UnNews:Researchers discover that the song, "All You Need is Love" may in fact be false.

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21 January 2009

Liars...every last goddamn one of em...

Back in the old days, people were ready to believe in anything. Alien invasions were taken literally, people followed anything the "picture box" said, and to this day, many legends persist. One such legend was the legend started by a popular band called, "The Beatles." This group told every one that all they need is love in a song fittingly titled "All You Need is Love." Many people to this day have taken it quite literally while others have their doubts. In response, after many years of uncertainty, researchers have looked into what it exactly is that humans actually need.

They started in the field, observing people who were in a poor state of being, yet managed to survive. The homeless were the first ones observed. An on-the-field reporter came back with the following report:

"Well, I stalked a homeless man for the past few days and recorded everything he did. He ate very little, the bare minimum, and had excessive amounts of cheap alcohol. Throughout this trip, I witnessed no love making, but I did see him whack off to a dead bird, and bring a stray dog behind an alleyway. It would seem like he didn't need love at all, but then I remembered, homeless don't have souls, so it was pointless to research this and another specimen should be observed before any further conclusions are made."

If the homeless have found a way to survive without love, it would then be apparent that one doesn't need love to live. The question then arises, what is it then that humans need? Researchers have spent a few weeks looking for the answer to the mind boggling question, did human testing, and even killed a few people, but we now have answers:

Researchers have also found that a head is vital for life.

"Well, although we dove into questions such as, "What else do humans need to live?", we still kept to our original research of the validity of the song, "All You Need is Love." We conducted a series of human testing experiments. Each time, we kept from them a desired substance. The first, we denied food, but gave water and many women for love making. He unexpectedly died from causes unknown. The second we denied water, but fed and gave women for love making. He also unexpectedly died. Third, we gave a man food and water, but no women. He choked on his food and died. Finally, we cut a man's head off. Shock filled the room as another shockingly surprising death had taken place. What are our conclusions? At the moment we only have speculations, but you DO need love, but not only love. You also need food, water, and a head. The song proves to be false."

The results raised chaos. The globe is sueing The Beatles for a million billion dollars. The Beatles have refused to pay, and many people are becoming very upset. They don't seem to notice that most of the members of the band are dead. Although most people have rushed upon assumptions, this research is still unfinished, and is receiving alot of attention. Updates will be reported hourly.