UnNews:Sun rising in Longyearbyen for the first time in 4 months
Monday, February 15, 2021
As the coronavirus numbers rose across the world in the Northern Hemisphere in October, the sun was scared. It began to turn around south at a quick rate as it was afraid of catching COVID-19. Unfortionately, at 12:31pm local time on October 26, 2020(which is 10:31 UTC), the sun got too scared and flew to south of 12°S, which denied Longyearbyen in Norway. Stuck in twilight, the sun started out almost barely missing the surface. But on December 21, when the sun was so scared it was at 23.5°S, the southernmost it has ever gotten, the sun was not even within 12° of the surface. From November 18 to January 21, Barrow was in this hellhold as well, till the Sun was brave enough to get to 18°S, to insolate Barrow. And now it is brave enough to cross 12°S as well, which will finally insolate Longyearbyen.
“It's sooooooooooooooooooooo close. Just a few more days!”
Longyearbyen will throw parties, because, at 11:42 am on February 15(10:42 UTC), the sun will be brave enough to come out. But because of the huge stretch, it will barely scrape above the surface, and only last for an hour as the longitudes have to exactly fuckin line up. It will end just an hour later, at 12:42 pm(11:42 UTC), before the Americans can even celebrate. Remember that even New York is 6 hours behind, and will still be asleep. And imagine California!
And they needed it. Because there butts have been frozen for four months.
Now, one may ask, why does the sun need to be north of 12°S for it to rise? Someone dumb decided the Sun can only shine within 90° of where it's overhead. If it's south of 12°, due to Longyearbyen being 78°N, it can't fucking rise! Now, on the winter solstice, this happens for everyone above 66.5°N, but as it braves the outside world it gets better. But it moves so slowly. And it has this excuse every year. Last year it was to get away from Trump and the impeachment trial. The year before that, it was to get away from the turmoil caused by Hurricane Michael. The sun actually has this weird bias to the Northern Hemisphere, which the Southern Hemisphere doesn't like. But no one lives in Antarctica. The Arctic Circle has people. 4 million of them. So they say it is overrated. They scream to the sun, every year, "WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED TO GIVE 24 HOURS OF DAYLIGHT TO NERDS IN THE SOUTH POLE!!!!!) It says "TO INSOLATE THE PEOPLE WITH 90° IN SOUTHEAST ASIA AND BRAZIL AND WEIRDOS IN SOUTHERN AFRICA!!!!!!!"
- Time and Date "Sunrise and sunset times in Longyearbyen, Norway" ',