UnScripts:Kick-Butt Shoujo!

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Kick-Butt Shoujo! is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions

EXT. SKYLINE. A lonesome masked figure stands over a skyscraper, looking down at the denizens below.

Girl's voice
Ever wondered why the gap exists between fiction and reality? Mind and matter? People sell dreams for a living, yet so few have what it takes to turn them into reality.

Masked figure approaches the ledge.

Girl's voice
I too was one of those commoners living an ordinary incomplete existence. But then something just clicked, you know. I saw myself not just as the sum of who I used to be, but who I could be. And that's what inspired me to finally take a leap of faith.

The masked figure jumps off the skyscraper, and plummets to the ground below. And he crashes headfirst into the concrete and dies on impact.

Girl's voice

Oh, that's not me by the way. I mean, just look at the lame costume on that guy! I have much better artistic taste. More importantly, I wasn't being literal when I said I'd take a leap of faith, okay? I mean hey, taking risks is great and all, but going against all common sense just leaves you as a lump of flesh on the asphalt. But hey, maybe this fella's finally been released from The Matrix and is a freer man than the rest of us, what the fuck do I know?

Oh, and as for who I really am, the name is Shizuka Kinomoto. I was just a typical Japanese high-schooler who definitely did not harbor any delusions of being able to fly. No, I was just a simple girl going about her simple life, and the only truly remarkable thing about me was just how obsessed I was with superheroes. And magical girls. And dreams of being a supernaturally powered hero of justice. But as I just said, those dreams would take some time to become reality.

EXT. SCHOOL. Shizuka meets some other girls as the crowd heads over to class.

Shizuka
I attended my classes during the day, chatted up with friends during the afternoon.
Shizuka's friends
Hey there! God, that lecture was such a bore!
Shizuka
And fantasized about guys I'd never have as partners in any kind of romantic sense.
Delinquent with "Let's F*ck" written on his shirt
Hey!
Shizuka
(blushing)
Um...yes?
Delinquent
Hey, Nakao! Where you been man?
Shizuka
Oh...
Narration
And so my ordinary life went on, even as my subconscious desire to transition to the realm of the extraordinary would pop up every now and then.
Shizuka
Um...why don't people try to be superheroes in reality?
Tomoe
(she's one of her friends)
Because it's not possible. I mean, no one has powers like Superman, you know.
Shizuka
But Batman doesn't have any superpowers.
Saotome
(also a friend)
And Batman is crazy rich, and uses technology that does not exist. I'm an heiress to the Saotome Group, and we invest a lot in tech, so I do mean that the technology literally does not exist.
Shizuka
I don't know. Maybe the real reason is that people are just afraid...
Tomoe
Oh, well feel free to try being a hero yourself. We both know how much you loved roleplaying as a magical girl in middle school.
Saotome
Yeah, it's your funeral.
Narration
They scoffed at my questions, as I expected they would, but then we got accosted in the alleyway down from the coffee shop as we always do.
Japanese gangster 1
Pardon the intrusion, lovely ladies, but could you please SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAND OVER YOUR FUCKING WALLETS!!!!
Japanese gangster 2
Yes, we understand how troublesome this must be, SO STOP WASTING OUR TIME AND FUCKING LISTEN BEFORE WE FUCK YOU UP BITCHES!!!!
Tomoe
(hands over money)
Ugh, here we go again. You know, you guys are loopy and bipolar even by our country's standards.
Japanese gangster 1
(bows)
Ah, do forgive us for our impertinence AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT MOUTH OF YOURS!
Saotome
Hey, bystander-san! We're being mugged!
Bystander-san
That is so unfortunate. But it can't be helped.
Saotome
But...
Bystander-san
I SAID IT CAN'T BE HELPED! (runs away)
Narration
Too many people like to think of themselves as do-gooders, but fail to step up when there is a true person in need before them? I couldn't help but wonder if there was anyone who truly had what it took to fight back.

MEANWHILE, at some skate park somewhere, a girl is pointing her gun at a guy.

Girl
You sure you're ready.
Guy
You're goddamn right I am! Fucking pull the trigger already!
Girl
I mean, seriously, you shouldn't be taking this lightly. I mean, getting hit by a bullet is something you'd normally want to avoid, because you don't want to die, you know.
Guy
I said I'm ready, so cut the lecture and shoot me already!
Girl
Very well.

The girl fires the gun, which hits the guy square in the chest. He staggers backwards, seemingly winces but quickly conceals the pain on his face.

Girl
Alright, let me take a look.
Guy
It's alright. I'm not bleeding.
Girl
I just want to make sure.
Guy
Yeah, well you won't get the time to make sure when we're in an actual gunfight.
Girl
(irritated)
Enough of this crap, okay little brother?
Guy
What?
Girl
You think you're being so dedicated don't you, acting like you don't care whether you live or die? Well, I care, so just drop the fucking bravado!
Guy
It isn't bravado! It's pragmatism.
Girl
Oh, just shut up.

The girl walks over to the guy and checks the bulletproof vest he was wearing. Two bullets are embedded in it.

Girl
Good. Looks like you really weren't bleeding after all. But if you get careless when the chips are really down, I won't forgive you.
Guy
All I care about is seeing everyone on the Ashikasa Zaibatsu dead. You yourself told me how they ruined us, didn't you?!
Girl
Yes, but I never said I waned you to die for all this. We're going to destroy those people, and ONLY those people. Anything more than that would be a failure on my part.
Guy
(smirks)
You're hopeless, you know that, sis?
Narration
Ruined lives, unsettled debts, a deep unbearable pain. These are the kinds of motivations a hero would need to drive them forward. I, of course, had none of them. I did lose my mother, because of a freak accident involving the dishwasher. My father was an upstanding citizen who took care of me just fine. And that's about it, really.
Tomoe
"The Ashikasa Zaibatsu reports second consecutive year of record growth." Well, these are some fascinating people aren't they? And look at the CEO, isn't she a catch. (blushing) Not that I swing that way or anything.
Saotome
Oh, the Ashikasa. I've heard a ton of shady rumors about those people. Apparently, they're the descendants of war criminals, like Nanking war criminals.
Shizuka
Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything, does it?
Saotome
Well, they have been said to engage in drug trafficking, arms dealings, extortion and all that. So, not as bad as their ancestors, but still pretty criminal.
Tomoe
Hey, look over there!

A beautiful young girl with a dignified, ladylike aura enters the manga cafe where they're all sitting.

Tomoe
That's Hime Ashikasa. Holy crap she's an even better catch than her mom! If only I could talk to her!
Saotome
Yeah, I mean, knowing someone with criminal connections could serve to open up a number of opportunities for us. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but you do need to be practical about life.
Shizuka
Oh knock it off, you two. She's just a girl who came in. Go ahead and talk to her if you want.
Tomoe
Well, why don't you go?
Saotome
Yeah, you go. Please?
Shizuka
Fine.

Shizuka walks over to Hime.

Shizuka
Um, hello, nice to meet you! My name is Shizuka Kinomoto!
Hime
(smiling)
Oh, nice to meet you too! I'm Hime Ashikasa, and-

Rowdy henchman butts in.

Henchman
And I want you to leave.
Hime
Oh, come on! Can't I just-
Henchman
No you can't Hime, the Zaibatsu code forbids it, and you're being a dishonorable little cunt right now, and FUCK OFF ALREADY SHIZUKA!

Shizuka scurries off.

Tomoe
Well, that escalated quickly.
Saotome
I take back what I said. The Ashikasas are just stir-crazy.

MEANWHILE, at an Ashikasa warehouse.

Makise Ashikasa
So that's where the shipment went? A bunch of masked vigilantes took it?
Drug dealer
Yes, I swear I'm telling the truth, please don't hurt me!
Makise
(smiles)
Hey, relax! I believe you! I mean, this is the fifth one to be attacked this month, and your story checks out with the rest!
Drug dealer
Oh?
Makise
Yeah, I mean you did kind of slip up so (grabs baton and hits him in the crotch) I got to punish you a little bit, but you're free to go now.
Drug dealer
GYAAAH-thank you-AAAAH!

The phone rings.

Makise
(answers)
Yes? Oh, Hime, what's wrong? Oh, your bodyguard threw a tantrum? Okay, yes I'll handle him, you won't have to go with him any longer. Yes, of course you can go and make friends, that Zaibatsu code stuff was bullshit. I don't know, it's probably my cousin being a traditionalist again. Look, I'll make it up to you, alright? We'll watch a movie tonight, just the two of us.

Makise hangs up her phone.

Makise
Hey, why're you still here? I told you you're free to go, right?
Drug dealer
My dick's still sore.

Makise rolls her eyes and leaves.