Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Build the Perfect Sandcastle (second opinion(Gerry said he'd do it on monday but, you know, whatever))
HowTo:Build the Perfect Sandcastle[edit source]
Yeah, I'd just like a second, more in depth opinion, from a different reviewer, please. And again I'm not listening to any whinging about the title. ~Orian57~ 
~Talk~ 
07:42 3 May 2009
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This article is under review by <font-weight:bold>Gerry Cheevers. Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!! |
| Humour: | 7.4 | average of humor scores
ok, you establish your direction: a narrative of how to build a sandcastle as told by a four year old. it works, but it's just the one sentence. i might add just a bit more to it, so it's a proper introduction.
this is some good stuff, i can see how you thought of it as some of your best. one concern i have is that the narration and the dialogue spoken by the narrator don't quite match up: it seems like the narrator's dialogue should be more juvenile. for example, 'Why are you pleased that God destroyed my castle!?' seems too complex for a four year old. other than that, this was good stuff.
again there's some great stuff here. the ice cream arc was really funny. the only thing i can think of to say is maybe to have a little more juvenile language interspaced with the dialogue. you do well with this in the first paragraph, with the run-on sentences and the easy words, but then the rest of the section is 90% dialogue. for example, 'he said in his warning voice' is begging for some sort of veiled reference to what comes next when the warning voice is not heeded.
this section is also good, but not as good as the previous two. the gold part was good, but this one just feels like a narrative instead of a funny narrative. i hate giving advice this generic, but i think you should try to inject more humor into this section, with a few more one-liners or such. although i'm probably just being picky as the rest is so good!
a good ending. how will he get through school indeed. without anything but the dialogue it gets a little confusing as to who is speaking towards the end, and that's readily fixable. overall a decent ending, nothing special but certainly acceptable. |
| Concept: | 9.5 | 5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody. i can imagine this being a very boring guide found on wikipedia.
4.5/5 points for execution. i really liked the juvenile tone, it was very believeable. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | the formatting was fine. the different fonts were slightly annoying but probably necessary for the amount of dialogue you had. you had too mnay redlinks, you should make them nice and blue. you also had the least amount of whitespace i've ever seen in an article possibly! |
| Images: | 9 | the images are really a strong point. i think the first and last ones could have better captions, but i see that they're the same so if you want to keep them as they are then that's fine. the other ones had really great captions, but i wonder if you could get a better image of a gold nugget. for some reason the black background makes this like like an asteroid, but maybe that's just me. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8.3 | averaged via magic, plus 0.075 points for linking to A wizard did it. |
| Final Score: | 41.2 | my preview button tells me that your score is 41.2. this is an excellent article, and i look forward to supporting it on VFH. it's very nearly there, the only changes i'd be so bold as to suggest are perhaps adding 2-3 sentences to the introduction, getting a good gold nugget image, and deredlinkifying. great job, and good luck! |
| Reviewer: | 15:19, 4 May 2009 (UTC) | |