UnNews:Europe melts into pile of goo
24 June 2026
The European continent has today melted into a pile of goo, completely dissolving under the weight of its own greenwashing policies. We've all poured billions into windmills, solar panels and EV mandates, while running to countries like Norway for our energy because we've banned ourselves from using our own, which has caused power cuts and made everybody even hotter, because now we have to import oil from elsewhere which doubles emissions levels, which killed the cat which ate the rat which lived in the house that some sod built in 1865.
France has turned into a particularly gooey spectacle, with Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron making an address with half his face melted off and the Pantheon reverting back to its original wet concrete form. It's a total disaster. In England, bulletins are going out warning drivers not to use their cars, as the tarmac is becoming sticky and delicious, like liquorice.
We're all very delirious from the heat. Help us.
We are so hot that we can't even finish our articles properly.
HyYeuuhHnnngggh
I love you.
Wha?
Sources[edit | edit source]
- BBC "Hottest June day on record as temperatures soar to 36.1C in Hampshire" ', 24th June, 2026
- The Guardian "UK records its hottest June day, beating highs from 1957 and 1976" ', 24th June, 2026