UnNews:Spain wins Hatsune Miku's custody in football World Cup match
Sunday, July 20, 2026
The 2026 FIFA World Cup has used an unusual prize for its latest match: namely, the custody of local Vocaloid heart-throb Hatsune Miku. It all started with Brazil's match against Japan, where Brazil simply outwitted Japan by scoring goals when the Japanese players weren't looking.
"Seriously, what the hell is a Hat-sunny Meek-Mill? I'm totally not amused by some animated singing girl as a prize; we just want to win America a World Cup for once and totally not for the ego of our Orange-Man-in-Chief," commented USA goaltender Matt Freese shortly before the US's match against Belgium. Unfortunately for Freese, he got distracted by an opposing fan displaying a giant banner of Miku in the stands, allowing perhaps the easiest goal in FIFA history en route to an embarrassing elimination loss for America.
President Donald Trump responded to the Miku-caused loss not only by turning even more orange and increasing tariffs on Belgian chocolate, waffles, and beer, but also by blaming the "nasty, terroristic Japanese" for inventing Hatsune Miku in the first place and "bombing dah hell outta dah Islamic Republic of Japan-- oops, I mean the Islamic Republic of Iran.
Trump said in a statement:
"Oh, shit, did I bomb Iran again? Damn, oil prices are gonna go up, up, up again. Not good!"
Spanish reserve player Ferran Torres, apparently the biggest Hatsune Miku fan in the tournament, pressured his teammates to play harder, but with the ulterior motive of winning the affections of his virtual idol. Thus, the Spaniards upset Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal, and blew right past the French. Dying to prove his love for Hatsune Miku, Torres pestered his Sean Connery-lookalike coach into subbing him in against Lionel Messi, the biased referees, and Argentina in the finals.
Once he entered the match, Torres broke Messi's ankles, stole a pass, and scored the improbable game-winning goal in extra time, causing Argentine players to flip out. Argentine midfielder Enzo Fernández, another Miku fan, suffered a meltdown on the field and tried to slide-tackle Torres, only to fuck up another Spanish player[1] and earn himself a red card.
"Eh, I just-ah juan-ted to-ah prove mí love for Hatsune Miku! No wait I mean the people of España - so I ah played so hard given the chance. ¡Te amó, Hatsune Miko!" explained Torres in his post-game interview.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ and no, not one of those FIFA flops either; he actually fucked that player up real bad. Did you see how many times he spun in the air??
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Tom Tapp "Spain Wins The 2026 World Cup 1-0, Punishing Argentina With 20 Shots On Goal" Deadline, July 19, 2026
- Si Jia "FIFA World Cup 2026 Turns Hatsune Miku Viral, Brings Football And Anime Fans Together" Geek Culture, July 7, 2026
