UnNews:Man shoots elderly woman outside video game store, recieves free copy of new Grand Theft Auto

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30 April 2008

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- 23-year-old video game fan Jim Aspin was given a free copy of the brand new Grand Theft Auto game today after impressing store owners by shooting an old woman in the street.

Aspin was walking down the street when he saw the old woman walking her poodle and decided to shoot her. He pulled out the machine gun that came free with his purchase of Halo 2 and shot her several dozen times.

"Naturally, I was shocked," says the owner of the video game store next to the site of the shooting, "How could anyone pull off such an awesome kill in broad daylight? I was very impressed. There had to be some way to reward this fine young man, who was obviously quite skilled."

Ultimately, the game store owners ran out to Jim, cheering, and gave him a free copy of the latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto series. "That was one of the better kills I've seen in my time here, and I'm watching them whenever I'm not drinking beer or raping people!" yelled the store's manager. "The only way it would have been more impressive would be if blood had spattered the store windows. That happens in the video game all the time. It's friggin' awesome."

Aspin was honored to achieve this award. "I wish they could've given me a gift card instead. I suppose I could shoot another old person for it if I really wanted to. I'm out of ammunition though--I'll have to pick up some more next time they have a sale at Toys 'R Us. But for now, I'm gonna play Grand Theft Auto for the next eight days straight, without sleeping, eating, or pausing to feed my cat. After all, I've earned the game time. I did shoot that old woman pretty magnificently." When asked if he knew the old woman, Aspin said: "Eh, marginally. She was my mother."

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