UnNews:Social Security retires at 91, looking forward to collecting Social Security checks
23 August 2026
WASHINGTON DC—Capping off a long and relatively healthy lifetime of service to the United States Federal Government, Social Security formally announced this morning that it has officially retired, kicked up its heels, and settled down in its favorite rocking chair to enjoy what little money it has remaining in its meager and nearly depleted coffers, all the while collecting Social Security benefits. And just in the nick of time, too.
It is no secret that Social Security simply cannot and will not survive if nothing ever changes. Fortunately, because Social Security has, (effective as of today) taken the wise and preemptive action to retire prematurely, its current and ongoing insolvency crisis will be substantially mitigated by two (2) simultaneous factors:
- A: no longer being required to disburse hundreds of millions of its own Social Security checks to hundreds of millions of elderly and retired starving Americans and hundreds of millions of youthful and unemployed starving Americans, and
- B: commencing the receiving of recurring checks direct from the U.S. Treasury Department to the tune of $533.7 billion dollars per month.
This regularly renewing and COLA-adjusted stipend will, hopefully, allow Social Security to keep paying down the overdue rent on its grubby little one-room apartment, meet its day-to-day kitchen expenses, and perhaps occasionally eat out or buy birthday gifts for its favorite grandson, all with the semblance of the least bit of human dignity.
Now that Social Security has laid down its one (and one only) principle obligation, it is suddenly freed up to focus on the truly important things in life, namely, its own personal welfare and personal enjoyment. Indeed, Social Security may actually thrive for at least another 5 to 10 years before being forced to resort to truly humiliating forms of public assistance, or even tightening its belt a bit further. However, yet another unavoidable crisis looms like a scary metaphor on the hazy horizon that may ultimately threaten Social Security's social security slightly further down the road. Professional future-event gamblers have reliably projected that within the next 20 years every one of Social Security's supplementary medical assistance siblings (birthed, nursed, and brought to full maturity by President FDR during the turbulent and nostalgic 30s) will either likely have all succumbed to natural causes themselves or be convicted of and sentenced to life in prison for fraudulent and wasteful abuse. Even with its $BILLIONS in guaranteed retirement benefits, how Social Security would be able to even remotely afford TRILLIONS in sky-high medical insurance premiums and still have enough food to put on the table is a bridge too far that may have to be contemplated, crossed, and/or burnt a good deal sooner than reasonably anticipated.