UnNews:Dick Van Dyke mistaken for David Letterman

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Dck Van Dyke celebrating his 100th birthday.

Beloved centenarian and national treasure Dick Van Dyke was approached by a "fan" at a farmer's market back in December, just days after turning 100.

"'You're an unfunny asshole and your Top Ten List sucks,'" the beloved entertainer recalls the man saying. "I didn't know what in God's name he was talking about. He went on, complaining that 'Paul Shaffer is lame, Biff Henderson isn't funny,' and that 'Leno is funnier.' Then it dawned on me!"

Van Dyke had been mistaken for David Letterman.

"I don't think Dave and I look much alike, to be honest with you," Van Dyke says. "We both have white hair and beards, we're both old, white guys. We've both been on television longer than you've been alive. By the time Dave was born, I was old enough to drink. By the time he got his first talk show in 1980, I had about four TV shows under my belt."

"You know, it's funny," Van Dyke adds, "I remember how beloved Dave was in his younger years. When NBC screwed him out of The Tonight Show, his rivalry with Leno, his heart surgery, that time Richard Simmons dressed up as a turkey, that time Regis dressed up as Shrek, and finally his retirement in 2015. My god, has it been that long already? You know, the guy was probably just a troll. I wish him well."

Letterman, when he received the news, was bewildered. "Wow, honest to God, Paul, I need to start wearing a nametag. Some yahoo can't tell me and Dick Van Dyke apart? I mean, I love Dick. He's a national treasure. I'm not. I'm a bum. Only PF4Eva has ever watched my Netflix talk show."

Letterman then proceeded to read off the Top Ten DIfferences Between Dick Van Dyke and David Letterman.

10. Rob Petrie was married to Mary Tyler Moore. I was married to Paul Shaffer.

9. Dick Van Dyke was in Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang. When I thought a joke sucked, I chitty, chitty banged the desk.

8. Dick Van Dyke has a better Cockney accent than I do.

7. My greatest cinematic achievement was trying to sell a duck to Chris Elliott.

6. A vandyke is a bird. I'm some asshole jock's high school varsity jacket.

5. Dick Van Dyke doesn't have an enormous chin-- Oh, wait, that's Leno

4. Dick Van Dyke lowered his pants to impersonate a penguin. Me? Pants are optional.

3. Dick Van Dyke was on the air for five years. I was on the air so long that CBS forgot to fire me.

2. I have a talk show on Netflix. Dick Van Dyke can't remember his password.

1. Dick Van Dyke is actually funny.

Sources

• Sydney Bucksbaum "David Letterman says he was mistaken for Dick Van Dyke: 'Now I have to wear a name tag'" Entertainment Weekly, December 11, 2025