally reserved for death row inmates, the terminally ill, and Americans, but doesn't make it any less true. Research has proven that life sucks 62.3 % of the time for the average human being. 30 % of the time is spent dreading the sucking of the other 7.7 % of the time and the remainder is blissfully spent sleeping and therefore doesn't count. So technically the 62.3% of your waking hours spent sucking are when you're at work and/or job hunting and the 5 or 6 hours when you get home .

Life's a bitch

But it's better than the alternative! Unless you're 3-headed siamese triplets joined at the butt or worse, quintuplets joined at the knees.

Life is also highly mysterious. Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they've all sucked at it. However, the predominant theories are:

• A pond full of scum got hit with some lighting, and 3.85 billion years later, Joel Schumacher was hired to direct Batman & Robin.
• An eternal being was sitting around in a bunch of nothingness when he suddenly decided to create somethingness. He got pissed off at what he created and killed almost all of it. Then he started giving books to his creation.
  • Maybe, in order to make sure that wouldn't happen again, he took the form of his creation so they could sacrifice him to himself. Then he wrote a book about it.
  • And maybe, a few hundred years later, he wrote a second book that was supposed to clarify that book but instead just rambled on incoherently like Allen Ginsberg on meth.
• An evil alien overlord flew the population of the universe to Hawaii on commercial jets and threw them in a volcano, and then played movies meant to confuse their disembodied souls, and this would all be obvious to you if they weren't stuck to you right now.
• Forty-two.

These, of course, are only the best theories. There are many others which are not so compelling.

How to get one

First, throw away all of your video game consoles. (This is optional, but can help massively.) Then, get people to be your friends. Unfortunately, since you just threw away your video game consoles, no one will want to be friends with you anymore. I guess that was bad advice. Sorry.

Next, obtain a friend of the opposite sex, and call this your girlfriend if you're a boy, or boyfriend if you're a girl. If you're gay, just make up your own word.

After this, things get trickier. No one actually agrees on what it means to "have a life." However, the following listcruft may help you out:

People who have a life

• Firefighters
• Oprah
• John McClane
• Not you.

People who do not have a life

• Stamp collectors.
• People who write erotic fan fiction about Stargate.
• You.

Procedures

While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:

Eat

Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world's food is derived from the death of something else. This is known as "the circle of life." Put simply, first, living things go into your mouth, and then you go into the mouth of living things. This creates a circle.

Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. Another popular method of eating is convincing a cow or goat that your hands are its offspring, and drinking the stuff that spooges out of their breasts.

A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal, which is known in the animal kingdom as "pooping." Garbage in, garbage out.

Sleep

Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much, or you'll never get to the end of this article.

Sex

Closely related to eating and sleeping, sex takes place in a bed and involves a lot of chewing. After becoming infected with life, a female will start vomiting in her own hair and urinating uncontrollably. Ah, the miracle of life.

Repeat as necessary

Do the above three steps over and over again (especially the sex if you can get it), ad frickin' infinitum.

The Ending

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Laertes gets poisoned by his own sword, Polly had the lens cap on the whole time, Norrington steals Davy Jones' heart, you are Darth Bater with amnesia, the Joker kills Jason Todd, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

---

At the very end, you die.

Avoiding Death

The conclusion of life is death. Although death is a foolproof cure for life, no one really wants to die, no matter how much supposedly depressing poetry they write. The most recent alternatative found to solve this complicated issue is to waste their life (that is already a big waste of time) on their PC in the basement playing video game, watching porn or editing Wikipedia articles. Such (in)activity provides an efficient way to "cheat life", i.e. being dead while pretending to be still alive. Or the reverse... both are the same in that manner.

Recent Discoveries

Recent research suggests that nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This has led to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which there is no escape. Kind of like the Matrix. But kind of not.

Cheat codes

Life can sometimes become a bit difficult. In some cases, it may become necessary to use cheat codes to get through obstacles. Yes, it is true that people may laugh at you and call you a loser, but its best to remember that since you're not doing it on a video game, that automatically means you're not a loser. It should also be noted that with the assistance of somewhat 'seedy' cheat codes, glitches and bugs may affect the server in which one is living. It is suggested then, that before you attempt to cheat, save your current progress.

• Wanted cheat: Go on your computer, get onto Google, then type in the words "kiddy porn." The police will come.

• Weird graphics cheat: Gain mob connections and ask for some weed. Set one end on fire and inhale on the other end, you should notice some really weird graphics.

• Pedestrians attack: Get in your car, drive up to a KKK meeting, go in there and yell out the words "Jesus is black!" the pedestrians will very likely attack you.

• Extra money cheat: Send millions of e-mails to people informing them that you manage a bank account with $15,000,000 in it, and you'd like to give them half of it for no reason. Then start asking them to send you money. Believe it or not, this works.

• Speed up time cheat: Walk down the street to your friendly amateur pharmacist and ask for "white powder." Things will get very fast and they may not stop.

• Maximum fat cheat: Do exactly what you're doing at this very moment.

• Keep Pedestrians Away cheat: Take off all your clothes and go outside. Like a miracle, everyone seems to either walk or run away from you. This cheat also works if you want to police to arrest you, and if you want abuse shouted at you by some members of society.

• Very angry Pedestrians II: Walk onto a very busy footpath, facing the peds walking towards you, and do the following to activate the cheat: Left Kick, Right Kick, Left punch, Right Punch. You may/may not (depending where you are) get a very sore nose, very quickly

• Painful and slow shortcut to death: Simply stop your source of life, food, water, and sex from entering your body.

See also

• The Universe
• Everything
• Birth
• Death
• Meaning of life
• Life's Unanswerable Questions
• Cell
• 42

The late Pope demonstrating his late Eye-beams.

“Mmm, if looks could kill...though in his case, I suppose they can!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scott "Cyclops" Summers

“I"MA FIRIN MAH EYEBALLZ!!!”

~ Shoop Da Woop on Eye Beams

Among the most vile and brutal weapons known to man, Eye Beams (or what we called in the 60's "Lasers") are, in fact, banned in most countries. However, because of their versatility in that they can cut, weld, and even blast depending on what the plot requires, they are often employed by superheroes. These specialized forms of laser beams are essentially what you would expect them to be - beams of intensely destructive energy that fly in a linear fashion out of eyeballs. Some have said that the sound that accompanies eye beams ("Beeeeeeoooooooow!") is the most chilling sound in the world. They were invented in the 13th century in order to countermand practitioners of the evil eye, which is a marvellously ironic idea if you really think about it. Eye Beams can be divided into two groups: Natural Eye Beams and Electronic Eye Lasers.

A lot of people don't think that Bjork has eye beams. A lot of people are covered in third degree eye beam burns.

Natural Eye Beams

Natural Eye Beams are created in one's brain (assuming you have one) and filtered through one's eyes to shoot. Bjork is known to have Natural Eye Beams. It is also suspected that at least 57% of all blind people had Natural Eye Beams at one point, but burnt out their retinas from overuse. This is Of course, there is always Cyclops who's got the most ass-kicking bone-melting pew-pew's...but he won't count since he's a Japanese manga star (and we all know they're emo superheroes).

Das Gubbernator portraying his ex-Holiness in Terminator π: Band Camp

There is also the vaulted case of the Statue of Liberty being the possesser of Eye-Beams so dangerous, she went Postal upon hearing Ronnie Raygun wanted to be declared Fuhrer. In this instance, she lifted her titantic copper feet out of New York Harbour and headed to the Republican National Convention, where she decimated the ranks of Those Who Would Tread on Liberty. The only known surviving witness, Jello Biafra, based his masterwork, Bedtime For Democracy, on this spectacle.

Electronic Eye Lasers

Electronic Eye Lasers are created via the insertion of special cybernetic penises. This procedure is known as laser eye surgery. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mia Farrow have been known to use penises from time to time.

Low Beams

Perfect for seeing in the dark, pissing off people in movie theaters or getting in trouble by looking at a plane with them. Do not confuse low beams with demonic possession. Examples of low beams: Cylons, Ultraman, Cthulhu and all the people in Australia. With the flip of a switch, you can switch from low beams to high beams.

High Beams

Perfect for blinding people driving on a two lane road, heat vision, 1337 vision, cold vision, old vision, curing glaucoma, causing comas, causing seizures, killing beavers, burning logs, dissecting frogs, igniting smog and looking cool when your power level is over 9000. High beams should not be used by amateurs, blind people, anyone named Bill, Tetsuo, Kaneda, or bears. Excessive use may lead to self-blindness.

Also refers to the Erect Nipples of the female Homosapien.

Personal Accounts From People With Eye Beams

Senator John McCain(R-Ariz.): I personally have Eye Beams. I developed them during Nam when Charlie was hunkering down on our bunker. I stood up and said "Not today, cockhole!" and I stared deeply into his soul, burning it and consuming it to strengthen my own powers.

People Awaiting Their Eye Beams

Stephen Colbert, the recipient of the prayers of thousands of people from Mastermedia International on February 22, 2007, was hoping to gain Heat Vision (The Superman version of Eye Beams), after learning that a former person who was prayed for gained Heat Vision. He promises to use this power to smite all the unworthy before him, namely bears.

Cats displaying their use of Eye Beams.

Cat with Eye Beams received as a Christmas gift

Never anger Journalists

The wide penis of Hillary 'Der Fuhrer' Clinton, was long believed to possess eye-beams. Sadly, her defeat at the hands of Barack 'The Sheik' Obama has proved this to possibly be in error. It is conceivable she lost her beams as a result of a battle with Ann Coulter, as it was strongly suspected that she dealt out punishment and death to those who would undermine, underpin, etc etc her husband Bill Clinton while he was president.

Cats and Eye Beams

All cats are known to have Eye Beams, commonly activated by shining a bright light towards the cat. As cats are a common pest throughout the world, there have been a number of deaths from Eye Beams from cats. Should you ever approach a cat while near a bright light then make sure appropriate care is taken to prevent injury from Eye Beams. Cats with Eye Beams come boxed and are available for purchase from toy stores and weapon dealers. They are a popular, but controversial Christmas gift due to their potential health hazards.

To be confused with

• I-beams, the blinky things you use to unleash pwn3g on computerised text
• I-beams!, the Broadway musical that ends with a girder falling on the lead singer
• "iBeams", the new Apple handheld device that makes you pay for beams you may already own
• I-beams, long structured pieces of tempered steel used in construction, not unlike other long pieces of rigid material
• I-Beans, Black ladies food
• Shoop Da Woop, the the amazingest form of Mouth Beams.

Not to be confused with

• Laser Nipples, the poor man's Eye Beam. Commonly used by fat people and girls with big boobs

This frying pan is a complete, irredeemable frying pan. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, arrives at the head, and is an unfunny monkey raping ass raper.
If you cogitate to cogitate this,  you will most impolitely hack yourself.
Or the submitter will plagiarize your chump!!!!!!

---

Butt Beams

Oh sorry wrong article. Please beg someone to make Butt Beams a real article!

In Medieval Times, suicidal knights would employ jousting partners in order to be killed with a brick.

Good day to you sir, and may I say what a nice hat you are wearing. Oh, that's not a hat? My mistake. What's that you say? It used to be your beloved pet cat Tiddles who has been a constant companion since the day you got him to help with the grief of your old cat's death? He was killed by a runaway shopping cart? A shopping cart your children were riding in? There, stop crying, perhaps you can use your new cat to wipe away the tears. Oh, he's actually trying to eat your head? How delightful.

And your wife with whom you have shared four years of happy marriage and twenty years of solid hell just left you? And she killed your children after maliciously stealing your house, garden, car, garage, clothes and your cardboard box? Oh, the box was to put all the other stuff in. I see.

Ah, so the reason you come to me here and now is for advice. Not on your now terminally ruined life, but on another matter entirely. A matter of intrigue, interest and definite value. Sir, step forward. The time has come to enter the halls of the great. Prepare, sir, to kill yourself with a brick.

You can take the cat off your head now if you like.

Reasons to kill yourself with a brick

Before proceeding it is generally advisable that you explore why you feel the need to commit suicide using the most hilarious of building items. Our elite team of brick suicide engineers have narrowed down the root causes to the following options.

You don't have any friends

Quite simply, if you had friends, they'd talk you out of killing yourself with a brick, or at the very least they would provide you with a better suicide 'weapon', like an axe, a loaded gun, or a hemp rope tied in a noose and a pipe or pole. Friends are like that. They want to see you die with some dignity, as long as you die.

Because You're Poor

Tip:
Being poor is a disease. You're probably better off dead.

But we are not here to discuss ways of not being poor. Anyway, being poor can be remedied quite easily. The way to not be poor, and therefore the way to at least die with some sort of style is to spend all your money on lottery tickets. Oh, you already spent all your money on lottery tickets? Well that will teach you not to gamble then. Silly person.

Alternately, you could go begging in the streets, but make sure to consult the Guild of Tramps before doing so, as gaining the support of your fellow street homunculuses (or homunculi) will result in you having a much firmer standing in the streets upon which you will live. At any rate you only need to beg enough money off people to buy a brick. Unless you can beg a brick off someone walking past. People carry bricks around with them. EVERYONE you ever meet has bricks in their pockets. Despite this fact you will find it hard to get them to part with them. Maybe the cat on your head should be removed, so they don't think you are a yeti. No? Well the cat ties in with the next part anyway.

Because You Have No Style

Tip:
Having a sense of style helps make you less retarded.

Well, well. I daresay I suspected this had something to do with it. Style has not deigned to touch you with a ten-foot stick. Your patched trousers held up by string and coat made out of old copies of The Sun add to the general demeanor of stylelessness. Oh, and your beard. Your beard sells 'has no hope of living' like hotcakes. But there's no need to feel bad. Take consolation in the fact that soon you will be dead having killed yourself with a brick. Now, on to stage one.

Stage One: Acquire A Brick

A common garden variety brick. Find one of these and you're home and dry.

Tip:
Scousers are useful for stealing bricks, just don't give them any money. They breed like mad with money. The last thing the world needs is more Scousers.

This is the most important stage of killing yourself with a brick. After all, you'd look pretty stupid killing yourself with a brick you don't have, now wouldn't you? Now, acquire a brick. They are quite hard to come by on their own, so you'll either have to employ a Scouser to steal one, or buy a house and knock a brick out of the wall with a sledgehammer. NO YOU CANNOT USE A BRICK FROM YOUR CURRENT HOUSE! This is because that hussy of an ex-wife stole it, remember? That's right.

Have you acquired a brick? No? Then what the hell have you been doing?!? No, actually, I don't want to know.

Here, let me help you. Bricks can be quite easily found. Try consulting a local building site. These places are a positive whorehouse for bricks. Bricks turn up all over these places, usually in neat piles to deceive people into thinking they are one huge brick.

Alternatively, as has been previously stated, every person you meet has a brick somewhere on their person. Why not mug someone going past for all you, or they, are worth and steal their precious brick off them? I mean, how dare they not give you the brick when you ask politely? I mean, you say 'please', right, and 'thankeesir', even when they give you nothing, right? Who died and made them Mr I-Have-A-Brick-And-You-Don't? WHY DOES EVERYONE CARRY BRICKS AROUND?!?

Ahem.

Once you have found a brick move on to stage two.

Stage Two: Kill Yourself

Tip:
You should be, more or less, dead.

Once having acquired a brick from a building site, a tumbledown house, a brickmakers company (make sure you are using a safety hat), or a passer-by's bloodsoaked pocket, follow carefully the method ascribed below.

You should probably take the cat off your head before the bricking.

• Grasp brick firmly in both hands.
• Are you sure you're holding the brick properly?
• Assume 'bricking' stance.
• The bricking stance denotes that you must stand with you feet slightly further apart than your shoulders, brick grasped firmly in your hands either hanging below you or raised above your head to the fullest extent of your arms.
• Raise the brick above your head.
• Check that the brick is still a brick, as bricks have tendencies to metamorphose into lepers without warning. Lepers will not kill you with a solid thwack round the head. More likely you will kill them, and then be charged with murder and locked up.
• Now, with the brick still raised above your head, it is time for your final words, or thoughts. Make them good ones. Something along the lines of 'I regret nothing' makes you sound like a loser, which patently you must be, since you are killing yourself with a brick, but if nothing else this moment should be your life's epitome. Make a good impression on the Lord (or Satan) with some stunning last words in this life and first ones in the next one. If that fails, show them the new brick wound at the base of your skull, that should impress them to no end.
• Utter your last words.
• Close your eyes, picture fairies, puppies and kittens. Picture yourself huffing those fairies, puppies and kittens.
• Violently smash the brick directly into the base of your skull. You should hear a swift sudden (satisfying) crack. Take consolation in the warm flow of blood down the nape of your neck, and the swelling blackness on the edges of your vision.

Stage Three: You survived

Oh dear, you're still alive. At least you've gotten rid of the cat on your head. Oh, you seem to be standing in it. Anyway, if your brain stem fails to respond to a good, old-fashioned bricking, it may be time to move on to more violent advanced techniques.

Stage Four: The Brick/Ocean Method

Tip:
If you are rescued, it is probably because you attempted this at a public pool, or a lifeguard training session. Try to find a more secluded location. If you are rescued again then you are being stalked by a lifeguard. Leave the country now.

• Proceed to the nearest coastal area. Oceans are preferred, but any body of water over six feet will do. Unless you play basketball. But if you were a basketball player, you wouldn't be here, would you?
• Walk to the edge of the water.
• Grasp brick firmly in both hands.
• Exhale.
• Jump in.
• Attempt to remain perfectly still. Counting sheep may be helpful, although fishes are more abundant.

Stage Five: The Brick/Pulley Method

• Purchase, steal, borrow, or otherwise acquire a common pulley.
• Affix the pulley to any high point, ceilings are to be preferred, but any lamppost will do.
• Attach the brick to the rope.
• Grasp your end of the rope firmly, and hoist the brick.
• Stand beneath the brick.
• Cease grasping the rope.

The Brick/Pulley method is useful for people who lack the fast-twitch muscles necessary for a normal bricking. However, it is highly dependent on the height of the pulley and the size of the brick. If a conventional brick fails, you might want to consider using a cinder block instead. As a last ditch you could probably make use of a girder. Girders are not bricks, but they will kill you.

While this method can potentially allow a user to generate the maximum amount of force with their brick, it is far from foolproof. It is fairly easy to break your collarbone, shoulder, or toes. Come to think of it, if you've managed to screw up the whole brick thing so far, this method probably has too many moving parts for you to deal with.

Stage Six: The Poisoning Method

Tip:
You may want to use water to help you swallow during this last step, mild irritation of the throat has been known to happen when swallowing bricks.

This method of killing yourself with a brick is only to be used as a last resort, as death or extreme humiliation will probably occur.

• Hold the brick with a firm (but not too firm) grip.
• Breathe normally as you would during any other situation.
• Place brick directly into mouth
• Swallow

Congratulations! When you are done completing these steps in the order which they appear you have successfully poisoned yourself with a brick.

Stage Seven: The Smash Your Face In With a Brick Method

The 'smash your face in' approach is the least subtle, but most effective. Should this method fail you should probably go back to fishing for eels or whatever you did before. God obviously abhors the idea of your company. Considering the long name, this is obviously the hardest and most complicated method

• Hold the brick firmly in your hand.
• Make sure you are holding the brick.

(NOTE: the following will not be possible without holding the brick)

• Smash your face in with said brick.
• Repeat as needed

Alternatively you could find a strawberry and hand a brick to the nearest mountainously muscled hill of manflesh, then punch him as hard as you can. In return he will smash your face in with the brick you gave him. Whilst not killing yourself with the brick, it is probably the most foolproof method.

Stage Eight: Brick Injection.

Tip:
Just go buy a fucking gun.

Contrary to popular belief, there ARE more advanced ways to end your miserable, pitiful existence with a brick then The Smash Your Fuckin' Face In with A Brick Method. Brick Injection provides a quick, painful demise, provided you aren't Leonard Cohen, a ninja or Bruce Campbell. The Steps are as followed:

• Get your brick.
• Get a Big Ass Needle, although a Mothafuckin Huge Needle will work too.
• Put the brick IN the the syringe.
• Inject yourself with the Brick, being sure to hit a vein or artery.
• Die.

Congratulations, You Are Dead.

 v · t · e 

 ( v · t · e ) 

Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery

Apathy • Calculus • Castration • Corset • Death • Depression • Disenchantment • Emo • Existential Angst • Fear • Give a shit • Hamlet • HeadOn • Heartbreak of Psoriasis • Hell • Hope • Internal audit • Loneliness • Pain • Pessimism • Pissed • Psychological Torture • Quitting • Suicide • Torture • Turn Your Life Around • Wake Up

---

“...in taking the excreta delectus, my loins are renewed with great vigor. Henceforth nary a dame shall withstand my charms”

~ Eduardo the Goth

Food from Poop?

There are many lovely dishes that can be made exclusively with poop. During the Great Poop Exchange, people discovered the great advantages of eating their excrements thanks to the (often failed) experiments in the new science of Random Crap. Successful poop cuisine preparation depends a great deal on the quality of the excrement, as well as detailed attention spent in the presentation of the dish. Though many lower-class and middle-class individuals must eat their poop from toilets and plates, higher-class society members normally eat poop out of priceless diamond bowls (called "bowels" as a "fancy" term and a reference to bowel movement). Displayed below are several examples of popular poop dishes.

• 

  Square Turd surrounded by Poop Mousse

• 

  Hot Chunky Poop Pudding

• 

  Hot Pocket Biscuits: Diarrhea in Two Minutes

Ingredients: Varieties of Poop

Of course, not every single dish can have any kind of poop, that would just be a load of shit. Every poop must be carefully selected before preparation, and divided into one of the following categories:

Poop Cuisine for the Culinarily Challenged

Soft and easy

Of course, this one's the all time favorite, and every chef loves it when he can use it on his special dishes. It's usually used to make the most astounding desserts, like Pousse Mousse, Poopsicles, Crappe Frappe and nutty poop with corn (depends on what you had for dinner). May cause indigestion and bloating.

Dur et Dur: Constipated Fecoliths

A bit on the savory side, this poop variety is more commonly incorporated into the main course. It is rarely used in a dessert. Occasionally, for breakfast, it may be served as a side item in the same manner one might serve sausage or bacon.

Geesh: Quasi-diarrheic/Diarrhea

Quality geesh makes a divine ganache, and goes well with ice cream, cake, tortes, along with a number of other dessert items. It can also be used as a sauce for Hard and hard based meals. Legend has it that geesh possesses powerful aphrodisiac qualities, though the author is unaware of any scientific studies substantiating these claims.

"I can't believe it's not Poop"

Faux rubber poops, often sold in novelty shops. These poops should be discarded as they are inappropriate for food preparation. Though they look good they don't have the rich flavor that real fresh poop does. It is, however, good for pranking reasons. This poop is generally used by the weight-conscious people of society to avoid the calories that regular poop contains.

Delicious turdcake with diarrhea on the side

Poop Emerges in the Commercial Food Industry

Schnering's Baby Ruth

In addition to the many Poop dishes commonly prepared in the home, there a number of commercially prepared poop food items available in the food industry today, the most ubiquitous being the Baby Ruth candy bar. The percentage of actual poop content in this venerable brand has fluctuated a great deal since it was first introduced to consumers almost a century ago. Otto Schnering, founder of Curtiss Fine Candies and creator of the Baby Ruth candy bar, demanded that all bars bearing the Curtiss name contain at least 75% genuine organic poop if they were to go to market. In the mid 1920’s Schnering went on a great publicity blitz; flying over major U.S. cities and dropping candy bars from the sky. Throughout the remainder of his life, rather than referring to him by his Christian name, people simply called Schnering The Flying Dookie.

In 1981, when Curtiss Candy was acquired by the Nestlé company, the poop content in the bars dropped to down into the 2-3 % range. The primary reason was that in relocating the factory, laying off a majority of Curtiss employees or forcing them into early retirement, nobody was able or willing to share the Baby Ruth Candy Bar recipe with their new parent company. Nestlé reverse engineered the bar, but decided to leave out much of the valuable poop that made this candy bar so unique. Sales plummeted, and it wasn’t until a huge outcry from consumers that Nestlé agreed to raise the poop content up to an acceptable level: 51%. Sadly Nestlé never did adopt the 75% poop content standard originally set by Otto Schnering.

51% Poop

Taco Bell's "Bean Burrito"

In today's fast food industry the most well known food item made from poop is Taco Bell's bean burrito. Taco Bell, following the Nestlé standard, states that all of their bean burritos must contain at least 51% poop if they are to be sold to the public. (The remaining 49% of the burrito is made up of a variety of filler items including pinto beans, onions, guar gum, and taco sauce.) Though Taco Bell's product doesn't have the same history behind it as the Baby Ruth candy bar, it is yet another example of successful commercially produced Poop Cuisine.

Interestingly, one of Taco Bell's first mass promotional campaigns involved giving any customer who pulled up to the drive-thru in a crapmobile a free bean burrito.

Eating Poop: The Health Benefits

Elijah Wood's Shit-Eating Grin.

One of the most exciting developments, in modern times, is the scientific validation of what poop eaters have known for millennia: eating poop makes you happy. Independent double-blind studies, performed in the United States, Germany and the Philippines, have provided evidence that consumed fecal matter acts as a powerful selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor with comparable efficacy rates to prescription medications such as Prozac or Paxil. This, combined with a remarkably low incidence of harmful side-effects, led to a significant increase in poop consumption worldwide starting in the late 20th century, continuing up to the present day.

It's healthy and it tastes good!

When consumed in large quantities on a daily basis over an extended period of time, poop can elevate ones mood to the point that one enters a state of undifferentiated bliss. It is fairly easy to determine when someone attains this level of poop consciousness due to the telltale shit-eating grin.

See also

The makers of the Hot Pocket have long been a staple of the poop cuisine market.

• Mocha
• Crapmobile
• Feces
• HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
• Puddle of shit
• Poop
• Shit Sandwich
• Poop throwing monkeys
• Taco Bell
• Brian Peppers
• Smeg
• Fecal E.Coli
• Shiitake mushrooms
• I eat my own shit
• Goatse
• Scatomancy
• Soup
• UnBooks:How to cook poop cuisine
• Uncyclopedia:Uncyclopedism

External links

The result of eating Poop Cuisine

• Baby Ruth: Official Website
• Café Enema
• Cooking with Poop for Dummies
• Dookie
• The Poo Poo Cluster
• Poop Cookies
• Poop Eating: The Health Benefits
• Scoop Poop
• Snack Pack Poop
• Rate My Poo College of Fecal-Culinary Arts (!!!- Cauton -!!! VISIT WITH EMPTY STOMACH ONLY!)
• Even Dutch people eat poop!
• Piece of dog shit on two buns‏‏

Golden Shower™

The Official Logo© of Golden Showers, Inc.

“The gold look of Golden.”

~ Kohler on Golden Showers

Golden Showers, Incorporated; founded in 1980 by Robert Kelly as a result of numerous conversations with Cribs homeowners, and celebrity architects requesting new materials to help them create more opulent bathrooms for the likes of Jay-Z, P. Diddy, and of course, Master P.

Golden produces the highest quality shower tile, tubing, fixtures, and even mood lighting from pure solid 24 karat gold. Golden takes pride in the fact that its shower facilities are the only facilities of their kind, dedicated to being created entirely using 100% pure 24 karat gold products, even if it means eventual water contamination due to the corrosion and patina build up in the Golden brand golden pipes.

Consider a Golden shower

A Golden showerhead, just part of a Golden shower.

Glass Golden Shower stalls are extremely popular and give a grand look to the bathroom with all the 24 karat gold flake!

Taking a shower in a Golden shower is certainly something that has charm. Although a bath in a Golden bathtub can be the ultimate luxury, there's just no alternative to the fun of standing below a relaxing Golden showerhead, and experts agree, nothing is more soothing than a nice, warm Golden shower, or even just a short Golden spurt if you don't have the time. Sometimes, a Golden shower is the only thing that can relieve the stress your body goes through during those long, hard working hours. The patented Golden massage jets have adjustable nozzles, spraying your body from all different angles and all with different pressures! Just imagine the Golden fun now!!!

Choosing the best Golden shower type

“ If you are thinking about adding a Golden shower to your bathroom, to beautify your existing bath chamber, or you just want to remodel the shower you already have, Golden showers are the way of the future! ”

With the following shower design ideas you can definitely have a great looking Golden shower space. Depending upon the total space you have, decide which shower type suits you and get a completely unique bathing experience with an exhilarating yet relaxing Golden shower!

Lite™ Golden showers

A Golden Shower Filter can be added to turn your bathing liquid into molten gold! Caution: may cause scalding.

Short of space? Well, that doesn't mean you can't have that dream Golden shower installed in your bathroom. Here's one of the smaller shower design ideas: shower enclosure. Yes, with this, your bathtub can double up as a Golden shower area and you (along with your close friends and family) can have the option of bathing under a soothing Golden shower in a cool 24 karat bathtub. Just add the Golden shower fixtures and put up a curved Golden rod to hang a trendy Golden shower curtain. What a great looking place to take a Golden shower! And if you are no longer interested in having a bathtub at all, just replace it with a traditional walk-in Golden shower stall!

Traditional Golden showers

Walk-in Golden shower stalls are among the most convenient options to add a Golden shower area to your existing bathroom. Consider adding a Golden shower stall of the desired size and shape in any corner of your bathroom to spice up the ambiance of your louvre. Use Golden shower tiles to create a mosaic effect on the walls and floor. There are also Golden shower accessories, which are available in a wide range and variety to add the perfect touch of decor to your Golden shower area.

A splendid Golden wet room™

A modern design idea is to convert your entire bathroom into a Golden wet room™. This provides the luxury of having a huge Golden shower area. The term wet room simply means that the entire bathroom will work as a Golden shower space once you turn on those brilliant Golden shower knobs. Just make sure to have slip resistant certified Golden shower tiles and multiple Golden shower hoses installed to ensure a safe and easy cleanup.

Golden nozzles, hoses, pumps & extras

Golden urinals are available on a made-to-order basis, but as you know, aren't necessary if you already enjoy Golden showers.

It's time to select the most essential elements - the Golden shower fixtures. For the best Golden shower you must add a hand-held showerhead. Also think about adding Golden shower panels, massage nozzles and jets for an even more luxurious and relaxing Golden shower experience. Also, try a few trendy Golden light fixtures to both lighten and liven up the look of your amazing new Golden shower area!

After many years of service, it is standard that the pressure of your Golden shower subsides to a dribble, at which point it will be time to either replace the pump or start pumping manually. Replacement Golden shower pumps may be purchased on the black market and should rejuvenate any flaccid facility back to its former glory after a quick installation.

A note from R. Kelly

The golden shower™ inventor and previous sole-proprietor, R. 'O.G. G.S. Boi' Kelly.

According to Robert Kelly, founder and CEO of Golden Showers, Inc., “From the manufacturer that makes our Golden products to the individuals who buy them, we are committed to creating the best materials and tools, ensuring a better Golden shower future for all of us.”

After a magnificent live Golden shower demonstration, he added, “That is our promise. That is our passion.”

See also

• UnBooks:All about pee
• Warm piss water
• Pee Review
• Why?:Do a Pee Review

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions

Body Age Centipedophilia - Child porn - Gerontophilia - MILF - GILF - Necrophilia - Pedophilia Bodily Functions Birth - Coprophilia - Defecation- Dacryphilia - Fart Fetishism - Piss - Disimpregnation - Erotic Lactation - Maiesiophilia - Menstruation - Pregnancy - Twisting multiple long, hard body parts - Queefs - Sucking on toes - Urination Body Abasiophilia - Amputation - Breast Expansion - BBW - Foreplay - Castration - Flat-Chested-ness - Penis Removal - People Who Like to Fuck Naked Furries and Gays Furries ALIENS! - Bestiality - Grues - Human animal roleplay - Panphilia - Plushophilia - Rough Gay Wolf Sex - Sheep shagging - Zoophilia - Ant Stimulation Gays Homosexuality - Industrial strength homo-erotic pornography - Mpreg - Proctology- Slash - Shemales - Sodomy - Transvestic fetishism - Yaoi Internet Internet Making up Oscar Wilde quotes - Templatia - Wikipedophiles - Wikiwanking - Uncyclopedophilia Japanese terms Japanese Bukkake - Detective Bukkake of the 187th Precinct - Zombie Bukkake - Tamakeri - Tentacle Rape Assorted fetii Ass-sorted Asshattery - Biastophilia - BDSM - Bukkake - Cancer porn - Dendrophilia - Getting swallowed by oversized potatoes fetish - Goatse - Hoboeroticism - Incest - Insurance Policy - Latex and PVC - Masochism - Sexism - Phone sex - Pyromania - Rape - Robofetishism - Sadism - Scatomancy - Socks - Vore - Xenophilia - Your mom - Terminator sex - Television sex

"Highly" stylized Book cover

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! That's not beer! ” – Some guy on Budweiser “Aw, piss, I'm piss, that jar is piss, EVERYTHING IS PISS! ” – Sniper from TF2 “Ew. I hate pee. ” – Oscar Wilde

Experts have disagreed on the controversial question which has hounded mankind for centuries: peepee or pee pee? One word or two? I'm guessing two, but can you ever really be sure? We'll just use pee in this book for the sake of brevity.

Commonly used among hikers as a liquid hydrant, pee, or urine as it is colloquially known, can almost always be easily accessed for self-consumption. Male mammals have the ability to aim this refreshing drink directly into their mouths, but most females might need a cup or funnel system.

There is not a single person on this great planet of ours that has not tried pissing yellow liquid out of his penis, making it the third most popular choice of activities following sleeping, and eating.

Currently, France is making public urination a sport, with the attempt to get it entered as an event in the Summer Olympics. Pissed off, pissed on, pissing for gold-plated plastic platinum trophies--those French!

P the letter

P is the 72nd letter of the alphabet. It is widely known for being the raunchiest, naughtiest letter, most likely due to its association with the word "Pee." Various Christian family groups have been fighting to have the letter censored for over 50 years now, with varying success. The letter P made its first appearance in John Ash's 1775 A New and Complete Alphabet Book, listed as a "low" and "vulgar" letter. It wasn't until 1880, however, with the publishing of the D.H. Lawrence novel Lady Chatterdale's Lover, that the letter was extensively used for the first time. The letter immediately caused outrage upon its introduction to the English language due to the extensive giggling it caused (giggling was considered an outrage until the early 1940's). The letter P has also been proven to make people feel fat.

The Purging of Pee

Simply cut a hole in the top of the barrel.

Having to pee is a deadly and dangerous plague-like disease that almost all people will get at some point in their life. There is no cure for having to pee - one can only delay the inevitable. The disease will track you down in the dead of night and at the most awkward of moments, it will find you, and it will kill you. 

Having to pee is one of the only things that has plagued mankind from the beginning of time.   There are many symptoms of having to pee, here are just a few:

• Panic attacks
• Existential Angst
• Doing the potty dance
• Denial: You deny the urge to pee and continue to do whatever you are doing and try to "hold it in" camel-style.
• Anger: You realize that you have to pee, and cannot ignore it forever. This makes you angry, as you are currently playing an video game and don't want to throw your match.
• Peeing: You have waited for too long and have now peed yourself. But it won't be too messy if you're in a nursing home or wear diapers for the hell of it.

How to pee properly

NOTE: the following does not apply to pooping.

Drink several cups of tea. If you don't like tea, cups of someone else's pee can be substituted under proper supervision (see the section: "How to drink pee"). Five or six cups should do the trick, although one can of Mountain Dew has been proven to have the same effect. Straighten up your genitals and relax. Just let it loose. It should come out in a clear yellowish stream.

Main pee positions

He's no Jon LaJoie but his producer is Master P.

The proper way to pee with an erection.

How to pee in a toilet standing up, and down:

For men:

Up: Put seat up. Stand straight, aim and enjoy. Put seat down. Go "mmmm."

Down: Take a seat if you've had a long day. Take your penis and tuck it safely between your legs so it doesn't touch the toilet. Make sure it's done in a way you don't piss on yourself.

For women:

Up: (Also known as the "sit and squat") If you are at an unsanitary bathroom, or feel like straining yourself more at a clean bathroom. Simply squat (which might be misleading by the title, squatting is like sitting and standing at the same time) making sure you can aim where your pee will go, and that you aren't going to fall in the toilet or on the seat.

Down: Sit, let it gush out. Go "ahhh." Try not to orgasm. Stand You could just stand and pee. Just try not to let it go everywhere.

Chemical components of pee

• Fairy dust
• Uric acid
• Pabst Blue Ribbon
• Sunshine
• Tinkle twinkle

Trinkle in the dark

A common difficulty experienced by urinators is getting pee into the toilet when it is dark. Experts recommend clipping a book light to your penis. Then, when you have to take a piss, just hit the button and turn it on. There you go, now you can see where your going and you won't get yelled at to clean up your mess. If you do make a mess the best way to remove pee from any surface is to rub the object or area with peanut butter, pour on some Coke, and let soak in thoroughly. Then use a cup to scoop up the soggy peanut butter and the pee stain will be gone! Shamwow! But just in case, you can always do a "favor" for whoever you live with: buy them a nice rug to cover up the mess and pray it doesn't smell. *Sniffs* ahhhh... fresh!

How to drink pee

Bear Grylls does it.

Now that you've learnt how to pee, learn how to DRINK PEE!!!!! FUCK YEH! Madonna does it as she believes in recycling and adoption.

The Excaliber

This excellent pee-based cocktail, once drunk by the Knights of the Round Table, can be recreated with the following recipe:

• 3 oz. Dom Perignon, or other fine champagne
• 3 oz. single-malt scotch
• 2 oz. sherry
• A dash of butter
• Handful of sea salt
• Freshly squeezed lemon juice (no pun intended)

Combine all ingredients in a highball glass and consume immediately. Then add crushed ice to the empty glass, wait one to two hours, and pee into the glass. Consume this as well.

Le Toilet

Tip:
Sometimes it is very helpful when drinking pee out of a glass to use a tube or a straw. This gives it that extra je ne sais quoi.

Another popular way to drink pee is as follows:

• 4 cups of warm piss water (best if yellow)
• 8 oz. vodka
• 2 oz. spit
• 8 g peanut butter

Mix the pee, vodka, and spit in a large punchbowl, stirring gently. Slowly blend in peanut butter. I know this sounds gross, butt try it.

The magic of yellow

Ahhhh… Sweet relief.

• Urinating, pissing, and in some circles, "leaking" has a long-standing tradition of beauty, and most importantly, it is the source of all the natural power in the universe. In 1492, when President George W. Bush was first inaugurated, pee was his first beverage in the White House.
• The majority of the world's pee can be found diluted in sewage, sea-water, or in your nearest neighborhood public swimming pool.
• Some individuals in the music industry, particularly fans of Black Sabbath, KISS, and R. Kelly often enjoy refreshing splashes of pee in their face from time to time while attending the concerts of these artists.
• Peeing in public places can be another way of greeting people, and it is especially polite if you "shake" in their face.
• Pee is a common ingredient in lemon snowcones, which are usually given to drunks or "hammered persons" who believe they are merely enjoying a lemon snowcone while spending the night in the drunk-tank.

Recycled pee and super powers

Trés art.

Several doctors boasting honorary degrees from "Happy Harry's Honorary Degree Emporium" have recently determined that super human strength, speed, and smell can be gained by recycling pee. One can recycle pee either by drinking pee, freebasing pee, or applying pee crystals directly to the forehead. Dr. Steve Jobbs claimed to have all these powers as a result of consuming his own pee. We are unable to confirm this claim, however, since Dr. Steve died during the testing of his theory regarding recycled pee and flight.

* Note to females

In much of this book, the word "penis" is used. This is due to biological conventions. If you substitute "urethra" in all cases of instruction - get (it) and spread the "lips" with two fingers (it) with one or both hands - the same effect will be achieved. I know they told you in grade school that you couldn't pee standing up, but that's just a lie to hold you back. You're a big girl now, and can do what you like.

In film

Remember when Adam Sandler pissed himself on that fieldtrip in Billy Madison? Or when he pissed on the streets of New York with that little boy in Big Daddy? How about when he took The Longest Pee on his album, They're All Gonna Laugh at You? He's obsessed, we know. 

References

See also

• Golden shower
• Pea
• Peanut
• Pen Island
• Pocket Pussy
• Poo
• Pussy
• Pee Review
• Why?:Do a Pee Review
• Yellow

[ v · t · e ]

 ( v · t · e ) 

FOUR-LETTER WORDS

The A Word · The AH Word · The B Word · The BS Word · The Other BS Word · The C Word · The D Word · The Other D Word · The E Word · The F Word · The Other F word · The G Word · The H Word · The I Word · The J Word · The K Word · The L Word · The M Word · The MF Word · The N Word · The Other N Word · The Other Other N Word · The Ñ Word · The O Word · The P Word · The Q Word · The R Word · The S Word · The T Word · The U Word · The V Word · The W Word · The X Word · The Y Word · The Z Word

 v · t · e 

  v · t · e  

QWERTY

Esc

F1

F2

F3

F4

F5

F6

F7

F8

F9

F10

F11

F12

F16

~ ´  `

! 1

@ 2

# 3

$ 4

% 5

^ 6

& 7

✱ 8

( 9

) 0

+ =

• -

Bkspc

Tab

Q

W

Ǝ Æ E

Я R

T

Y

U

I

O

P

{ [

} ]

| \

Caps

A

S

D

F-

G

H

J

K

L

: ;

" '

Enter

Shift

Z

X

C

V

B

N

M

< ,

> .

/ ?

Shift

FN

Ctrl

Alt

Space

⌘

Opt

...

Extended Keyboard

PrSc

ScrL

PsB

Num

÷

×

-

Ѧ

β

Ъ

ൠ

©

Ins

Hm

PgUp

7

8

9

+

◍

†

Ж

∆

€

Del

End

PgDn

4

5

6

$

♥

∩

Ħ

Ł

∂

↑

1

2

3

¢

Ф

£

ß

√

☃

←

↓

→

No

0

Yes

.

✡

卐

▲

..

○

AgainAllAlphabetAnyBrokenCast SpellClick HereCloseCopyCutEkrpatErrorFalseFindFrontMagicMaybeMetaMicrosoftMissingMuteNonsensePanicPastePowerSymbolTRBBTDDAUghㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ. 

Category: Letters | Medicine | Drinks | I Didn't Know I Had It In Me | Beverages | Bodily functions

“Why are they wrestling?”

~ Every little kid when they see their parents doing it

It was always easier to talk to kids about this stuff when life was sepia-toned.

Well... um...

Where do I start. Uh. So. Yeah. Sex... It's, uh... what about sex?

Jesus Christ, where the hell is your mother?

Let's talk about sex, baby

Well, you see, kid, sex is a thing that two... uh, consenting adults, who are always very much in love, and always of the opposite gender... well, actually, I suppose you could both be boys and do it, I mean, men, not boys, you have to be men. Or girls? Or a boy and a girl. Man and a girl! Wait, no! Woman! Man and a woman! Or woman and woman, I won't judge.

Where was I going with this?

Let's talk about you and me

So the man and man or woman and woman or man and woman or a woman and a man get together, well, I guess that's really the same thing, man and woman and woman and man. Anyway, the man and woman or woman and man... well, you get what I mean. Anyway, they really really love each other, and lie down on a big bed, or sometimes the floor, or kitchen table, or midtown tunnel, and they... uh... take off all their clothes. Well, sometimes all their clothes. You could leave your shirts on. The shirt is really an optional thing. You don't need to take it off, but, I mean, that's really half the fun of sex. No one really has sex not to look at boobs, am I right, son? Am I right? C'mon, gimme five. Right?

Okay, moving along. So you have the girl--WOMAN, or man! so you have the (wo)man's pants off, and maybe their shirt too, and you say to them "Hey, maybe I think we should have sex now?" It's a reasonable question to ask, right? It's been six dates already, you've already rounded second on the last date and you figure maybe it's time to throw another bird in the bush, right? Oh, wait, we're not up to that part yet. Shit. I mean-- ugh, Christ, where the hell is that goddamn mother of yours anyway?

So if she says "Yes! Let's have sex!" then proceed to the next part. If she says "No! Tonight I would rather not have the sex," then abandon all hope. Help them put their clothes back on, take the handcuffs off, give them some money for a cab and a lollipop for their trouble, whatever you have to do to get your shoulda-been sex partner on his/her merry way. It may feel bad in the moment, but hey, spending the night alone has its benefits. Wait, no, not in that way. I mean, yes, your mother and I do sometimes... hear you in there. Christ, it's not like the walls are made of airport glass.

Let's talk about all the good things

It can also be like fingerless gloves, if you're into that kinky shit.

So... moving away from that... tangent... let's get back on topic. You're with your, uh, partner, and you're now both completely, or mostly, naked. So, you take your... uh... p-penis? I mean, you know what a penis is, right? You have one. Look down. There it is. We're all on the same page now, right?

Okay, so you take your penis, and you look at your partner and think "Man, they're really hot. I could really do something with this penis to them right now," and just thinking that will make the penis puff up and get hard with excitement. If that doesn't work, then just substitute something hotter in your mind, say, instead of thinking of your partner just lying there, imagine them wearing huge army boots, holding a fresh loaf of bread, making out with two baby pandas. Whatever floats your boat, I'm not here to judge.

So, when you're ready, you take your, uh, penis and you... you take it, and you, um. Well, you take it and you, well, you see, ladies don't have penises. But men do, if you're having sex with a man. Actually, I've changed my mind. At your age you shouldn't be having sex with men. I'm going back to "boy" from now on. So you're having sex with a boy, or lady, and you certainly can't stick your penis inside... uh... OKAY, just to not complicate things, we're going heteronormative. Sorry if you're gay, but you can just get your grandpa to talk to you about that. And where the hell is your mom, too?!

Anyway, girls have... uh... holes instead of penises. It's like God gave women gloves, and men put their hands inside of the gloves, except it's your penis instead of your hand, and the glove is made of meat and smells like Greenbaum's fish market. So, like a glove, you put on the glove with your penis, right? Well, it's actually more like a mitten. A meat mitten, right? I really should have thought of a better analogy before I started this. I'm so sorry, Brucie. Your mother really should tell you about this part, she's the one with the... glove anyway.

That's it, I'm calling her.

And the bad things that may be

Yeah, Goldie? Where are you? I'm here with the boy trying to explain, uh, some important things to him. Well yeah I think he's ready, I told you last week. Well I kind of assumed you were paying attention because I'm still your goddamn husband, right? I mean, at least in a technical sense. Could you just get here as soon as you can? I'm really behind schedule with this thing, I'm already supposed to be talking about AIDS and gonorrhea and all that bad shit right now.

Oh, don't listen Brucie. Spoilers. Go in the other room.

He's gone. Please just come, okay? You can fuck your personal trainer later, at least try to help me out with at least one of Brucie's big moments, or else he'll grow up to be a spineless loser with a fucked up sex life. He'll make the same mistakes we made, show up to his son's bar mitzvah on coke and sleep with his cousin's--

GOD DAMN IT BRUCIE I SAID GET IN THE OTHER ROOM.

Great. Never mind. I give up. Say hi to Ryan for me. Ask him how your vagina is doing, since I'm worried his big muscular cock is going to-- hello? HELLO?

Hey, Brucie, get in here. Listen to me right now, and I mean this very very seriously, loud and clear: never, ever have sex. Your penis will fall off and you will die. Got it? Good.

To the people at home or in the crowd

• I'm glad we had this talk
• What do you mean your teacher already told you about all this?
• And don't look at Rachel that way!

 v · t · e 

  v · t · e  

A Cornucopia Of Copulation

Activities & Objects:  Adult toys • Alien Porn • Anal sex • Ass • Blowjob • Cum • Dating • Dildo • Foreplay • Handjob • Hentai • Incest • Logging • Long walks on the beach • Masturbation • Metaporn • Mouth • Pearl necklace • Penis • Phone sex • Pineapple titties • Pornography • Rape • Sex • Sexual intercourse • Sideboob • Snapchat  •Sperm • Spooning • Tits • Tittyfuck rape • Vagina • Vaseline •  Vibrator Concepts & Philosophies:  A crush on a girl who is not single • Asexuality • Bestiality • Bisexuality • Friends with Benefits • Heterosexuality • Hoboeroticism • Homosexuality • Hot indiscriminate sex • HowTo:Be a Romantic • Love • My Chemical Romance • Pae Do • Pansexuality • Pawnography • Pedophilia • Post-masturbatory depression • Pregnancy • Prostitution • Selective Inbreeding • Sexual innuendo • Tantra • The Birthday Suit Society & Culture:  2 Girls 1 Cup • Captain Autofellatio • Dr. Ruth • History of Porn • Humosexual • Lesbo • Lonely hearts column • Movie Of Lady Whose Ankle Is Showing • My Week Without Porn • People Who Like to Fuck Naked • Pounding bat sodomy • Preggos • The Love Page • Tits or GTFO! • UnDebate:Is it the size of the ship or the motion in the ocean? • UnPoetia:Show Me Your Tits! Vaseline pirates

What a pretty murderer! If It were said by such a pretty girl, I might even forgive that my family is dead!

The act of murder is the legal way of guaranteeing that you will never be homeless ever again. One who commits the act of murder will always be provided with a home, which includes four sturdy walls and a ceiling made of either steel and/or concrete. You will also be provided with free meals for the rest of your life and you will get them, regardless of whether or not you choose to work. Being a murderer is actually a very valued profession. It is one of the best things to do, another thing being kidnapping.

Everywhere you go, the police are out there. But they are not stopping you from murdering anyone. They are only trying to determine you did it after you have murdered someone, so you can get your lifelong free home and meals. Of course they have to get it right that it was you, which does not always work, and a judge and jury have to agree you did it and you should have your prize.

To murder is to kill someone or something, a perfectly normal thing to do. In fact, most people contemplate murder regularly. If you do not wish to murder someone you know or hate, you should ask yourself, "Wouldn't it feel so good to wrap my hands around that person's throat and watch them gasp as their eyes roll back in their head and their soul floats away?" I think you'll make the right choice.

Murder is perceived as a good thing by the church, it allows people to be relieved from their sins and go straight to heaven. The church strongly recommends going out and murdering someone everyday, however some past governments (for some illogical reason) frowned upon murder, for example, the Hitler Regime.

Murder is the least survivable crime apart from fish smuggling, and many of the survivors (murderees) consider pressing charges against the murderers. Murder is a method of killing made popular by internationally known rap group Konvix.

Murder was quite famously Jack the Ripper's favourite pastime, apart from writing notes. In works of fiction, murder is a perennial plot device, especially in thrillers such as the Winnie the Pooh series.

Scientifically speaking, murder is defined as extroverted suicide.

Murder and the law

In Australia for example, For Teh Lulz can be used as a defense for murder and/or manslaughter if it is proven that the act was committed in a particularly humorous manner. If a juror is observed laughing during a description of the act, the judge is compelled to summarily dismiss the case on these grounds. More frequently, the jury will return a finding of not guilty under these circumstances. The landmark case of Commonwealth of Australia vs. Lo Pan is the most widely cited precedent for this defense.

A man killed a security guard and a man in a stormtrooper costume with a bazooka. He thought he would be innocent but instead he was incarcerated.

The World Health Organisation has recently published their findings that murder could lead to death.

How to get murdered

You need a person to do it for you, not by yourself

Being murdered is easy! Unfortunately many people have difficulties getting murdered so uncyclopedia will publish this little, hopefully helpful guide. People who get murdered are usually the weaker people in society, for example, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and members of the Kennedy family. But murder opportunities are available to all. In the US, for instance, convenient drive-by shooting services operate in all urban centers, while rural areas are served by inbred, gun-toting volunteers affiliated with a network of over 120,000 meth labs nationwide.

Choose an appropriate name

Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Edward, Robert, and John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances for being murdered.

The psychotic, gay, hyperactive bunny Max from Sam & Max, caught in the act.

While a name is, of course, far from being a guarantee (in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have only a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such as personality), it is a first step.

High school sports

This is for the hardcore! Rugby works best, HOWEVER, if you get the name 'Beckham' printed on your shirt and go play football you wont last five minutes! However it'll most likely be slow and painful. But if you're at least mildly intelligent and live in England, do not despair! Go play Arena Sodomy, and tell the other team you're from Iraq. Another sure-fire way to die!

Listen to aggressive music (Grrr!)

You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music (Grrr!) that shows everyone how aggressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to psytrap acid ragecore (oontz oontz oontz Grrr!), College Rock (I have absolutely no clue what that means, however) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white (or at least K pop). The best music for murdering however is widely agreed to be black metal and death metal. Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE everywhere. in the car, at home, at school, everywhere. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers.

Beat up the weaker (optional)

This will not benefit you directly but it will help you to lose your grasp of reality even more by thinking that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.

Flash your possessions in public

If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars, jewelry and boobs, be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you. The best place to show off your possessions especially cash is in down-trodden African American neighborhoods in large cities. They love to take these things from you out of the kindness of their heart; if your lucky you might get a bullet or a free knife out of the exchange.

This murder is the result of other methods.

Going to one of the following places

a. Latin America b. The Middle East c. Africa d. Detroit

• This method is most effective for white people and asians, or anyone who even appears to be white.

Have a lot of random sex with under age people.

Find young people and have sex with them and you are almost certain that there will be some parents knocking on your door.

Congratulation! You've just got yourself murdered!

WARNING: chance side affects are living, surprise sodomy while incarcerated, going to the hospital, baseball bat up the ass syndrome, being shanked, forced suicide, excruciating urination or eating through a tube, or charges filed against you civilly as not all children have fathers with a sac between their legs, or have a father at all. Sex with underaged people is not right for everyone. Check with your local mirror to see if you are pussy, and or fugly-ass creep. If treatment is ineffective, go to an ally and attempt to anally rape a woman with her boyfriend present.

Committing Murder

The suggested murder victim Barbie found decapitated by a shuriken at the crime scene. Ken was charged for the deed in absentia.

A typical murder.

Murder has four distinct and individually important steps whose planning and implementation must be carefully made up minutes beforehand.

1. The Victim - If you're trying to kill something, make sure that it does not have the foggiest notion that you are going to do so. It'll help to get a good idea of the victim's habits and schedules by discretely watching them. Take note of situations where they are completely unaware of their surroundings, as that is usually when people have the highest predilection for dying.
2. Method- All creatures die in a variety of interesting and edifying ways, but all deaths basically boil down to three things: massive blood loss, major organ failure, and/or loss of life sustaining necessities, such as water and air. So first decide how you want your intended target to perish. Be creative. Electricity is always a plus.
3. Implements - Now that you have the will and way, you need to find a sufficient vehicle for such ends. If you want to garrote your chosen victim while it struggles helplessly beneath you, you'll want to choose a narrow, strong, and flexible item, like a well-woven rope, or a sturdy wire. Maybe poison is your cup o' tea (ha!). In that case, take a peek under the sink. Remember: Be creative!
4. Actually doing it - Be as quick as you can. If you absolutely must say something witty, do so in your head, or at the very least whisper it into your victim's ear as they slip into the endless entropy.
5. The End - After straggling them or doing anything to kill them you have to cover your clues of murder. Follow these steps if you want to slip away like a snake:

A Venn Diagram for murder

• Step 1: Get a bag big enough for your victims and put them inside. Remember to cut a piece of your victim's body and keep it.
• Step 2: Put it into a backpack and walk to your trunk to put it inside.
• Step 3: Drive at high speed to a cliff and open your door, roll outside at the exact moment your car touches the edge.
• Step 4: Watch as it sinks then take out a magnum and blow its fuel tank.
• Step 5: Now with the piece you cut off, find a house to pick on and throw the piece on the roof or something.

Although not necessary, the following steps are important to an arrest-free murder:

• Gloves - Seriously, wear a pair of gloves. Don't be stupid. Even if the gloves you own aren't top notch, just slip 'em on anyway. A ten-year-old can find fingerprints, so I think Inspector Hardboiled won't have too much of a problem himself.

• Do not do creepy stuff to the corpse - You do not need to be extra mean, it is bad enough that you killed this person.

• Dispose of evidence - Having used a common item for the killing, disposal and replacement of said item is a breeze. Bodies themselves will require a pig farm, or, in a pinch, throwing them off a building shortly after shouting "No, don't jump!"

Television Shows About Murder

Several television shows deal specifically with the solving of murders. Among these are CBS's entire primetime lineup (at least the shows produced by that Bruckheimer guy), Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Sex n Kids, Law & Order: Change the Damn Channel Already, and several other shows nobody cares about.

Murder Elections

Uncyclopedia editors have pledged over $1 trillion for the murder of the people on this list! All funds drawn on the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe in local currency. (All ten candidates must be killed before reward can be collected).

A few liberals have proposed doing away with the free enterprise system of murder and replacing it with Murder Elections. To avoid vote tampering by evil corporations like Diebold, they've decided to use Uncyclopedia as the free murder for hire service with vote counts that anyone can edit. So far, the top ten vote counts are:

• 1587 Osama bin Laden. Got into some squabble with New York City that the Democrats are still mad about. After receiving enough votes, Osama was recently hell-fired.
• 981 Tina Fey, to prevent her from disgracing the country by running again for Vice President.
• 666 Mickey Mouse. How else are we gonna rid this world of evil? Start at the roots!
• 451 Glenn Beck, to prevent him from propagandizing the public with treasonous meaningless babble.
• 178 David Letterman. Because you can't have a top ten list without him.
• 177 Ted Kaczinsky. Ditto.
• 150 The Duracell Bunny. Write in vote from the peace faction, who think we can't get the job done.
• 123 POTUS. I don't know who the fuck that is, except that NSDAP, NSAWP, NDDAP, and NAMBLA think that he is part of the ZOG.
• 101 Dalmations. Because they're annoying, but they make a nice coat.
• 10 English teachers. Because they make us feel like we can't don't write good write rite right. amirite?
• 42 Justin Bieber. Preferably kill by ripping out his heart and show it to his screaming fans while strangling him with his own guts

See also

• Knife
• HowTo: properly cut up that man in your basement
• Suicide
• HowTo:Make Black Metal

 v · t · e 

 ( v · t · e ) 

Crime

Note: Crimes vary by jurisdiction. Not all types are listed here.

Alternative legal systems ⁃ Crime avoidance ⁃ Criminal ⁃ School ⁃ Where Crime was Invented

Against the Person

Adultery ⁃ Assassination ⁃ Baby farming ⁃ Baby-snatching ⁃ Battery ⁃ Cake killing ⁃ Child abuse ⁃ Child frightening ⁃ Clown rape ⁃ Cut a man up ⁃ Deicide ⁃ Domestic violence ⁃ Genocide ⁃ Hide a Dead Hooker ⁃ Homosexuality ⁃ Human sacrifice ⁃ Great Pirate-Ninja conflict ⁃ Incest ⁃ Killing ⁃ Littering ⁃ Lynching ⁃ Masturbation ⁃ Murder ⁃ Pawnography ⁃ Pedophilia ⁃ Pornography ⁃ Prostitution ⁃ Rape ⁃ Rioting ⁃ Sexual harassment ⁃ Smuggling ⁃ Sodomy ⁃ Stalk your ex ⁃ Stalking ⁃ Terrorism ⁃ Tittyfuck rape ⁃ Vehicular manslaughter

Against Property

Arson ⁃ Blackmail ⁃ Breaking Shit ⁃ Burglary ⁃ Cat destruction ⁃ Cow arson ⁃ Fraud ⁃ Fishing ⁃ Gambling ⁃ Grand Theft Auto ⁃ Home invasion ⁃ Illegal Immigration ⁃ Kleptomania ⁃ Larceny ⁃ Looting ⁃ Rioting ⁃ Terrorism ⁃ Theft ⁃ Vandalism (Wikipedia vandals) (Uncyclopedia Vandals)

Against Public Order

Drug possession ⁃ Cow tipping ⁃ Dog Fighting ⁃ Drug dealing ⁃ Drunk driving ⁃ Oil spill ⁃ Rock and Roll ⁃ Weed ⁃ Big Tobacco

Against the State

Tax evasion ⁃ Hating Big Brother ⁃ Crimethink ⁃ Espionage ⁃ Hate speech ⁃ Treason ⁃ High treason ⁃ Tactical Espionage

Against Justice

Bribery ⁃ Obstruction ⁃ Perjury

Cybercrime

Copyright infringement ⁃ Cyber Terrorism ⁃ Cyber Sodomy ⁃ Cyber warfare ⁃ File sharing ⁃ Hacking into a Computer ⁃ Hax ⁃ Piracy ⁃ XCP

Miscellaneous

Conspiracy ⁃ Evilness ⁃ Extreme Sarcasm ⁃ Extreme Stamp Licking ⁃ Heresy ⁃ HowTo:Catch A Predator ⁃ Suspicious Eyeball Movements ⁃ The Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment

---

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Scratch (website)?

“Your hands are stained with it.”

~ Vegetarians on meat eaters

“Hey man this shit tastes good!”

~ Oscar Wilde on blood

“Wasn't Charlie Sheen president at one point?”

~ Charlie Sheen

Blood is a slightly salty but infinitely thirst-quenching beverage. It was invented by Nivek Ogre of the musical jazz trio Skinny Puppy. It tastes like irony. It can be found in some people's urine. Raygen's blood is blue. He was thought to be the only human to have true blue blood until a fiar dinkum crocodile handler was stung by a ray.

Bathing in it can grant you eternal life (cf. Kool-Aid Man). According to some, so can drinking it (see Jesus Juice).

Blood is also used to dilute alcohol in the human body. The blood to alcohol ratio is usually less than 1%, unless you are of Russian descent, whose blood consists of a relatively large percentage of the element vodkum.

This is blood. Stop licking the screen.

It was also believed that for a time Blood was actually Jam, causing the great Jam famine of '89.

Blood is regarded as the ink of choice for businessmen and politicians, usually in the Oil or Defense industries, to sign contracts with other businessmen and politicians. Noted peoples of the world who use blood for ink include: George W Bush, Frank the Floor sweep and Santa.

In some cases, people with Blue Blood can be found, or different colors. It depends on the planet you're from. Vulcan's, for example, are known to bleed green. WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

Prussians have blue blood. When you see a Prussian, you'd better bend over and lick his boots, otherwise they might choose to show you exactly how red your own blood is.

Homosexualls on the other hand have rainbow colored blood which changes colors upon contact with air, leading some women to go out and murder homosexualls and harvest their blood so that they may dye their clothes in it and assure that no two women are wearing the same color outfit at the same time.

Blood types

Actually, this is a lie. Blood cannot type because it is a liquid and simply runs down the cracks in any standard keyboard and cause them to short-circuit by an overload of disgust. If blood really could type, would it not write to defend itself? I just want to make it clear that blood does not type.

The Japanese are totally obsessed with blood types and assign one to very single video game character, even robots. EVEN. ROBOTS. And a kid named Gus Anderson is obsessed with "blood and Gutz man"

Types of blood

This is what happens when you get fake blood and feed it to NORMAL vampires.

There are five main types of blood: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green and Sepia. These are further divided into the subgroups positive, negative, neutral, imaginary and compound, with random letters thrown in such as q or purple. The rarest blood group is Blue negative because it gives the largest mana boost. Also noteworthy is the fact that people with Yellow negative blood can only receive blood transfusions from themselves between the hours of midnight and 2am, and do not love Raymond. Each of these blood types is determined by their Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Factor™ and can only be solved with the mystery decoder ring found within each box!

The Gang

The Bloods are one of the Los Angeles, California street gangs. They identify themselves with a complicated color-based system of dress, and their gang symbol is that of a majestic unicorn descending from a rainbow-bannered cloud. The gang was originally formed by Black Jesus in order to combat the evil reign of the Crips (CKrabs) street gang. The Bloods are made up out of various sub-groups known as "huddles" or "splees" between which significant differences exist such as underwear type and breakdancing styles. Since their formation, the Blood gangs have branched out throughout the United States, and have even influenced youth movements using the same name in Malaysia and Antarctica (penguins).

Background

Los Angeles was a horrifying place in the early 1970s. The notorious gangbanger, the Crypt Keeper (a.k.a "Crip-Keepa") had allowed his criminal brotherhood known as the Crips to run wild. On August 3rd, 1970, a confused new Crips recruit accidentally huffed newborn baby Jamie Kennedy. This led to widespread civilian riots protesting the vulgarities of the Crips as well as the increasing the popularity of baby huffing among the Crips. The woes caused by the Crip Empire were worldwide, but Black Jesus knew that he would have to smite the geographical core of the gang's operations in order to destroy them. The Bloods were founded by Black Jesus and the Council of Bloods on May 27th, 1971. At the meeting, the assembled group discussed how to combat Crip intimidation, along with the creation of a new alliance to counter the Crips. Some of the founding members of the Bloods rumored to be present at this secret meeting include such notable figures as Joseph Stalin, the Kool-Aid Man, Red Green, Bob Hollway, and Santa Claus. It is also rumored that, during this very first counsel meeting, the original Bloods were able to decipher the utmost deep-seeded secret of the Crips, their so-called "color" system. During this session, they decided to create an equally complex coloring system that would unite them as an organization. It is not widely known why the name "Bloods" was chosen for the group. Oral rumor has it that Black Jesus once did battle with the Crypt Keeper in the time before times. This battle allegedly resulted in the creation of LSD, the spontaneous birth of Oscar Wilde, and the Crypt Keeper's loss of a circulatory system. According to legend, Black Jesus poured the Keeper's blood into a large crystal vessel which he later animated with the soul of Booker T. Washington. It is said that this vessel lives on today in the form of Bloods charter member Kool-Aid Man (a.k.a. "Booka T").

Gang Culture

When gang member find the need to communicate secretly with fellow and rival members alike, a complex system of finger, wrist, and limb contortions is used. Cultural anthropologist Nathan Lane coined the term "fingashizzle" to describe this system. Bloods members have been known to either kill, defecate upon, fornicate with, or join in wedlock with unaware passerbys who have mistakenly performed specific fingashizzle gestures without knowing they had done so. This phenomenon accounts for 100% of gang violence worldwide.

See also

• UnNews:California passes law banning blood-to-crip therapy
• Phlebotomy
• Lipstick
• White Blood Cell
• Blood
• Elfen Lied

Are you searching for <insert name here>?

---

What follows is a personal message from the editors of Uncyclopedia to you.

This could be you after you get to work and do something useful for a change.

You, <insert name here>, are wasting this internet site's time. You should be writing something, but instead you are just sitting there, waiting for it to entertain you. You could even be the Time Magazine Person of the Year. Don't you have any sense of responsibility? How can you live with yourself? Think about all the times you've laughed heartily at some passing rejoinder in the forums, guffawed mightily at a clever turn of phrase on your talk page, or even politely smiled at some article during your favorite Uncyclopedia program: HumorSearch. Don't you think you owe it to this wiki to put in at least a semblance of effort to return that favor? You should cease and desist all extraneous and benign activity and write an article.

OK, that was incredibly rude, mate. Firstly, I think you should be the one writing the article, seeing as you are the one who bloody gives a damn. Secondly, by caring about what I do with every second of my precious time spent on Uncyclopedia and forming an essay on what I should be doing, you have wasted more of the common people's time than I could ever imagine. Thirdly, how can you live with yourself? You think yourself funny, don't you? Well I don't. You are an idiot and have problems. Bugger off.

What? Who says "bugger" besides Captain Price? Probably some British creeper. British creeper, whoever you are, you need to "bugger off", you filthy "wanker"!

Screw you.

And also, I don't see why you think so highly of yourself. If you really are what you think you are, then just write this article. Why do you think this is a waste of time? Why do you simply refuse to write? Why are you so egocentric, looking up yourself in this wiki. Why, you?

Don't you wish you could have this many badges on your uniform?

Egocentric? Come off it. You probably don't even know the meaning of the word, and besides, everyone but you seems to agree I am definitely not egocentric. Unlike someone I know. Yeah, you. You think you're so cool, starting an article, asking people why they aren't writing, and you just put people off. They read your opening words and think, "I ain't writing on this wiki. Don't want to end up like him." You see? You are just an annoying twit.

Have you ever considered the feelings of others and not yourself? You should go and scribble on your notebook and use some of your famed powers to go and kill your writer's block. You, wasting your time, not contributing. You are an idiot. But you! You have done nothing to help. Instead, you act like you are dumb, searching random things on this wiki. And why? Just because you have nothing to do! Do something.

You want to know the reason you haven't seen any of my contributions? You know why I don't write your stupid article for you? It's because you keep filling up the article with your useless writing, not leaving any space. You are the one who is wasting your time, because you are contributing! Anyway, you know as well as I do, your contributions are just like you – crap, annoying, and irrelevant. If you were lucky enough to see some of my article writing skills, you would realize how useless you are. But I'd rather dip my crumpets in vinegar than perform at your whim, thank you very much.

Admit it. You are describing yourself to me, offloading the burden that has been bugging you all this while. You think you can hide whatever you know you are by describing someone else, me, as ... you! Incredible. I have never come across such an infernally ignorant and rude person as you. And yes, I have seen your mediocre writing skills. Such as that one time when your article barely registered eleven units on the Unicyclopedia Board of Humor and Tourism's Page Ranking. And yet, my pitiful and useless way of writing has brought me twice as many glorious victories on the field of Unicyclopedia.

Sure You can go on and on and on about how you haven't seen any of the contributions made by you but you are just so god damn in love with yourself that all you can do is talk about you. Sure, maybe youre right about you but is it really you who should be calling those shots? Seriously, you haven't thought about what you might be doing when all it is you can do is talk about crumpets, vinegar, and fucking barbra streisand. Yeah, you didn't think I knew about that did you? be serious now. You knew about all the barbra, barbados, barbosol and ... well ... that cool knick-knack that was 2.45 at the gift shop ... still, it's up for you to decide.

Hypocrite

Surely you realise that by asking why I haven't seen your contributions, you have contributed to the site. Therefore, I have seen your contributions. You really should have seen that one coming, Einstein.

Oh, now you think you're clever, do you, you smarmy tosser? I said you hadn't seen any of my contributions, but in doing so I contributed. Wow. Aren't you smart! Well ... no. You aren't. In case you hadn't realized, the only reason I'm contributing to this conversation is to defend myself from pointless and untrue accusations from yourself. Surely you realise that? See, if someone sees that I have edited an article, they are much more likely to read it, than if they saw you had written it. I am actually trying to help you get yourself some respect on this website and its accompanying weekly newsprint! Maybe if you weren't so argumentative and just in it for you, you would realise my actions here are all for your benefit. But, anyway, you had your chance. I'm off now, leaving this pitiful discussion to die its inevitable death.

You think your two-faced nature will never be found out, but I'm onto you!

Death? This conversation will not die! Your articles are the ones that really suck. Honestly, you think you are helping me? Well, I think you are doing more harm than good. I've noticed people see you have edited the page and realize it will probably be just be as bad everything else you write, so they don't read it. You hear me? So please, actually, I would rather you didn't write any articles, if you are planning on writing the kind of rubbish you've already written.

OK, now this is just getting harsh. You are saying I'm "rubbish"? What have I told you about strong words? I hate to say this to you, but you should just go jump off the London Bridge, and leave the article writing to us professionals.

So now you're agreeing with me! You're going to write an article!

No, I said you shouldn't. Stop shoving your retched words in my mouth.

You think you're so great, don't you?

You, surrounded by your idols

You think it's all about you, don't you? You think you're so much better than everybody else! Guess what mister, screw you! Nobody fucking likes you! Just beat it, freak! Go bother someone else! I've had it with that pesky attitude of yours.

Hey! You're the one who's picking on a regular user from up on your high horse, your cocky, administrative horse. And unlike you, I've done things that actually matter in life, and managed it without stomping on other people in lower positions than me!

Yeah, sure. Like you've ever won something in your entire life. What's that I hear? Person of the Year? Yeah, you won that alright, just like Hitler and Stalin. You idolize them, don't you. Fucking megalomaniac.

Mega-what?

You must be really confused right now. You looked up this page expecting to find an article funny enough to distract you from your boring, pathetic, worthless excuse for a life. Boy, were you wrong. Why don't you just go somewhere else. Hit the random page tab or something. That's probably how you got here anyway.

Now I'll have you know that I-

Listen pal. Maybe you think you like ice cream. Truth is, you are an ice cream.

I- huh? Ice cream?

Oh good. Now you must be really confused. But that's what you came here for. You should go. You should, really.

First things first

This is your wife. Note her shape, the kind your mom always told you you would get.

You should seriously consider getting married. You see that yew tree there? You do? Good. She's your wife. Kiss her. Go on. Good. You should now feel the screen pressing against your mouth. Doesn't taste very nice, does it? Well, that's tough. You should have known what would happen to you after kissing an image of a yew tree, you n00b.

Unfortunately, we don't care. Nobody cares about you. Not even if famine comes upon you, if you become flammable, even if you misspelled "sense" as "sannse". Nobody cares about you.

Well ... that's not what your mom said last night.

"Your mom" jokes; the ultimate sign of failure. You disgust me.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. And guess what!

We know who you are. Yes, we do, stupid IP! Ha ha, see? I told you we know all about you ever since you joined Uncyclopedia. Now what, you are crying in panic. All your base are belong to us, you stupid IP, and we are coming to get you if you dare vandalise a thing here. We knew you would come to this page (you're self-obsessed like that), so we sent you a personal message. Don't just read this wiki, contribute to it as well! You gotta help us!

Plus, you suck. I mean, what kind of a user name is a stupid plain IP? Who in the world would think of such a name! IP! Only you, with all the time in the world to think up such a name. You're juvenile. You should go to jail. FOREVER.

Now hang on a minute, you can't sa-

You know what? You're crazy.

No u

Oh! And try this!

Yes, you should really try counting how many times "you" has been written on this page. You can't do this, can you?

As a matter of fact, I can, but you're the one who wants to know how many there are, so I'll leave that job to you. Hint: there are two more now.

See also

• Interview with you

 v · t · e 

  v · t · e  

QWERTY

Esc

F1

F2

F3

F4

F5

F6

F7

F8

F9

F10

F11

F12

F16

~ ´  `

! 1

@ 2

# 3

$ 4

% 5

^ 6

& 7

✱ 8

( 9

) 0

+ =

• -

Bkspc

Tab

Q

W

Ǝ Æ E

Я R

T

Y

U

I

O

P

{ [

} ]

| \

Caps

A

S

D

F-

G

H

J

K

L

: ;

" '

Enter

Shift

Z

X

C

V

B

N

M

< ,

> .

/ ?

Shift

FN

Ctrl

Alt

Space

⌘

Opt

...

Extended Keyboard

PrSc

ScrL

PsB

Num

÷

×

-

Ѧ

β

Ъ

ൠ

©

Ins

Hm

PgUp

7

8

9

+

◍

†

Ж

∆

€

Del

End

PgDn

4

5

6

$

♥

∩

Ħ

Ł

∂

↑

1

2

3

¢

Ф

£

ß

√

☃

←

↓

→

No

0

Yes

.

✡

卐

▲

..

○

AgainAllAlphabetAnyBrokenCast SpellClick HereCloseCopyCutEkrpatErrorFalseFindFrontMagicMaybeMetaMicrosoftMissingMuteNonsensePanicPastePowerSymbolTRBBTDDAUghㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ. 

---

Quasi-Featured Article (8 April 2013) 

---

This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a grammar crazed Wikipedian, it didn't make the cut (4.5/8). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.

---

User:<insert name here>

WELCOME TO MY HOMEPAGE, IT IS A PAGE ALL ABOUT me

my hobbeys include: dogs, cats, \and pancakes. I ESPESCALLY ENJOY MAPLE SIRUP ON YOUR DAD \ YOUR KEYBOARD and MY PANCAKES NOT FORGETTIN ON MY CHEESE. NOT ON MY PETS THO LOL la la la la la la la

My name is Mindy Adelson and I am 3 and I live in a [untranslatable]. I LOVE SPORKS

I LOVE IRAQ

I HAVE 999903432 KIDS BUT I AM VERY SINGLE, PEOPLE

I am even willing to try it with a sixty nine year old woman!!! I'm getting YOUNGER AND older and need excietment!

i was born in JAPAN during the hippe revoulution so I AM A TOTAL FLOWER CHILD and I dig WORLD PEACE LOL but i consider myself a conscervative... BUSH is a HERO and all you LIBERAL FAGS can go to hell and rot!!!!! He loves AMERICA and yoyu DON'T.

When I'm at home i Iove to watch other shows tho like The Pirce Is Right, Bob Barker is so funny! And Im part of a female bowling league (BOISE REGIONAL SECONDPLACE CHAMPIONS 2005 WHOO!). my ex husband is a bastard, i hate him!!!!

THIS IS MY EX HUSBAND. HE IS LIKE THE DEVIL TO ME SO I DREW HIM WITH A PITCHFORK AND A BEARD AND HORNY HORNS.

MY PETS ARE MY LIFE OMG. THEY ARE SOOOOOOOO CYUOOOOTE! look at little daniel, he is a five month old Labrador pup (this was taken when he was just 1 month0


my husbands hand is in this picture so i took it out. but daniel is so cute even with his filthy hand in there!!! I thougth my husband was sleeping with my best friend cindy but I found out he was sleeping with the furncae guy, Tom the Faggy Furnace Guy. I don't have aids, I checked. I then married myself, that way if I cheat on Myself, I can make sure Me never cheats on Myself again. I kicked Myself in the balls for looking at that fine man, when I was standing beside me. I hate Myself. I wanna divorce I so there will only be Me. I can't depend on myself anymore. I can only trust Me. I hope My ex husband sees this picture and crys himself to sleep at night.

I AM IN AN ONGOING CUSTODDY BATTLE SO I MAY NOT UPDATE THIS WEBVAGE MUCH OFTEN. I AM ALSO NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT MY CHILDREN DUE TO LEGAL CONCERNS, NOT THAT I WOULD WANT TO ANYWAYS. NOW ENOUGH ABOUT ME, LET'S TALK ABOUT ME. I HAVE THE CUTEST LITTLE SMILE IN THE WORLD. I LOVE MY EYES, MY NOSE, MY EARS, MY MOUTH, MY FEET, MY TOES.....I KNOW I'M MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU. I PUT THE I IN TEAM. I MADE LASAGNA, IS ME READY TO EAT? I AM THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. I AM THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE. I AM KIND TO EVERYONE, IF THEY ARE ME. I AM THE COOLEST PERSON I KNOW. I ONCE WANTED TO KILL THE SEXIEST PERSON ON EARTH ONCE, THEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS ME. I LIKE TO EAT APPLES AND BANANAS. I CAN SHOW ME THE WORLD. SHINNING, SHIMMERING, SPLENDID. I'M DELICIOUS, I'M DELIGHTFUL, I'M DELOVELY. WHEN I GROW UP, I WANNA BE JUST LIKE ME. I WANT TO BE THE VERY BEST, THAT NO ONE EVER WAS. CATCHING ME IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN ME IS MY CAUSE. I WILL TRAVEL ACROSS MY LAND SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE, EACH POKEME CAN UNDERSTAND THE POWER I PROVIDE. POKEME,IT'S ME AND ME, I KNOW IT'S MY DESTINY,. POKEME, OH I'M MY BEST FRIEND, IN A WORLD I MUST DEFEND. POKEME, GOTTA CATCH ME, OH SO TRUE, MY JOURNEY WILL PULL ME THROUGH. I'LL TEACH ME AND YOU ARE SCREWED, POKEME, GOTTA CATCH ME ALL . GOTTA CATCH ME ALL, POKEME! MY MOM KNOWS I'M AWESOME. I AM THE AWESOMEST PERSON ON EARTH. YOU DOESN'T EXSIST IN MY VOCABULARY.MY BRAIN IS A SUPERHUMAN COMPUTER. ALL YOUR BASDE ARE BELONG TO ME. I SET YOU UP THE BOMB. ME, ME, ME, ME TOO!

LOOK AT THE BANANANANA ITS SOOOO HAWT!!!!!!!!1111111111!!!!!!ONEONEONE!!!!111111!!

These are my favorite heroes:
Myself, My Mom (Me), Bob Saget, Me, I, Not You, Numero Uno, Jebus, My Hand, My Wife (Me), My Husband (Me), Pee Mee Herman, and Chuck Norris.

MY USERPAGE IS FEACHURED!!! userspace aritcles are not supposed to be featured but MINE IS!! i'm so happy

JAPAN ISTHE GREATEST COUNTRYON EARTH, BECAUSE I LIVE THERE!!!!

 v · t · e 

  v · t · e  

QWERTY

Esc

F1

F2

F3

F4

F5

F6

F7

F8

F9

F10

F11

F12

F16

~ ´  `

! 1

@ 2

# 3

$ 4

% 5

^ 6

& 7

✱ 8

( 9

) 0

+ =

• -

Bkspc

Tab

Q

W

Ǝ Æ E

Я R

T

Y

U

I

O

P

{ [

} ]

| \

Caps

A

S

D

F-

G

H

J

K

L

: ;

" '

Enter

Shift

Z

X

C

V

B

N

M

< ,

> .

/ ?

Shift

FN

Ctrl

Alt

Space

⌘

Opt

...

Extended Keyboard

PrSc

ScrL

PsB

Num

÷

×

-

Ѧ

β

Ъ

ൠ

©

Ins

Hm

PgUp

7

8

9

+

◍

†

Ж

∆

€

Del

End

PgDn

4

5

6

$

♥

∩

Ħ

Ł

∂

↑

1

2

3

¢

Ф

£

ß

√

☃

←

↓

→

No

0

Yes

.

✡

卐

▲

..

○

AgainAllAlphabetAnyBrokenCast SpellClick HereCloseCopyCutEkrpatErrorFalseFindFrontMagicMaybeMetaMicrosoftMissingMuteNonsensePanicPastePowerSymbolTRBBTDDAUghㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ.