Palladium

Everyone wants to be Iron Man, but to do that you need to inject palladium into your heart. You really should inject the toxic metal into your heart, come on, you want to be Iron Man, right?

Good morning, hello. Some of you might know me as Tony Stark, playboy billionaire and genius, but I should also tell you that yes, the rumors are true, I am–who just said aluminum man? Who said that? Your mother was a small and fragile crustacean, and I'm going to buy out your parents company and fire them–where was I? Oh yes, me, Tony Stark, am Iron Man. My parole officer given to me for partially destroying a large portion of that third-world dumpster, 'Suck-ovia?' tells me that... actually, lets get this straight, it was a malfunction that did it, not me. Life finds a way am I right children? Well, whatever they called it, the US government is telling me, ME, the Iron Man, that I now have to do community service for 60 years. That's why I'm in this awful excuse for a middle school teaching chemistry. I told them "I'm not a chemist, I build suits of metal," but they, they just don't listen. Normally I'd just have Jarvis send a Stark Industries Valhalla Prime Termination missile strike here and run off, but I've learned that this is called 'domestic terrorism,' and cause for blah blah blah. Also, none of the outlets work in this room and I forgot to charge my Jarvis glasses. Screw it! I know one compound well, so well in fact, that I put a pile of it in my body, and then made on of my many girlfriends, I think the ginger one, stick her hand in my chest! Palladium. Yes, I should tell you that I have created a superior version, called 'Tonium,' but the lab coat wearing weirdos at the Avengers HQ won't accept it into the periodic table, so here we are.

Well? Ask away. Time won't go past by itself until I figure out how to time travel...

"What's palladium?"

Yes, you with the hand up in space.

You, in the back. Great question. Its, um, a metal, well more like a chemical element. Its named after some rock in space, but who really cares about that, space is for people who think this earth isn't good enough, and I resent that. Who wouldn't want to be on the same planet as Iron Man? Oh also, my notes here say that, uh, its like platinum but the main difference is... its spelled different? Who wrote this stuff, a moron? Its also less dense. Funny, dense is what I call that shield-touting eyesore that is my coworker, looks like I might have just found a new nickname for Mr. America's Ass.

Well, aside from being used as a partial blood transplant in my own body thanks to science being hard, palladium is also used in dental tools, medicine, and catalytic converters, which is where I procured all my palladium. See, I hosted this huge party at my Malibu house, and when everyone was partying, I had Jarvis walk my Iron Man suit around just full of my piss, while I went outside and sawed off the catalytic converters from all their cars! They wouldn't be missed, and I needed that palladium.

Aside from my partygoers cars, you can also find palladium in South Africa, Montana, Ontario, and Russia. Never been to those, and don't plan on it. Canadians bother me.

Next question!

"What are some Characteristics?"

Yes, another fantastic question. You all remind me of my coworkers, which makes me want to hug you and punch you at the same time. Palladium, from my experience, is a silvery-white color, but store it too long in your body and it turns into a reddish sludge–haha! You should have seen the way Ms. Potts stood there, hands in my chest cavity all covered in it, you'd think she thought I was dying or something! Speaking of women, anybody know where that TA went? I'm interested in showing her my, uh, arc reactor. If anyone knows who she is, I'll give extra credit if you tell me her name. Jarvis, search up–oh, oh I forgot. Not charged up again, maybe if I connected it directly to my arc reactor I might...

"Where's Captain America?"

Hey! Can I give detention? Look, as soon as I find where they keep those slips I'm going to make sure you're in detention for the rest of the month. Next question! And if any of you you mention my facial hair, I'll have Jarvis expose your browser history to Somalian pirates, don't think I won't.

"Trust me I'm trying to flip you all off, but the servos are broken again."

"Where is palladium used?"

Lord, finally someone asks a question relevant to the situation. Well, before I invented Tonium, yes I'm going to keep calling it that, palladium was used as a power source in my arc reactor. Of course I'm not just about to tell a bunch of children my secrets, so that's all you're going to get today. Class dismissed!

See also

• Marvel
• Metals