That time Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket and exclaimed "Fuck Bill Clinton!"

Justin Bieber.

That time Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket and exclaimed "Fuck Bill Clinton!" was a simpler time in America. The year was 2013. The month was July. Justin Bieber was still a teenager and commanded a modest non-militarized army of self-described "Beliebers." America, at the time, was best described as post-9/11 and pre-apocalpytic. Children played in the parks; dogs also played in the parks; cats were still particularly popular on Saturday. And Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket and exclaimed "Fuck Bill Clinton!"

Background

A mop bucket.

In July 2013, Justin Bieber had released his wildly successful album "Believe" about one year prior and was just wrapping production on his follow-up effort "Journals," an album presumably about the decline in the American manufacture and sale of leather-bound journals. Like many American college-age millennial teenagers, he was feeling the stress of adolescence; irritation that Facebook had just replaced his "Wall" with some sort of "Timeline"; worries about what the job market would hold for American adolescents his age; and uncertainty about the widespread NSA spying that had led to Edward Snowden fleeing the country a month prior. And so, like many American college-age millennial teenagers, he decided to blow off some steam by ingesting adult beverages, urinating in a mop bucket, and exclaiming "Fuck Bill Clinton!"

Media Reaction and Criticism

Bill Clinton.

Media reaction was swift. Every media outlet in the world quickly printed stories with headlines like "Justin Bieber Urinates in a Mop Bucket and Inexplicably Savages Bill Clinton" and "Is Justin Bieber Out of Control?" and "You Won't Believe What One Weird Trick Justin Bieber Used to Relieve Himself." To each of these headlines, the public nodded in unison and said "Yeah. I don't care."

Particular attention was focused on Bieber's criticism of former President Bill Clinton, the husband of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former lover of former Jenny Craig pitchwoman Monica Lewinsky. Why criticize Mr. Clinton? Why do it while urinating in a bucket intended to hold mop water? The media demanded answers, but given Bieber's public profile, few answers were immediately forthcoming.

Eventually, Bieber addressed the incident in a carefully prepared statement:

In life u will make mistakes and people will try and tear u down ... but u gotta stay positive. Stay strong ... and learn to be better and always live to serve others and The Lord. #growingeveryday. @billclinton thanks for taking the time to talk Mr. President. Your words meant alot. #greatguy.

Sadly, no transcript was ever made of the conversation that had apparently taken place between Mr. Bieber and Mr. Clinton, and thus an important piece of American history was lost forever. Despite indicating that he had apologized to Mr. Clinton directly for his savage attack on the former President's character, Bieber's explanation-free apology failed to satisfy the news media: TMZ went so far as to describe Mr. Bieber as "an oblivious, self-important little twit." Thus, three days later, Bieber issued a follow-up statement:

I regret my actions. I in no way intended to malign Mr. Clinton. By way of explaining my inexcusable behaviour, I was drunk. Had I seen a portrait of 1972 Nobel Prize recipient Christian B. Anfinsen, I would have exclaimed "Fuck 1972 Nobel Prize recipient Christian B. Anfinsen!" I was really just that drunk.

The estate of Dr. Anfinsen, best known for his work concerning the connection between the amino acid sequence and the biologically active conformation of ribonuclease, declined comment.

Several observers noted that Mr. Bieber had technically committed a crime by possessing alcohol despite being a teenager. However, no criminal inquest was organized, due to the fact that Bieber was both rich and caucasian.

Aftermath

Three years after the incident involving the mop bucket, in 2016, former President Clinton's wife won the Democratic nomination for the 2016 Presidential election. Unfortunately, she lost the election by negative three million votes and reportedly had particular difficulty with turnout amongst millennial Beliebers in Wisconsin and Michigan. However, correlation is not causation.

Six years after the incident wherein Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket and exclaimed "Fuck Bill Clinton," the government of the United States of America experienced a complete and irrevocable collapse, and the series of regional wars that would come to be known as the "American Succession Wars" would begin. Again, however, it is important to note that the connection between the American Succession Wars and the mop bucket incident is circumstantial at best and not recognized by most historians.