United States v. Godzilla
In a series of declassified archived films containing accounts of radioactivity, rumors of fried electric grids, and mental gymnastic battles that have no gold medalists or trophy corpses, let alone worldwide destruction that can be defined by any costs or storefronts rummaged through, there are injured witnesses to the fact that Godzilla was a main concern for the multibillionaire corporation known as the Government of the United States. While there does seem to be a list of who was involved directly in the dismantling of the beast also known as Sumo Lizardsan, it's unclear how many from the corporation of the United States had been assigned the task of the impossible mission to take down an ancient Demolition Lord that's been nothing but trouble.
“What is this crap?!”
– Godzilla on Tokyo
“Japan won the space race but it was fake and gay and to top that off, they still had this giant lizard bipedal dragon that sent construction sites back to the Stone Age!”
“You can use elephant guns, tranquilizers by the gallon, and you can launch missiles and bombs at that thing but you're still gonna need to rebuild whatever was in Godzilla's path.”
– Japanese Navy
“Can someone please do something about that fucking lizard?!”
– Everybody after being stomped on
U.S. Department of Energy v. Godzilla[edit | edit source]
In 1940 the Japan Railways Group blew up a mountain to make way for a new highway. This stirred up an underground reptilian monster that proceeded to stomp the railroad and move on to stomp Tokyo. Then made its way across the ocean and began stomping the United States, including Hawaii and any Hawaiians hiding in Canada. Naturally, war was declared on Japan. It somehow got worse a year later. Godzilla was running amok and nothing seemed to stop it. Everyone lived in fear of the giant fish lizard rubber dinosaur with a vendetta.
Eventually the experts were called in to assist. Mark Mitchell and Ezra Conan Watnick were brought up to date on the whereabouts of Godzilla and the trail of carnage in its wake. Neither one of them wanted to catalogue the names and places as it was too depressing. When informed that most of the victims were just Robots, and the damage was mostly Cardboard Boxes and Styrofoam they still refused. They had to go underground to avoid being stepped on if they wanted to track the beast. Ezra tried previously to drive away but Godzilla's stride was too much and moved so fast that he had to abandon his car before he too, got squished. Mitchell suggested that they use satellites to track where the monster goes after destroying everything in sight. Ezra didn't want to break out any more drones or satellites and opted to head out on a brand new Submarine and confront the notorious Gamera. Watnick proceeded to taunt Mitchell about the fear of reptilian ocean dwellers and opined that it wasn't that big of a deal. Mitchell agreed that they should be more focused on catching Gamera and how hard could it be to pursue a giant turtle, after all? But Gamera had the ability to fly faster than any of their cars or planes.
A typical conversation between Mark Mitchell and Ezra Watnick as they ran for the hills.
Mark: What is that thing? It's flying through the air, and it's coming this way!
Ezra: It's nothing.
Mark: Godzilla is still on the loose, just, fyi.
Ezra: Why are you so afraid of that pathetic oversized salamander?
Mark: Dude it just wrecked your ride!
Ezra: It was a rental and what wreck? I don't see anything.
Mark: Godzilla just smashed your car into a pancake!
Ezra: Nonsense!
Mark: I mean, what else could do that?
Ezra: A falling rock?
Mark: Literally one of Godzilla's toenails is wedged in the windshield!
Ezra: Shut up shut up shut up!
Mark: You know, I did count 17 pieces of what was left of your car.
Ezra: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
U.S. Department of Transportation v. Godzilla[edit | edit source]
Buses, trains, and trolleys were never the same. Had anyone in the Department of Transportation listened to Elon Musk and allowed people to operate flying cars, a lot of money could have been saved trying to replace charred asphalt and unfortunate travelers needing scraped off. In some countries, they did allow people to have flying cars, and while it did prevent Godzilla from stomping on them, it was shocking to learn that Godzilla could also fly, as well.
Elon rightly wanted to relocate everyone to Mars. That is, until Martians showed up at his place and demanded that he cease and desist any further plans to bring Earth peoples to Mars. Especially after what they did many thousands of years ago.
It was eye-opening to Elon and his team that Martians had some run in with Earthlings before. When asked about these details, as can be expected, the Department of Transportation wouldn't discuss these matters. At all. But Elon and Everyone else found out it had to do with Godzilla or some form of it! Of course it did. It's always like this. Always.
The agency could not keep this thing a secret. Not after the monster stomped all over Narnia and brought with it the contents of that cluttered closet, dragging all of that with every step. That's when comedian Patrick Duffy, the Secretary of the Department of Transportation using the alias of Sean Rocky Duffy, stepped in and announced that a large, 186 foot lizard beast was on the loose. Everyone found this to be hilarious. Shortly after making the announcement Godzilla tossed him into the air. He landed in Dallas. And at that point, with Duffy out of the way, Godzilla proceeded to smash and stomp on everything. It was over.
U.S. Department of Homeland Security v. Godzilla[edit | edit source]
Cities and towns were demolished, but not the clever ants, who knew how to slip through the cracks. Nonetheless, Godzilla was OCD so if he couldn't kill even the smallest of things, he made up for it by killing anything larger. Midgets gave a good fight and then became bite-sized snacks. It wasn't until a Borderline Czar was brought in to capture Godzilla in hopes to use him as a warning against other alien threats. The monster would simply stomp on any intruder coming over the border.
Not one to lay eggs or be domesticated, the monster was shocked that Aliens were causing far more chaos at the border. Whipping his tail around, he headed through the Pacific Ocean and marched up on the scene. In usual Godzilla fashion, roaring and destroying all in his path. Flashing lights, sparks of electricity flying everywhere, and screams of AAAIEEEE!
Surprisingly this turned out pretty well. Except for the capturing part. Godzilla was never captured. The border would soon become a series of what looked like Sombrero Pancakes. To Godzilla, everyone looked like ants. The massive terror of all Tokyo inhabitants had enjoyed a life of terrorizing the population and tearing down skyscrapers with little effort.
Tom Homan, the chief mascot of all things Homeland Security was brought in to put a stop to the inevitable Alien vs. Predators and sure enough, the aliens had laid a 2000 mile line of eggs along the border. Godzilla wasn't going to wait for whatever hatched from them and proceeded to stomp them all flat. But the giant enraged lizard wasn't just focused on the border, Godzilla had other plans.
Heading East on injured feet with acidic blood stains and toe-hugging facehuggers attached, he was done with the Taco Bell Monsters. Homan could not reign in the massive moving macha, and ordered the wall cops to stand down. They watched via satellite the creature head into the Atlantic Ocean after wrecking the Gulf of Pensacola. What Homan was left with was the aftermath. He wasn't thrilled about it, but he was signed on to clean it up.
U.S. Department of War v. Godzilla[edit | edit source]
Something must be done about this retarded lizard! This has gotten out of hand! It seems these were the usual sentiments in the towering headquarters of the Department of War. They were accurate sentiments, but everyone just went back to typing. That is until Godzilla approached and everyone felt tremors before even seeing the monster. The next thing anyone knew, an Acrobatic Ninja Pirate Jedi with miles of swagger and swashbuckling flair came onto the scene. It was Pete Hegseth, the Lord of the War Dance and Master Cowboy Braveheart.
As was reported earlier by Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the giant Japanese lizard was radioactive and ill-tempered. Hegseth followed the lightning rod shedding radiated scales to the beach over the mountains. Godzilla got wind of it, turned around and was determined to eliminate anyone trying to locate his secret hideaway. It wasn't Hegseth's wish to track the monster into any dark caves or dive into the depths of an ocean to secure intel on Godzilla, but he wasn't intimidated by the idea of doing any of that either.
Giving chase he ran into the footstep prints left behind, and hearing a sharp, high pitched roar which may have been a scream of shock and terror he knew that Godzilla spotted him. Tap dancing toward the advancing beast, he sidestepped and river danced his way past the stomping of those giant feet. Godzilla was super pissed.
Godzilla had a fight on his hands and it wasn't the usual Giant Spaghetti Monster, the Giant Enemy Crab, the Gargantuan Twins, or even the dreaded Giant Goldfish of Doom. It was a man with very strong arms and legs and one helluva dancer. Godzilla seethed with rage. This was not how it was supposed to be. He couldn't catch Hegseth and stomp on him. He was simply too fast. But that was Godzilla's problem with a lot of other opponents. When the monster tried to river stomp on Hegseth, exhaustion and frustration began to slow the towering reptilian down even more.
Sensing that Godzilla was ready to act all wounded and needed to escape into the sea to recharge, Hegseth then pulled out a lasso and tried to wrangle the retreating lizard at large. Only able to secure a toenail, Hegseth tried to bounce onto the scaly foot of the beast. Eventually having to let go since they were both headed to a giant power plant and it would have killed the brave leader of the Department of War. In a last ditch effort, as Godzilla smashed through power lines and knocked over utility poles and fried transformers, Hegseth stood on a nearby hilltop and used the exploding backdrop for his dance number finale. Naturally he won the dance off. Not necessarily beating Godzilla. But it was an awesome show.
U.S. Coast Guard v. Godzilla[edit | edit source]
The Coast Guard was made aware of the presence of a massive aquatic lizard last seen off the coast of Cape Cod, and promptly turned their boats around and headed to Hawaii. The crews that had come into contact with Godzilla previously already knew the drill. None of them were sticking around. The fact was, they were made aware of the thing. They were never ordered to actually do something about it. And the reason was simple. They could not do a damned thing. Declassified government protocols showed that when dealing with ancient beings from the depths of Japanese waters, that all hands be granted the ability to make a hasty getaway. And if they so wanted, to develop an attitude and start taking on bad habits and drug addiction, since that would be a thing the government could explain away and have their plausible deniability should the villagers start asking too many questions.
Further, the protocols even included a list of things that the Coast Guard could freely reject and assume doesn't exist, or pretend it never happened. Below is a list of things the Coast Guard does not have control over.
Moral of the Story[edit | edit source]
Never piss off lizards that stand over 9000 feet tall. If they are not 9000 feet tall, but over 500 feet tall, you should never try to make any sudden moves, or use mecha robotics against it. You should never leave little Japanese kids alone to talk to any offspring of these giant lizards, because sooner or later someone is going to bully them for talking to child-sized lizards and then the parent of the lizard hatchling will take offense that its scaly bundle of joy might be the target. Nevermind that it may kill the human kid, unless the baby lizard tries to adopt him or her. Then the menacing, towering reptilian will kick everyone's ass for the benefit of its little baby's human friend. This is the same, sad story with giant turtles, giant moths, abominable snowmen, King Kong even when it's King Kong Vs. Godzilla, and the giant Sharktopus.
