UnPoetia:An Atheist's Eulogy

Poetry for people who hate poetry

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

~ Mark Twain on death

Oh, vast and uncaring universe,

we are gathered here today, under the apathetic eye

of no god

to remember the man who lays within this urn before us

in body only.

His lack of soul has gone nowhere.

not to a heaven, nor a hell

not to the places that his many theist friends, family and coworkers

insist that they'll go to when they die,

in a foolish, vain, and ultimately fruitless

attempt to avoid the inevitable.

"No!" he said, "Instead when I pass, I shall surely be gone from this world

and will move to no world, but instead will fertilize the prize roses of my prize, my wife, Rose."

His will be done, as when this secular funeral comes to a close,

his ashes will be scattered among those very roses,

here behind me

where the fine dust of the ash will clog the plants' stomatal pores,

and will, until the first rain, block the light of the sun

and they shall win no prizes this year

in memory of the fallen.

Some would say that his lack of faith lead him to damnation

but I say, "Nay!"

as his choice of 'None' for religion

did not prevent him from being a good husband

nor did it stop him from raising two beautiful children.

His no-god did not prevent him from healthy sexual relations with this loving, lovely, and loved wife.

nor did it stop them from regularily enjoying the mingling and co-mingling of their two bodies

nor did it prevent the darkened fumbling, the occasional failure and the cursing before, during, and after

nor his too-quietly mumbled apologies and his yearning to stumble quickly down to the kitchen

to make a sandwich.

The God that does not look down on us from Heaven

did not look down at them and see the spooning that took place afterwards

nor the whispered conversation about the time they took a trip to Wine Country

and, with no reservations about religion,

and none at the hotel, as well,

didst sleep in the car

under the starry sky.

Rejoice, he is not roasting in Hell for all eternity

for touching himself in places that no-God, in His unfinite wisdom

did let evolution adapt and improve

and did boldly rise up from that first primordial doodle

for, truly, the only sin in one's doodle is the misuse, or abuse

of that most Earthly appendage

and if the punishment fits the crime

then his lack of earthly crimes must justly lead to no punishment.

So, fellow atheists, agnostics and deists.

let us not mourn his passing

let us, instead, remember that his lack of a soul

inhibits us, not in the least

from remembering him,

and his deeds

until we too rejoin the great nothing of eternity,

from whence we came.

Featured Article (read another featured article)

Featured version: 27 September 2009

This article has been featured on the front page. You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.Template:FA/27 September 2009Template:FA/2009Template:FQ/27 September 2009Template:FQ/2009