Pingu

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Pingu often passed monstrous kidney stones in his early life.

“Muack Muack!”

~ Pingu on foreign policy

“He's an inspiration to us all, be we feathery or hairless.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pingu

“NUG, NUG! N**!”

~ Pingu on his military career

“In all probability, Pingu has less then twelve testicles, a face and the name Pingu.”

~ Captain Obvious on Pingu

Admiral Pingu J. Penguin (1960-2007) was regarded by many as one of the greatest faces in military history[1], has had a long and extremely successful life[2], and was known as the "greatest admiral the world has ever seen"[3].

Personal life[edit]

Pingu was born in an igloo in Antarctica in 1960 and was often beaten by his angry, drug-abusing father. Pingu was born with several tragic speech disorders, one of which is the "megaphone-like beak" gesture and "NUG, NUG!" sound to indicate anger, frustration or to get attention, or possibly because he is having a seizure.

As a result of his abused mother and angry father, Pingu left Antarctica for the USA in 1973, and joined the Army soon after. Although initially serving as a private in the US Marines, Pingu's obidience and tactical ingineuty let to swift promotions and Pingu climbed through the ranks. In 1995, Pingu left the USA to serve under the command of his home country in Antarctica, and joined the Imperial Penguin Army. It was here that Pingu proved his mantle, and was quickly given command of a light destroyer, the AS Herring.

During routine patrols, a submarine mine sunk the Herring, and Pingu served some time as a lieutenant on an aircraft carrier before promotion to Admiral in 1993. Sadly, Pingu's grandfather was shot by Adolf Hitler soonafter, and Pingu was put on leave to mourn his killed grandfather.

In 1999, Pingu was on extended holiday in Switzerland, where a group of TV producers have created a documentary about young Pingu's early life and the experiences that proved him a true leader.

He was killed in 2007 after a NAPA airstrike nucleary bombed his ship. Pingu was the only one killed in the ship, the rest escaped and survived. A funeral was held to honor the fallen hero. Pinga, all of Pingu's friends, and the bombing survivors attended the funeral. He was buried at the IPA's fallen soldiers cemetary in Antartica.

Family and Friends[edit]

  • Pinga is Pingu's little sister, who has been serving as Admiral since Pingu's death in 2007. As of 2009, she is currently planning another full-scale assault on NAPA's super HQ.
  • Ben. Pingu's brother, the happy one who is a druggy/postman just like his father. He is currently a sargent for Pingo's team in the IPA.
  • Mother and Father. Pingu's father was a postman and parttime drug dealer. As such, he constantly smoked bongs and was always loaded. He had a motorised sledge to deliver the post and drugs all across Antarctica. He died of a heroin overdose in 1989. Pingu's mother spent most of her time at home in the igloo and chained the stove by her drunken husband. When Pingu was five, Father made Mother do a lot of the work in the home e.g. knitting, cooking and ironing while he got drunk at the bar. She was murdered by her husband in 1985.
  • Grandpa was Pingu's grandfather. He's a whiz at playing the accordion and getting laid. He was murdered by Adolf Hitler in 1993. Pingu wept for days and wet himself.


  • Grandma A usually unknown character, she first appeared in the episode "Pingu Helps to Deliver Mail" she is often seen with a large stick beating posters of her grandson, Pingu. Pingu's Grandpa left her leaving her a widow when he caught her jerking off over her private collection of pingu posters.
  • Robby the seal is Pingu's best friend, but is confused by his budding sexuality. His name is a pun; 'Robby' is High German for 'massive transvestite'. When Pingu returned on leave, he discovered that Robbie had taken to cross-dressing and worked as a waiter at the local cafe. He currently is a substitute sarge for the IPA.
  • Pingi is Pingu's girlfriend, though little does he know that she's basically been laid by many of his friends since his absence, even the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™. She's now a corporal for the IPA.
  • Pingo is a friend of Pingu. He has a long phallic beak, and is the unmentioned drummer of the 20s band 'The Walri'. He usually tries to get Pingu to do wild and silly things, such as baiting hookers on the Ross Ice Shelf. He is now a commander for the IPA.
  • Pingg is a friend of Pingu. He is smaller than Pingo and has a long sharp pointed beak than him. He is now a sergeant for the IPA.
  • Punki was another of Pingu's friends. He's emo and slits his flippers while listening to Fallout Boy and was a soldier during Penguin War I. He committed suicide in 1992 after YouTube was destroyed by you know who.
  • The Fucking Scary Red Walrus™ The giant walrus that randomly popped up and scared civilians. The whereabouts of the FSRW™ are currently unknown, though scientists have theorized that a combination of global warming and banning his episode off the air may have brought about his death.
  • Nazi is a friend and soldier of Pingu who appears in only two episodes, Pingu the racist and Pingu the homophobe. They were both banned because in each one Pingu can be seen drinking something that looks like alcohol. Nazi is a penguin, and despite his title he is actually a Nazi, not a communist.
  • Joe Cobb is a pingu addict and spends all his free time re-watching old pingu episodes while eating a yoghurts with questionable past. After a family intervention he was admitted into a intense rehab center, the 12-month course failed horribly leaving several social workers blind and one dead. Nobody knows exactly what happened that day but they say he went on a rampage screaming "NUG NUG" anyways he is DOUCHBAG. Only featuring in one episode Pingu gets Surprise Buttsecks and he wasn't convincing.

Early Life[edit]

He met his first penguin friend Fraser The clinically obese Seal in Penguin school, it was this boy that grew up and offered him his first legal contract to start his filming "career". However Pingu's first show The Penguin And I didnt sell well in the US and he went bust. He became a drug dealer selling "Ice" to his co-workers. The unbelievably fat seal saved him and offed him a job as a waiter in a bar known as "The Bear". He held a karaoke night where he was scouted for a programme "The Wee Lads" where he played a PET PENGUIN. His career took a boost and he was offered his pwn show whiich he intitled, Pingu.

Enemies[edit]

These are the members of NAPA.

  • Chris Crocker is the main enemy and the leader of The National Anti-Penguin Association™ (NAPA). Chris has since uploaded many videos of him beating up penguins before taking the job to stop penguins
  • Commander Leopard T. Seal is a member of NAPA™. He is responsible for the deaths of over 100 penguins and has once tried to eat Pingu, luckilly, Pingu escaped just in time before the seal used his chompers.
  • Corpral Ali P was once a member of NAPA™. He used to have a great power of penguin killing before being fired by NAPA. Commited suicide in 2006.
  • Viacom is a company controlled by NAPA™. They were responsible for the destruction of YouTube, which led to the death of Punki in 1992.
  • Norton is a company controlled by NAPA™. They were responsible for the destruction of Windows 7's internet.
  • General Adolf Hitler is the most powerful member of NAPA, being responsible for the death of over 1,000,000 penguins, including Grandfather. He once became drunk while at a war with Pingu, but ended up puking out alcohol during the war.
  • Sargent Leopold Slikk (or the Angry German Kid) is another member of NAPA and a retired internet actor. He is probably know for his Unreal Tournament video. When he retired, he joined NAPA to create destructive keyboard weapons to wipe out the IPA for good.
  • Admiral Master Chief is another member of NAPA. He has high tech weapons that could break a open penguin in one second!

Episodes[edit]

  • Pinga is Born

Mother forgot about what happened in Las Vegas. Hilarity ensues.

  • Pingu is Jealous

Mother acts like a bitch. Pingu acts like he's got epilipsy. Pinga throws up everywhere.

  • Pingu goes Fishing

Pingu tries his hand at fishing, but Robbie keeps stealing food from him. After Pingu calls him a dick, Robbie cries because "he hasn't made up his mind yet".

  • Pingu's Lavatory Story

Pingu and Pinga go to the bar for some hits. But then Pinga tinkles on the ground and is sent home. But when Pingu gets home he decides to take a piss on the floor, and the father finds out, leading into total corporal punishment for Pingu.

  • Pingu's Dream

Pingu sneaks one of his father's joints before bed and has an encounter with the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™.

Pingu tries to run away to the circus but is scared by the clowns and wets himself.

  • Pingu Runs Away

Pingu tries to join an orphanage but is given the boot after a week. A kindly popstar approaching her 50s pays a heck of a lot of money, sings some shit about a virgin and then grabs Pingu and runs.

  • Pingu's Birthday

Pingu turns 50 and throws a birthday party with his friends. But things take a turn for the worse when they discover the candle on Pingu's birthday cake is posessed!

  • Pingu and the Organ Grinder

Pingu takes a co-op program as an organ grinder, but quits soon after when the grinder died of AIDS. Oscar Wilde guest stars!

  • Pingu in Charge

Pingu tries to create a dictatorship, and fails spectacularily after the U.S. 'liberate' the people of Antarctica from its communist master.

  • Grandpa is ill

Pingu's Grandpa is sick so Pingu, Pinga and Mother go to his house to help him. Pingu then devises a plan to fake his own illness so that mother looks after Pingu instead of Grandpa, hoping that Grandpa will die and Pingu can collect the inheritance. Pingu's mother joins in on the act once she realises that most of the inheritance will go to her and not Pingu.

Pingu has "totally consenting sex" with Jeremy Clarkson, Amy Winehouse and that guy who wrote "South Park". Unfortunately, a hemorrhoids issue, a rather graphic copy of "Time" magazine from 1987 and a rape alarm caused the fun to end rather quickly.

  • Grand Theft Pingu

Pingu is an immigrant from South East Oceania. Exiled by The Party and Big Brother and even that Winston guy who had sex with a 23 year old in the book, he has travelled far and wide carrying that red and white checkered hankie attached to a stick with all his shit in it and has finally reached Iceland.

Here, Pingu is faced with the mean streets of Iceland. Gangs of what are called "Blue Seals" to the left of him, phallic-beaked enemy penguins to the right, here he is stuck in the middle with that girlfriend he's far too young to have. He must destroy enemy penguins with his "nug-nug" beak to survive and, ultimately, get the hooker at the end. Can he do it?

  • Pingu Goes Gay

It is a little-known fact but Pingu has always had a crush on that blue seal. The girlfriend you always saw him walking around with was actually a cover-up for his madly gay inner feelings. This film cannot be rated.

  • Pingu The Communist

Don't ask why but Americans have always taken a dim view of Pingu: he comes from a cold country with no free market. That spells trouble.

  • Pingu Goes On The Jeremy Kyle Show (or Maury for Americans)

Pingu has doubts as to the paternity of his 3 year old daughter that he illicitly had with sister Pinga in a one-night stand against his on-off girlfriend Pingi. He reckons that in the 3 years he was with Pinga (even though it was a one-night stand: already his story is cracking), Pinga slept with over 9000 men. Which one fathered the daughter? Find out if you can!

  • Pingu Loses His Third Nipple

Pingu loses his notorious third nipple while surfboarding in Mother Russia (see Pingu The Communist). He then goes on an epic quest to regain his nipple which takes him across the globe. Meanwhile, unaware of the situation, Pingu's father takes up an art class where he begins his first ever love affair with a panda.

Plot very similar (if not identical) to Pingu is Jealous.

  • Pingu vs. Leopard T. Seal

Pingu gets his first battle against a menacing leopard seal at the war.


  • Pingu and the Seagull

Pingu obviously does something to piss off a seagull who shits all over him and his sweet pimped out scooter. Then, for some retarded reason, he saves the seagull from an angry pedo lobster. The seagull proceeds to shit on him again. Later he enjoys an enema applied by his mother.

  • Pingu is a Little Shit

Angry at the rising popularity of Elmo, Pingu grabs a sub-machine gun, his dad's whiskey bottle and some NiGHTS hentai and heads out for a night on the town.

  • Pingu Egg Sits

Depressed and out of Valium, Pingu's mother assigns Pingu the job of egg sitting. He quickly gets bored of sitting and listens to a crappy 80's song that nobody cares about anymore. Afterwards, his parents come in after seeing and hearing things crash about inside the igloo, where they find Pingu jerking off to mother's old Cowboy BeBop tapes. Pingu was grounded for 30 years afterwards.

  • Pingu and Pingg make out

Pingu's hip friend Pingg asks Pingu if he wants to play ball. However, because he's a dick, Pingu chucks it into an ice cave and makes Pingg go down to get it back. Then Pingu sneeks up behind and gives Pingg surprise buttsecks. Then they watch the Fucking Scary Walrus's Christmas Message to all those homophobic penguins who can just go shit themselves.

  • Revenge of the FSRW

The FSRW returns and Pingu is at the top of his hit list.

  • Sledge Trouble

Pingu loses a bet and has to go sledding with Pingo and Pingg. Pingo buys a cheap pack of ski wax and all goes well, until Chuck Norris eats the snowman's soul which in turn eats Pingu. The snowman moves around and self-mutilates scaring Pinga, who wets herself, until Pingo and Pingg exorcise the snowman by melting it.

  • Lost Baby

While Pingu and Pingg play poker, Pinga gets kidnapped by Michael Jackson who holds her for ransom.

  • Noise

Miley Redneck disturbs the neighborhood with her singing and Pingu and Robby resort to resurrecting Jet Li.

  • Pingu the Chef

Pingu applies to be a chef at a gourmet restaurant so he can poison the Jonas Brothers.


Notes[edit]

  1. Well, by me, anyway.
  2. He was 54 years old and he looked the same as he did 46 years ago!
  3. Oscar Wilde