User:Getthemzombies/Space Suit Killer
On April 4th 2003, the Space Suit Killer was put on trial for the known murder of fourteen people. Although he was recorded on record for killing upwards of fifty people, he was only tried for the original fourteen, and sentenced to death by being thrown into a jet engine. After his death, the United States Government was granted access to his satellite home, currently in orbit over Guam. What they found there consisted of a list of victims, their burial locations, and a lifetime suplly of dried fruit snacks which he won on his 1995 debut on Nickelodeon's "Wild and Crazy Kids".
He is survived by his father, who was interviewed on "The View" in late 2004. When his father (the Space Suit Carpenter) was questioned he simply replied "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I'm wearing a space suit."
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Upon his birth in 1977 at Lynard Skynard Memorial Hospital, the Space Suit Killer was left to die on the side of the road in a happy meal box. He was found and raised by wolves in the deep woods of New Jersy until he reached the age of eighteen. He would then be hired to work on the hit television show "Legends of the Hidden Temple". In spring of 1993, when he was completely under the influence that Olmec was his father, he joined the reveered Purple Parrots on their quest for the silver monkey. Upon falling into the mote in round one, he swam to the other side, leaping through the ball pit and into Olmec. The giant stone man fell on him, and he recieved a consolation prize for being crushed by Olmec. His prize was one whole day at Space Camp in Hunsville Alabama.
The Killins[edit | edit source]
After going completely insane, the Space Suit Killer broke into the home of the Joblin family walked up the stairs into their room, and began to flip the ligh switch on and off. When Mrs. Joblin woke up and asked "Who's that in the space suit?" the killer simply replied, "Huh Huh...I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!". He then got her. The Next Morning, the police found the bodies of the Joblin family in their kitchen, and the words "Don't go in the basement" written on the kitchen wall. Upon searching the basement, police came up with nothing, which lead them to believe that the Space Suit Killer is a boldfaced liar. One clue was gleened from this murder, the fact that the Space Suit Killer's first name was John. The conclusion was lead to when officials found the words "My name is john" written on the living room walls in purple crayola "Shine Brite Glitter" crayon next to the words "I Like Chicken Soup" and "Poop". From here on, the Space Suit Killer would travel from house to house killing people who "Just looked like they'ld be assholes."
Justice[edit | edit source]
After the Space Suit Killer left his junk mail at the scene of the Rosewood murders, police tracked him down to his space sack which had been orbiting over the atlantic ocean at the time. They busted in and soon after waiting for the Space Suit Killer to finish his macaroni and cheese, he was brought into custody. Between being transported and being imprisoned, the Space Suit Killer tried to run, however, he tripped over his oxygen coard and was quoted as saying, "Fucking space suit!" During the court procediurs, the Space Suit Killer used a rare technique where he would sing the theme song from Charles in Charge as loud as he could to distract the jury. However, he was muffled by the space suit and was easily ignored. When his father was questioned as to his absence from the courtroom, he replied, "What was I supposed to do, I was in space!". One week before he was schedueld to be put to death, he was admited into the ER for esphixiation. He apparently nearly died laughing too hard when he was told what Vagasil was used for.
The Case File[edit | edit source]
Before his death, the Space Suit Killer was psychoanalized by Dr. Peabody of the Jonesport museum of town history in Jonesport Maine. Dr. Peabody tape recorded multiple conversations between himself and the killer, as follows.
- Peabody: " So, why do you kill people?"
- Space Suit Killer: "I Dunno"
- Peabody: "What drives you."
- Space Suit: "I Dunno"
- Peabody: "Your victims never tried to run. Some survivors say that you didn't come off as intimidating because of your constant giggling. Why are you always giggling?"
- Space Suit: "Caus' I'm in a space suit!"
- Peabody: "What goes through your mind when you kill."
- Space Suit: "I Dunno. All sorts of stuff. When I Killed Mr. Joblin I was wondering what happened to Crazy Bones. You know, those little plastic things. When I Killed Dr. Tran I thought about going to see the third Shreck movie. I think about Oreos alot. I like to twist two of the ends off, you know, and put them together so their like, double stuffed."
- Peabody: "They sell them double stuffed."
- Space Suit: "...what?"
After that, the space suit killer slashed Dr. Peabody's throat with the jagged edge of a quarter.
The Victims[edit | edit source]
The following is a chronological list of the Space Suit Killer's victims.
- Mrs. Joblin
- Mrs. Joblin
- Kirk Fogg
- Abe Lincoln
- Robert Jarvik
- J.R.
- Bowser
- Zac Efron
- Wilford Brimely
- The Electric Car
- Superman
- JFK
- Bambi's Mom
- Amelia Earhart
- Donnie Darko
- Greg the Bunny
- Jeffry Dahmer
- Mr. Pennybags
- Fred the Baker
- Lightning McQueen
- Charles Darwin
- Voldemort
- Erin Esurance
- Batman's Parents
- Tyler Perry
- A squirrel
- Mikey (from the life cerial ads)
- Rasputan
- Dog the Bounty Hunter
- Mr. Rosewood
- Mrs. Rosewood
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- The Space Suit Killer's last words before his execution were "Hold on one second, I'm in a space suit you know!"
- Before killing people, the Space Suit Killer spent his time making bracelets with beads on them that spelled out people's names. Some say the amount of names was what drove him insane. Some blame the insanity.
- The Space Suit Killer took the Pepsi challange and did indeed choose pepsi.
- The Space Suit Killer cried in the beginning of "The Land Before Time".
- He's in your house right now.
- The Space Suit Killer disagrees with the regression against trans fats, saying that he "Doesn't give a shit".
Memorable Quotes[edit | edit source]
- "I'm wearing a space suit"
- "I went to space the other day, but I accidently wore my Earth shirt and everyone knew I was a tourist."
- "I went to pluto for a while and filled all their fire extinguishers with gasoline because they're a bunch of STUPID FUCKING WHORES!"
- "There's a man in the moon and he knows what I'm thinking...all the time"
- "I wanna visit the sun, but I'll go in the winter so I don't need to bring a jacket."
- "I'ld go to mars, but they don't have KFC there, so I ain't goin!"
- "I like the brown M&Ms because they seem laid back."
- "Give me liberty or give me a MacBook!"