User:Abacab/IHOP (first copy)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
An iHOP logo seen in Apple Inc.'s cafeteria.

Since the earliest days of the International House of Pancakes (IHOP), we have been serving costumers the best food their money can buy. Read on and learn more about us.

Products[edit]

So many choices, so little time

It's IHOP, breakfast food is what we do. Pancakes, square pancakes, omelettes, coffee, anything the average American believes would be best to consume during the hours of 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM, served all day in smoking and non-smoking sections. Along with our wide variety of tasty and affordable meals, we also serve generous helpings of good ol' fashioned love to all patrons of Northern European descent.

Our most recent accomplishment is renovating all 835 IHOP restaurants into edible buildings. That's right, you sit at your table, eat your food, and then eat your way out!

Here's a list of our fine products:

  • Pancakes – Though it is rare, we still get the occasional customer coming into our restaurant, hoping to consume a warm, delicious, home-made pancake. Sadly, we are forced to turn them away, as our traditional pancake tends to be harder than an airline roll, and approximately half as edible. Apparently, most people are under the impression that the name of our restaurant has something to do with what we pride ourselves in making. We find this funny.
  • Waffles – Our specially-made “waffles” are only waffles in the sense that they have dents in them, and, if you are hungry enough, you could eat one. They are also kind of fluffy. While creating the “waffle” recipe, we made an important discovery: anything can taste good if it has enough butter and syrup on it. Butter is stocked plentifully on each table, which contributes wonderfully to the waffle experience. Also, on each table you will find two five-gallon syrup jugs: one is maple flavored; the other we have determined tastes vaguely of plums, after taking a vote. Together, butter and syrup can make our waffle taste as good as any other.
  • Biscuits and gravy – Have you ever opened your fridge and looked in the back somewhere, discovering a container full of leftovers from eight months ago? And now it has developed into a living, breathing, thinking life form? If so, you have a basic idea of what our biscuits and gravy are like. Do not be surprised if, during your meal consumption, one of the biscuits crawls off your plate, yelling obscenities at you. Just make sure to tip the waiter a little extra, for the mess you've caused by ordering such a troublesome dish.
  • Bacon – Our bacon looks deceptively like real bacon. Heh. See, we don't actually know what's in your bacon. We figure it has something to do with meaty substance of some sort. Otherwise, it wouldn't make a sizzling sound when we put it on the grill.
  • Chef's Surprise – This special dish originally donned its name from the looks of surprise on our costumer's faces when we serve them this dish. "What is this?" they usually ask, or "Where the hell am I?" Moral: Just eat it.
  • Nothing, Thanks, I'm Fine – Surprisingly enough, this seems to be our most popular dish, despite the fact that it is not actually listed on the menu. Basically, we just give our happy costumer an empty plate, then charge them for a full meal. If they argue in even the slightest way, all our waiters laugh simultaneously, in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin after he enslaved Eastern Europe. This makes our poor costumer tremble with fear.

History[edit]

Original building of IHOP as it appears today.

IHOP has a rich history; at the turn of the 18th century, in collaboration with Norwegian and English scientists, we first invented the pancake — which barely resembles a cake — and named it the "Devil's Fluffy Breakfast Food of Science". The Pope regarded it as taboo, so the pancake had to go underground. Certain speakeasies or "houses" became known for the best pancakes and began charging for their services. These became the first International Houses of Pancakes.

The founder of IHOP, Yu Luk-Il (Jerry Lapin), was an immigrant from North Korea who fled the country in 1958, after dictator Kim Il-sung began to rise to power. Because he didn't want to be the last rat to jump ship, Yu immigrated to the United States on a small boat made from maple and oak wood. "Kim would steal your lunch money, your girlfriend, and your underwear", recalls Lapin. "I knew that if he ever came to power that people would be lining up to wipe his butt so that they wouldn't have to die through scaphism. I had to get outta there."

However, in their rush to leave, Yu's party neglected to store adequate food or fuel and ran out of both about 285 miles off the U.S. coast. The boat's cook, assuming maple wood to be similar to maple syrup, soon began to make pancakes from planks on the deck of the boat. "They were rough at first," recalls Lapin, "but soon everyone was devouring them. I got the recipe from the cook and decided to make a career out of spreading the merits of fiber-rich pancakes."

After changing his name to "sound more American" and hide from the Korean government, Jerry opened his first establishment (later purchased and redecorated by a local religious organization) in the largest building he could afford. "The building was many times larger than the ones back in Korea," says Lapin. "I figured people would be flocking to such a large establishment." However, when the customer base didn't emerge, Jerry soon moved to larger accommodations.[1]

Sadly, Jerry soon had to sell his establishment to his three only customers because he irreparably injured his back lifting a maple log to make his pancakes. "I hated to sell them the place, and at first I didn't like the menu changes that the new owners made," noted Jerry, "but the biscuits and gravy really grows on you."

Leaving Already?[edit]

Not surprising. Well, be sure to come back soon. :)

Footnotes[edit]

  1. To make room for his expansive mansions, palaces, and concubines, Kim Il-sung moved nearly every North Korean family into out houses, crypts, and tree hollows. Therefore Jerry's choice of an initial building is not surprising in context.

See also[edit]