UnNews:New study shows that 50% of Americans disagree with the other 50% of Americans
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 September 2007
A new study released just recently reveals that exactly one half of America dislikes the other half of America. The poll was conducted by the American Poll Society, and reveals just how much anger there is in this country. Nobody knows exactly why one half of America hates the rest, but there is some speculation. "It is possible that all of this anger is caused because one half of America almost always gets the bottom of the pie chart." says American unrest analyst Derek Peterson. For over 75 years, Americans have been split 50/50 on many issues such as the price of ketchup, the voting age, and even if re-gifting is a good idea.
The anger and hostility between the two halves has grown increasingly after one half of Americans published a magazine entitled "Better Half Magazine" which is filled with unfair jabs at the other half of Americans. One such comment is "They deserve the bottom of pie charts because they are a lower lesser people. Me and 49.999999999999999999999% of Americans agree that the lower half should just be removed because all of their ideas are wrong." The article goes on to state that the 2000 presidential election was a tie and that half of America used an extra vote. A half vs half protest was held in Washington DC yesterday where several hundred Americans protested the hatred and hostility between the two halves by holding hands and blocking traffic, and I couldn't get to work because of that shit. One man was quoted as saying "don't you understand? We're all Americans and we should get along, so what if we disagree? I think we should all embrace each other as brothers, because that's what we are." This protest caused a strange unison of all Americans agreeing that that protest was full of stupid hippies that should cut their hair and get jobs.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Why the better half is right, and why the lower half isn't.
"Half of Americans are idiots" Better Half Magazine, September 10, 2007