Ptilocerometamorphophreniomania by proxy
“You just can't know sometimes.”
– Klemens von Metternich, who suffered from PMPMBP
Ptilocerometamorphophreniomania by proxy (shortened PMPMBP) is a psychological disorder in which an individual fervently believes that their loved one (or, in rare cases, unloved one) is turning into a pen-tailed treeshrew.
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
PMPMBP causes one of two delusions:
- Another individual is actually a pen-tailed treeshrew.
- Another individual is in the process of becoming a pen-tailed treeshrew.
Whether or not those diagnosed with PMPMBP visually see the target as a pen-tailed treeshrew is unclear. Some individuals have claimed to see signs of physical transformation into the animal, but these cases have been written off as fabrications[1].
PMPMBP has also been known to cause:
- Sweating
- Anxiety
- Tax evasion
- Sudden-onset environmentalism
- Shift in social dynamics
- Death
- Confusion
- Anarcho-fascism
- Sudden interest in the Animorphs book series
- Loss of trust in/from other people
Prevalence[edit | edit source]
It is unknown precisely how many people suffer from Ptilocerometamorphophreniomania by proxy. Conservative estimates place it at 1.9 decillion.[2]
Treatment[edit | edit source]
There is no known treatment for PMPMBP. Some researchers have suggested hurling all pen-tailed treeshrews into the sun so that sufferers of PMPMBP can stop worrying.
Truth[edit | edit source]
There is no evidence that anybody has ever turned into a pen-tailed treeshrew. Such a belief is silly and fantastical. Except, maybe, whoever you are. Yes, I definitely think there's a soon-to-be-shrew reading this. It's undeniable. But not me, no sir, not me. It's you. You know who you are. I'm keeping my eye on you.
Famous people afflicted with PMPMBP[edit | edit source]
Individuals with PMPMBP include:
- Klemens von Metternich
- Gaius Rabirius
- Louis III of Châtillon
- Kermit Roosevelt
- Great Uncle Rubato
- James Buchanan
- Ms Sally (she used to change your diapers!)
- Cleopatra
