Protected page

The things your family doesn't know

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The things your family doesn't know
A short story
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A house mother should always be certain that their kids leave with energy, healthy food in their tummy and a big bear hug.
B
reakfast was ready and the kids ran into the kitchen. They hugged their mother and sat down at the old oak table to light porridge with broiled brown sugar glaze, big wild-berry American pancakes with a light chocolate sauce and glasses of squeezed tangerine juice. They ate slowly as their mother had taught them, appreciating every bite. She quizzed them on their lessons and pinched their blushing cheeks. Her husband came and ate his perfectly cooked bacon and sausages served with not one sublime poached egg but two with yolk oozing out of the luminous whites. He washed down his breakfast with some club soda flavoured with lemon zest and Splenda (he has a heart condition). Later she walked them to the door and wished her darlings a splenderiffic day. She lingered a while catching a glimpse of the sun shining over their cut lawn and retro mailbox.



S
he closed the door and walked into the kitchen while taking off her apron. By then her negro neighbour had already snuck into the house. As she entered the kitchen she was terribly startled. The negro grabbed her head and slammed it down on the table. She screamed out frantically. He yanked the table cloth and stuffed it in her mouth telling the bitch to shut the fuck up. He worked on her clothes, ripping them off as quickly as possible. She begged him, "No no no," as he violently jammed his giant black cock into her vagina. He thrashed the orifice jamming his penis in and out without lubrication. It felt like a blowtorch was flaming inside her burning her intestines and destroying her ovaries. He pulled his super long dick all the way out and then jammed it forcefully back into her vagina as deep as possible, almost perforating the walls of her uterus. He missed her vagina at some point and went hard up her ass, destroying her upper and lower sphincter muscles. He moved faster and faster while tears streamed down her face. He sped up like a race car, faster than a locomotive, all the while bruising his own cock for the lack of lubrication. It was like sandpaper, her vagina was that dry. He felt good and yelled out loud, "Fuck yeah bitch," a dozen times until he blew half his load deep into her vagina. He turned her around and blew the other half deep down her mouth coming into her oesophagus. He belched out a groan and told her she was now loaded with his man juice and to clean that shit up.
Preparing cucumber sandwiches shows your guest that you have the highest respect for them. Washing them down with copious cups of warm strong tea will warm up the body and the mind.



H
e slapped her face with the palms of his hands and squeezed her nipples until she screamed for mercy. He grabbed her face and pulled her lips towards his. She spat on him. Turned on by her friskiness he sucker-punched her face and she fell down onto the floor hitting her head on a chair. She passed out. She came to about twenty minutes later. Above her stood the negro with an evil smile ... laughing.



"T
hat was the best one yet Jamaal" she whispered. "You fucking right bitch ass hoe ... you gonna pay big bling fo' that ... dam slutty ass fool. Youz a cum suckin factory!" They both laughed house wife and black neighbour on welfare. She handed him $500 and pecked him on the cheek as he walked out the door. "Shiit youz nuts deeze white biatches ... wanna get all viomalated and then wants kissing" he gawked as he strutted away. She put rubbing alcohol on her vagina and anus and bit down on her hand as it stung her harshly for a couple minutes. She then bandaged her open wounds and threw her ripped clothes into the fireplace. After touching up her makeup she got tea ready just in time for her mother-in-law's visit.



S
he prepared a lovely Sri Lankan tea melange with some spices she found in a quaint stall near the fish market. The cookies were New England style made with whole wheat flower topped with Caribbean walnuts. She chattered about with her husband's mother rambling on about this and that. She always enjoyed those afternoons with her. They were both sweet ladies and had become very close friends. They looked forward to their Wednesday tea. After, she suggested they play a hand of cribbage on the patio but her mother-in-law had to go. Before leaving she insisted on helping her daughter-in-law clean up but, as usual, she would have none of that. She saw her to the door and waved her goodbye as she walked down the lane. She lingered at the door smiling as the ice-cream boy rode past in the middle of the road.



S
he went to the kitchen and took care of the dishes and wiped down the table. She went into the living room and opened a secret hole in a porcelain figurine of an old maiden. She pulled out a memory stick and placed it into the USB port on the television. She pulled out a large porcelain figurine of a clown and took out a prepared needle filled with very strong heroine and an elastic band. She held the syringe in her mouth as she tightened the band around her arm. She shot herself up in the usual spot and lay down on the ground just as the bestiality porn began.
The milkman is a positive presence in a house mom's life. They are smiley, bring the milk on time and chat for just the right amount of time. When she's not around he leaves the bottles on her door-step. Her kids love to eat the cream that floats to the top.



I
nstead of pleasuring her vagina she decided to pleasure her anus, putting pressure on it just when the scene of the donkey fucking a teenager came on. She put her hand deep up her anus. She pulled it out and desperately needed a better high. She smashed open the clown figurine and grabbed a couple poppers. She opened them and inhaled them deeply. She lubed up her hand and shoved it up her ass as deep as she could while the teenager was screaming as the donkey ravaged her orifices. She put her entire fist deep up her ass and screamed out loud in cosmic bliss as she orgasmed squirting vagina juice all over the carpet. She then pulled her hand out and rubbed the lube and fecal matter and blood all over her breasts and tasted it to see how close to her intestines she got that time.



S
he took a long bath while listening to Mozart's early symphonies, lathering her skin with coconut lotion. She paused a moment as a clarinet played a solo during the slow section. She dipped her face under the water and let her hair soak a moment. She got out and dabbed herself with a towel and drew a little design on the steamed bathroom mirror. She walked downstairs in her bathrobe just when the milkman rang the door bell. They exchanged pleasantries and he came into the house bringing two milk bottles into the kitchen. She offered him a New England biscuit but he declined as usual. They chatted a little and she walked him to the door. Just before he was about to leave she wished him a good day and he smiled as he walked back to his truck. She lingered at the front door a moment smelling the air filled with the scent of burning leaves and the milkman's cologne.



S
he went to the kitchen and ironed her son's boy scout uniform. Just then there was an unexpected knock at the door. She went to the front entrance and said through the wooden door, "Who is it?" A lady replied, "Flower woman," and she sighed in relief opening up the door. The house mom showed the flower lady around the entire house except downstairs and asked her what kind of flowers would spruce up the various living spaces. The flower woman suggested roses and nothing but roses. The house wife was delighted by the suggestion and told her to go get fifty roses. Amazed by the profit she would make the flower lady ran to her van to grab fifty long-stem roses and some vases. The house wife then reflected on how the flower lady had overcharged her last time and got out a calculator to be sure the price she quoted was correct this time.
House moms absolutely adore roses – they just love them so much it's painful.



T
he flower lady carried the vases filled with roses into the living room. The house wife had just finished her calculations and discovered that the quoted price was ten cents more than it should have been. The house wife pulled out a handkerchief from a nearby drawer and opened a bottle of chloroform and soaked it into the cloth. She jammed it into the flower lady's face and caught her as she started to fall down. She dragged her down to the basement and tied her to a chair. She removed all the petals from the roses and braided the stems until it made one giant rope-like whip. Just when the woman regained consciousness the house wife whipped the flower lady's back as hard as she could. The thorns dug deep into her skin. The flower lady let out a scream so vicious it hurt the house wife's ears. She loved the sound of screaming women freshly tied up in the basement and felt like whipping the flower lady to smithereens. She whipped her in a tyrannical furry. The flower lady yelled out "Why? Why? Why me?" until her voice chords broke. The house wife didn't owe her any explanations. She whipped her soft and then hard, sometimes ten whippings per minute – other times a slow pause and then a sudden whip from out of nowhere. The flower lady lost all sense of time and hope. The house wife then put the rope down and started throwing flower petals into the air and watched as they floated down like cherry tree petals in August. They landed gently on the bleeding flower lady's body. The house mother told her to count backwards from ten and that it would all be over soon. The flower lady lost most of her blood within a minute and took her last breath. The house mother licked all the blood off the cleaning lady's body and ate the rose pedals. She threw the woman into the deep open fireplace on top of some human bones and added a gallon of gasoline. She took care of the mess on the concrete floor and drove the flower lady's truck into the river.
It takes only a little bit of extra work to make a dinner all that special. Even if it's just a light meal, your family appreciates all those nice little touches.



S
he was back an hour later. She put on fresh clothes and opened the door when her kids got home. She gave each kid a big kiss and told them how much she loved them. She wanted to hear everything about their school day. She welcomed her husband back home right before dinner and gave him a warm peck on the lips. The famished family sat around a lamb dinner which the house wife had left roasting in the oven during the afternoon. It was served with scalloped potatoes, a sweet gravy and butter scones. She watched her family as they chatted away and as her husband told funny stories about his day at the office. She smiled for a moment with a twinkle in her eye. She then scolded herself for forgetting to make a salad. She thought to herself, "Tomorrow I will have to make two salads." She then laughed at her husband's joke while stroking her daughter's blond hair.
Potatohead aqua.png
Featured version: 30 January 2013
This article has been featured on the front page. You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.Template:FA/30 January 2013Template:FA/2013Template:FQ/30 January 2013Template:FQ/2013