UnNews:Single guy gets a tax cut, says he'll spend it on porn
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 November 2007
INSIDE DICK CHENEYS SAFE, United States - In a stunning move certain to enrage the country's breeders, a recalcitrant U.S. Congress today showed Bush that they're not playing games, by doing the unthinkable - passing a tax cut for a single guy in Des Moines, Iowa. "We wanted to show Bush that we have a new vision for America, an America where single guys like Joe don't even need to knock up a chick to get a break," said a defiant Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Asked why the move only applied to Joe Hermann, a 38 year-old grocery store sacker who lives with his parents, Pelosi said that it was important, "to work within the framework of the possible," and that a more inclusive tax cut, "just wasn't on the table".
Confirming critics' worst fears, when asked what he would do with the extra $8.74 per week, Hermann replied that he would buy a subscription to "Girls get crazy," saying, "that shit's pretty expensive." It appears that up until the relief announced by Congress today, Joe has been forced to wank it to an old copy of Playboy he sneaks out of his dad's study. "I wasn't really into it anymore," CNN quoted him as saying, adding that, "[the issue of Playboy] has seen its better days."
Republican sources characterized the move as "partisan politics as usual," saying that Democrats didn't even know anything about the man, and that it was even possible he was an illegal immigrant. "This is a slippery slope. What's next, a tax cut for poor people in general? At this rate, pretty soon they'll have their own yachts, and won't be available to scrub the toilets in mine!," said a top administration official, who wished to remain anonymous.
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- GW Bush "I'll take one of those uh, french ticklers, there... heh heh" Intelligent Guy Quarterly, November 4, 2007