UnNews:Bush announces strategy shift for War on Terror: U.S. to bomb all hospitals and medical schools
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 July 2007
By Joey Bagodonuts, UnNews War On Terror Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President George W. Bush announced sweeping changes in the U.S. global strategy for the War on Terror, in a special televised address to the nation on the night of the July 4th national holiday.
Bush said his new strategy came after intense closed-sessions consultations with Barney and Miss Beazleyand after recent revelations that suspects linked to the failed car bombings in UK are doctors.
“Doctors are bloodthirsty murderers”
Speaking from the Oval Office, Bush said it is evident from the failed bombing plots in UK that “most, if not all” doctors and health care professionals are radical Islamic terrorists. “In our efforts to track down the faceless enemy in the War on Terror, we have over the years spent billions of dollars on domestic wiretapping programs, racial profiling of men with lots of facial hair, and even went as far as pretending to like moderate muslims who may be potential informants. Today, it gives me great pleasure to say that we can all stop pretending. The true identity of the enemy has been revealed -- their veil has been lifted. We know who these murderous terrorists are and they are our doctors,” said Bush with much conviction.
Second most significant breakthrough
Senior members of the Bush administration hailed this discovery as the second most significant intelligence breakthrough in the entire history of the War on Terror (the first most significant breakthrough discovery was that John Edwards spent $1000 on his haircut). “Those tea-sipping blokes at Scotland Yard really did a good job by nailing down exactly who the terrorists are and where they are hiding,” said one official speaking on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to speak to the media, but told me nonetheless because I slept with know her.
“Hospitals are safehouses”
In light of this discovery, Bush has ordered the U.S. military to shift the entire focus of their anti-terror operations. “I have informed my military commanders to forget about locating suspected Taliban hideouts or guessing the whereabouts of the next al-Qaeda safe house in Iraq. The CIA has informed me that all hospitals are actually safehouses for these evil Islamic fascists. We now know exactly where they are hiding, it is time to act swiftly and secure the victory for the War on Terror, once and for all. I have authorized my military commanders to initiate massive concentrated ground and air campaigns against all hospitals,” said Bush with a grin on his face.
Bush later added that it is now clear that medical schools serve as al-Qaeda training camps while local neighborhood clinics are recruiting centers for aspiring terrorists. Mobile medical clinics which supposedly serve the poor in developing countries are actually the most versatile and effective recruiting centers, reaching remote regions of the world to “spread their ideology of hate.” “We’ve all been fooled by those murderers. Now it’s time to bomb the hell out of them,” reiterated Bush.
Hospital patients
Bush said that he understands how some Americans may be uncomfortable with the indiscriminate shelling of hospitals because innocent patients will be killed in the process. He stressed that there is no room for neutrality in the war against terrorism, saying, "You're either with us or against us in the fight against terror." He said that the sick or elderly who visit doctors regularly are culpable in their actions and will be viewed as traitors enemy non-combatants.
Press conference by U.S. military
After the televised address, senior military commanders held a brief press conference where they confirmed that the bombing campaigns will target all hospitals, clinics and medical schools on Earth. “We will not rest until every single hospital and medical school on the face of this planet has been vaporized and every single doctor has been killed,” said CENTCOM commander Admiral William Fallon.
U.S. nuclear submarines will also be deployed to sink military hospital ships owned by foreign governments. When asked whether nuclear weapons will be used to neutralize the largest hospital complexes such as the Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Admiral Fallon replied, "The President wants to keep all options on the table, including the opportunity to have a hot threesome with Laura and Condi." When pressed about the issue of state sovereignty and probable retaliations by the Russians or Chinese if their hospitals are attacked, the military commanders told the journalists to “go suck our chocolate salty balls”. (At press time, UnNews has not been able to verify if any journalist took on the commanders’ challenge.)
Doctors Without Borders
The commanders also announced that U.S. special forces aided by unmanned drones will covertly hunt down and demolish any mobile medical clinic or field hospital (much like how mobile Iraqi SCUD launchers were pursued during the Gulf War) (See photo).
Nonetheless, the commanders emphasized that the topmost priority for the Green Berets and Navy SEALS is to dismantle Médecins Sans Frontières (or Doctors Without Borders), an Islamic terrorist front organization which the U.S. now know provided the key logistics for the Sept 11th attacks. “These guys are the most stealthy jihadists, brazenly moving from one country to another unchallenged as if state borders do not exist,” said General John Abizaid. “And that’s why the President said we must prevail, and that's why we must win. Hooah!!!”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Joey Bagodonuts "Terror plot: Why would doctors be involved?" The Seattle Times, July 4, 2007
- Ivana Humpalott "Terror suspects all linked to NHS" BBC, July 3, 2007
- Andy Watchamacallit "Diverse group allegedly in British plot" AP, July 3, 2007
- Craven Ho "Bush: 'We need to change our strategy in Iraq'" CNN, May 26, 2006