Portal:Analog

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Analog portal

Please keep the anal log jokes to a minimum.

CATEGORIES: Appliances - Architecture - Automobiles - Aviation - Awesome Things - Cold Things - Engineering - Furniture - Gardening - Jewelry - Kitchen implements - Stuff - Stuff you probably should eat - Substances - Plumbing - Things - Tools - Weapons - All...

Stuff is the fundamental essence of the Universe. Stuff fills the the inside of the outer lining of the universe (technically known as the Spatial Attribute Container - Sac). Stuff is often considered to be an agglomeration of things but paradoxically a thing is also made of stuff. This paradox is known as the stuff-thing duality wotsit, whereby all matter appears as a thing if picked up but also as a collection of stuff when dropped hard enough. However, Chuck Norris can instantly determine if any object is actually stuff or a thing. For stuff to be useful it needs to be able to do something. That is why there is a universal scale for the importance of stuff and this is measured by many things.

more about stuff…

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Wardrobes

A rare Red-Breasted Wardrobe, thought to be extinct.

A wardrobe is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes and eating small children. Wardrobes cause those in and around them to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with magical peril, an effect theorized to be caused by the mushrooms that grow deep within the wardrobe's usually musty body cavity.

From the Beginning

In the early 16th century, adventurer Parco Molo set out on an epic quest to find, name, and subsequently kill every species of animal in the world. But he never expected to encounter such a terrible monster as the wardrobe. Wardrobes, of course, have existed long before man - possibly even before time. The local tribesmen of the Commonwealth of England had told Molo of such a creature they called "The Royal Wardrobe," or "Great Wardrobe." At the time, Parco dismissed the thought of a seven-story high behemoth that consumed mass amounts of orphans as a mere legend, but it was not. (This massive wardrobe was also used as a storehouse for royal accouterments, housing arms and clothing - among other personal items of the Crown.) (more...)

Article Credit: Zana Dark

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Featured Object

Cookie Clicker

Artist's depiction of a cookie clicker.

A cookie clicker is a tool designed specifically in order to "click" cookies, punching holes into them. Cookie clickers, since their initial invention in the 1970s, have been used for a variety of purposes in the kitchen, including clicking cookies (their original purpose), making cucumber and steak skewers, and making ring-shaped dessert toppings.

A typical cookie clicker has a long lever which is used to push a bladed cylinder, the clicker, straight through cookies up to 1/2 an inch in thickness, and then through a close-fitting hole in the die. As the vertical travel distance of the cylinder is less than an inch, it can be positioned within about 1.2 inches of the lever fulcrum. For smaller cookie clickers, meant to slice through thinner, Subway-style cookies, the resulting lever need not be more than 3 inches for sufficient force.

The clicker's diameter generally varies between each clicker; a hole size of 1/4 inch allows for a a donut-shaped 3/4-to-1 inch cookie, whilst a 1/2 inch hole is generally favored for medium-sized cookies. Occasionally, a 1-inch hole is used for larger cookies and other foodstuffs (such as steak). (more...)

Article Credit: Cassie

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Junkyard Referendum

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Analog News

Here's what it looks like if you're doing it right. I don't know what's holding the cardboard up.

Stuff In My Room

Topeka, KANSAS - So I'm laying around on my mattress, see, bouncing it around every now and then but for the most part just laying there, maybe with the tv running listening to it talk about things, when I get a call from the UnNews front office, person named Sannse. They start talking, doing that "Johnny, how are you old chap" thing. I thought they were a credit collector or some other kind of salesperson, and was about to hang up when I overhear them saying, "Back in March you said your next news report would be about stuff in your room, can you get around to it now, before the first of the year?" I chew on something as I answer 'Sure' and throw the phone down on its back, like a hooker I know named Lucy who doesn't do that for the cheap.

Stuff in my room. Is that what you guys want to read about? I'd think you'd be more interested in ghosts on Mars, or green onions, or what the Queen eats for midnight snack (worms...it's true!). But I'll just educate you on some of the stuff here, what I can see of it.

There's one of those slinky walking things, guy must have made some big bucks who figured out the exact torque on that contraption to make it move down a flight of stairs like a noisy rodent. This slinky has little spikes on it, tiny razors which are embedded in the metal with just enough size to not interfere with the walking movement but actually cuts the wooden stairs or the stairway carpet as it passes… (more...)

Article Credit: Aleister

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Toaster

Some toasters come with the ability to burn CD-R and DVD-R, connected by a lightning fast USB 2.0.

Image Credit: Ben DeRoy

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Highlighted Biography

Rohe, with his 1935 Munchen Ant Farm and Municipal City Center.

Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

Ludwig Mies "Vander" Rohe (German for Ludwig Evil Of The Brutality) (March 27, 1886 – August 17, 1969) was a German (or possibly Austrian) fellow who reinvented architecture in the early-to-mid-20th century by creating buildings that looked like big glass cereal boxes.

Origins

Rohe grew up in a small suburban town in the southwest of Germany (or possibly Denmark). His father, Emilio Rohe, is widely credited with inventing the elevator call button-- before him, people had to shout what floor they wanted very loud and hope that someone already inside the elevator would come down to get them. His mother, Mikembe Rohe, died in a tragic blimp accident when Ludwig was three. As a result, Rohe was raised believing that he was pooped out by a pterodactyl... (more...)

Article Credit: MadMax

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Measurements of Time