UnNews:New York magician David Blaine to be filled with custard and fired into space

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 April 2006

David Blaine is sucking all the juices from your brain using just his eyes

New York: Magician David Blaine has announced plans to be filled with custard, emptied, filled again, steamed gently, covered in turmeric, turned around and around until he is really dizzy, set loose in traffic, hunted by dogs, thrown off a cliff, hauled aboard a nuclear submarine, left on a desert island for 6 years and then fired into space wearing only socks and a glove.

Once in space, he will unfurl a huge banner with a special message for the whole world. According to press reports, it will be a message of love, forgiveness and advice for humanity. Shortly afterwards, according to Blaine, all war will end. Then the Pope, realising that he is beaten, will put Blaine in charge of everything. Blaine, 33, says that he will run things from a specially built space station, but adds that he intends to leave routine tasks such as parking and making sandwiches to ordinary officials.

Blaine's spokesman, Pat Smith, says that the mysterious mumbling one has spent six months practicing for the stunt in the Cayman Islands. When pressed to release more details, Mr. Smith would only say that Blaine had been running around in traffic a lot and that he was on a special diet of acorns.