Portal:Analog

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Analog portal

Please keep the anal log jokes to a minimum.

CATEGORIES: Appliances - Architecture - Automobiles - Aviation - Awesome Things - Cold Things - Engineering - Furniture - Gardening - Jewelry - Kitchen implements - Stuff - Substances - Plumbing - Things - Things Dealing with Spoons - Tools - Weapons - All...

Stuff is the fundamental essence of the Universe. Stuff fills the the inside of the outer lining of the universe (technically known as the Spatial Attribute Container - Sac). Stuff is often considered to be an agglomeration of things but paradoxically a thing is also made of stuff. This paradox is known as the stuff-thing duality wotsit, whereby all matter appears as a thing if picked up but also as a collection of stuff when dropped hard enough. However, Chuck Norris can instantly determine if any object is actually stuff or a thing. For stuff to be useful it needs to be able to do something. That is why there is a universal scale for the importance of stuff and this is measured by many things.

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Dryer

Basic cutaway of a dryer.

The dryer is one of the greatest contributions to the field of experimental physics since the Giant Hadron Collider. The dryer is the only piece of manmade technology currently that can produce an artificial wormhole and cause quantum entanglement. As of the late 1900's the dryer was responsible for more than one billion lost socks most of which belonged to the left foot. A lampshade somehow contributed to this pandemic.

Research (How it Works)

Scientists studied this phenomenon very closely for long periods of time and were unable to observe any type of quantum entanglement/vortex formation. Since lab tests continued to yield unsuccessful results they decided to create the laundromat where many dryers were clumped together alongside washers in the hopes that some type of quantum phenomena would take place. It is there that they learned that for a wormhole to form and for quantum entanglement to occur, the objects placed inside the dryer must first be de-atomized by a washing machine. (more...)

Article Credit: Benny Pollok

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Featured Object

Cookie Clicker

Artist's depiction of a cookie clicker.

A cookie clicker is a tool designed specifically in order to "click" cookies, punching holes into them. Cookie clickers, since their initial invention in the 1970s, have been used for a variety of purposes in the kitchen, including clicking cookies (their original purpose), making cucumber and steak skewers, and making ring-shaped dessert toppings.

A typical cookie clicker has a long lever which is used to push a bladed cylinder, the clicker, straight through cookies up to 1/2 an inch in thickness, and then through a close-fitting hole in the die. As the vertical travel distance of the cylinder is less than an inch, it can be positioned within about 1.2 inches of the lever fulcrum. For smaller cookie clickers, meant to slice through thinner, Subway-style cookies, the resulting lever need not be more than 3 inches for sufficient force.

The clicker's diameter generally varies between each clicker; a hole size of 1/4 inch allows for a a donut-shaped 3/4-to-1 inch cookie, whilst a 1/2 inch hole is generally favored for medium-sized cookies. Occasionally, a 1-inch hole is used for larger cookies and other foodstuffs (such as steak). (more...)

Article Credit: Cassie

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Junkyard Referendum

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Analog News

Photo from totally sweet that party went down Friday.

Non-Nerds Throw Huge House Party While Losers at Comic Con

EDDY'S HOUSE, Next to the White Castle -- Eddy and all his friends threw a totally sweet party at his residence Friday night while their loser friends attended Comic Con. Eddy and company purposely scheduled the party so as not to feel awkward leaving them out. Mandy was there, and Steve brought all the liquor. Everyone expressed total relief that Jimmy and all the guys who play D&D were too busy dressing up as Stormtroopers to show up since they always cause all these awkward silences and it really sucks when they get drunk because they're so annoying.

According to sources close to Eddy, Jimmy announced he would attend Comic Con some time in early March this year. Since the announcement, Eddy's compatriots have allegedly been planning the party to end all parties in secrecy, revealing plans only to close friends and guys they knew who were great when they come to these kinds of things. Plans were nearly compromised mid-June when Jimmy's brother Alex saw Steve making a list of people to invite. The immediate cover of a surprise birthday party for a college friend was deployed. The party committee has since operated in top secrecy, ending contact with all non-essential acquaintances. (more...)

Article Credit: Shadsy

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Grue Crossing

The Grue Crossing signs have proven to be an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.

Image Credit: Kaizer the Bjorn

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You

Uh oh...

5:07 PM, Friday-- After a long, hectic day at the office, you shuffle along down the hall, briefcase in hand. You narrowly dodge one of your more annoying coworkers as he skids past in his rolling swivel chair, and with the sound of a collision between him and another person, hopefully his boss, you step into an elevator crowded with various men and women in suits. Among these formally-dressed drones is a young man with long, blonde hair and a multicolored t-shirt emblazoned with a peace sign. The fellow greets you with a friendly "Peace, man," but your mind is too wracked with stress to take any notice.

As the elevator gradually falls to the first floor, your nostrils are filled with the scent of paper, fresh off the copy machine, as well as the strange scent of dry-roasted nuts. "Must be John with his can of cashews again," you think to yourself. "That guy is going to end up in the hospital with some sort of rare nut-related disease." (more...)

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