Portal:Analog

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Analog portal
Please keep the anal log jokes to a minimum.
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Stuff is the fundamental essence of the Universe. Stuff fills the the inside of the outer lining of the universe (technically known as the Spatial Attribute Container - Sac). Stuff is often considered to be an agglomeration of things but paradoxically a thing is also made of stuff. This paradox is known as the stuff-thing duality wotsit, whereby all matter appears as a thing if picked up but also as a collection of stuff when dropped hard enough. However, Chuck Norris can instantly determine if any object is actually stuff or a thing. For stuff to be useful it needs to be able to do something. That is why there is a universal scale for the importance of stuff and this is measured by many things.
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File:Red_wardrobe.jpg
A rare Red-Breasted Wardrobe, thought to be extinct.
A wardrobe is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes and eating small children. Wardrobes cause those in and around them to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with magical peril, an effect theorized to be caused by the mushrooms that grow deep within the wardrobe's usually musty body cavity.

From the Beginning

In the early 16th century, adventurer Parco Molo set out on an epic quest to find, name, and subsequently kill every species of animal in the world. But he never expected to encounter such a terrible monster as the wardrobe. Wardrobes, of course, have existed long before man - possibly even before time. The local tribesmen of the Commonwealth of England had told Molo of such a creature they called "The Royal Wardrobe," or "Great Wardrobe." At the time, Parco dismissed the thought of a seven-story high behemoth that consumed mass amounts of orphans as a mere legend, but it was not. (This massive wardrobe was also used as a storehouse for royal accouterments, housing arms and clothing - among other personal items of the Crown.)  (more...)

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Featured Object

File:Merkin 1.jpg
A cheap merkin, such as a prostitute might wear.
A merkin is a pubic wig. According to the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), which is an authority concerning such matters, prostitutes once wore merkins to disguise the fact that they had syphilis. Etymologically, the word is believed to be derived from malkin, meaning "mop." Not only did this hairpiece do duty as a pubic wig, but the merkin, apparently, was used to mop floors (or, possibly, just to "mop up" after sex). Not to be outdone by the fair sex, men also occasionally wear merkins, and some even enjoy flashing their faux minges at unsuspecting passersby…

Significance

Like other hairstyles, those involving the merkin indicate gender, fashion trends, social status, ethnic identity, and relative psychological stability (or, as the case may be, instability). Some merkin wearers match the style of their pubic wig to that of their hairstyle; others enjoy a stark contrast between the two, wearing their hair, for example, in a traditional style, such as a pageboy, while dying their merkin neon orange and wearing it in a Mohawk or in cornrows or dreadlocks…  (more...)

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Junkyard Referendum

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Analog News

File:Scraper.jpg
The missing scraper has a brush on the side to clear away ice particles…

DENVER, CO -- Denver-area sources say that area man Wes Dober has failed to return an ice scraper to his roommate, local journalist Jim Hoffman.

Hoffman loaned the ice scraper to Dober last weekend when Dober said he wanted to run to the store to pick up some "stuff". Hoffman had intended to devote the entire day to beating "Heavenly Sword" on the Playstation 3, so he agreed to the request.

However, Hoffman has yet to have that ice scraper returned to him.

"I'm pretty irritated," Hoffman said in an interview with his tape recorder. "I had to sit in the car for 20 minutes this morning while it defrosted. Then I had to go out and try to clean off the windshield with a credit card."

Sources close to the two speculate that Hoffman could use his position as a journalist to make Dober's life uncomfortable.

For example, an anonymous source tells us that a distinctly female voice was coming from Dober's room last week, while the door was closed. This information would likely be of some interest to Jillian, Dober's on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Also, it is possible that Hoffman has some very interesting text messages still on his phone…  (more...)

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Grue Crossing
Grue Crossing
The Grue Crossing signs have proven to be an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.
Image Credit: Kaizer the Bjorn
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File:Dont_go_anywhere.jpg
Uh oh...
5:07 PM, Friday-- After a long, hectic day at the office, you shuffle along down the hall, briefcase in hand. You narrowly dodge one of your more annoying coworkers as he skids past in his rolling swivel chair, and with the sound of a collision between him and another person, hopefully his boss, you step into an elevator crowded with various men and women in suits. Among these formally-dressed drones is a young man with long, blonde hair and a multicolored t-shirt emblazoned with a peace sign. The fellow greets you with a friendly "Peace, man," but your mind is too wracked with stress to take any notice.

As the elevator gradually falls to the first floor, your nostrils are filled with the scent of paper, fresh off the copy machine, as well as the strange scent of dry-roasted nuts. "Must be John with his can of cashews again," you think to yourself. "That guy is going to end up in the hospital with some sort of rare nut-related disease."  (more...)

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The Seven Directions of Travel:
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