Northern Territory

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The Northern Territory is Australia's northern-most shithole. It has a population of about 29 people, with the majority of the people living in a city named after a dead dude. The citizens in the NT go by the colloquialism Bankrupt, due to the $8.2bn in debt.

Shit Towns[edit]

The NT has a number of shit towns. Some of these include:

Darwin - A one-street town with more Aboriginals on the street than actual streets to drive on. Is called the state capital by many people living in the Territory.

Palmerston - Darwin's "satellite city". Is Darwin's Western Sydney, despite being to the east of it.

Alice Springs - What happens when you give an aspiring town planner, and all of the town's citizens, a Meth-pipe.

PFASland - Known by the single local as "Katherine", the local military base may have accidentally emptied all of their fire extinguishers into the nearby river.

Groote Eylandt - Can't spell 'island'.

Yulara - Reportedly a town near some big rock tourists love. Is used by the news to only show the weather at said big rock.

Tennant Creek - The only place in the world where the next nearest store is over 500km away and the citizens still decide to burn it to the ground.

Nhulunbuy - Formerly known as 'Gove', this town is about as good as North Korean democracy.


The NT was founded in the year 40,000 BC, by three drunk Makassarians and an Aboriginal man high on some native berries in Dutchman Land. They would quickly be met by some more inebriated Makassarians and Aboriginals, and would found the shithole that is the Northern Territory.

In 1869, some white dude showed up and founded the 'city' of Darwin. Following this, they decided to make some stupid "morse code line" to tell the southern states that some questionably intelligent life was present. While doing this, they accidentally found gold in the town of Pine Creek. Not knowing what to do with it, they told the southern colonies on that fancy-smancy new morse code line about the material. Victorians still grimace about this discovery to this very day, as their gold isn't as good. Not that Victoria didn't hate us already; the region was owned by New South Wales.

In 1911, the NT joined South Australia. No one liked this, and they still don't. That's why we left so quickly. Speaking of leaving, the shit town of Alice Springs decided to be all uppity and do a Brexit. They formed a territory called 'Central Australia' in 1927, but after 4 years, and mismanagement indifferent to that of the current Northern Territory government, decided to reintegrate with the Northern Territory.

In 1942, the Japs from up north decided to drop a few bombs on Darwin. All 8 people in the town were mortified, however the Japanese were unable to kill their primary targets Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. Following this, some citizens left, a trend that would continue to the present day.

On Christmas Eve in 1974, another bombshell hit Darwin; except this time it was an internal struggle. The town had run out of booze. Angry, the townsfolk mustered up enough Chinese foldout fans and decided to make a massive cyclone to destroy the town. They named it after a local long-grasser named Tracy. Tracy hit hard enough that everyone needed to be evacuated to Adelaide; that's where they wanted to go anyway. That's where the booze was.

In 1978, the Federal Government decided to give the NT its own self-government. There are 25 seats, all of which are plastic stacking chairs stolen from the Deckchair Cinema.

In 1998, the town of Katherine experienced floods due to Tropical Cyclone Lesbian. Wouldn't be the first time Katherine was made wet by one of those.

Geography and Climate[edit]

There are two climates in the Northern Territory: Very Hot, and Very Fucking Hot. These names were approved by the Bureau of Meteorology in 2007, and began appearing in official BoM gazettes in 2008.

There are also two seasons in the Northern Territory. These are Wet because of the sky and Wet because of the heat. These seasons often overlap, and, seemingly, the former season is slowly disappearing due to Some black rock from underground.

Geography-wise, there is not much going on in the Northern Territory. There's two gulfs on either side of the northern regions, one of which is the site of the Battle of the Northern Territory, in where asylum seekers and the local menagerie, consisting of drunks and stoners, fought against one another. This resulted in the Federal Government stepping in and decreeing that all asylum seekers can take up residency in Christmas Island or Manus Island. There is also some big fucking rock down south, near the town that doesn't exist, Yulara.


There are two major parties in the Northern Territory. They are the Dumb Fucks and The Retarded Fucks. The Retarded Fucks are notable, as their 'legal' name is different to that of their Federal counterpart. That doesn't matter though; both parties have the same policies anyway. Some dumbass named Terrence tried to form his own party, called the 'Territory Alliance' but, very clearly, he wasn't allied with the place at all. The current Stupid Fucking Idiot We Elected (remember, this is a territory, not a state) is Michael Gunner Change My Viewpoint On Every Election Promise.


It's all asians and Aboriginals. I am not joking. More than half of the population is one of those ethnicities, with white fellas taking up a percentage of the population.

National Parks[edit]

There are a total of two national parks you care about:

Kakadu National Park - The Federal Government's favourite uranium mine, and;

Uluru Kata Tjuta National Park - Contains a rock that even good ol' Pauline was too scared to climb.

There's Arnhem Land too, but that's about as good as the NT's liquor laws.

Things to do in the Territory[edit]

Leaving is a Territory pastime.

Join the locals in getting shitfaced, hopping on a Greyhound bus and ending up 200km away from where you started, beginning the entire process again until you somehow luck your way into Darwin International Airport.

Or, join the locals in their other local pastime - fighting every second person they see. Using the beer bottles from their primary pastime as weapons, the Darwin City Street Fighting Festival is a bi-daily tradition. Police participation is encouraged, and they will frequently up the ante by losing their batons to other fighters.

Another fun activity is going for a visit to the Territory's towns. Just kidding. A fun tourist activity, though, if you're a European, is going to the pub and fighting the first Aussie you see. You will be prepared, believe me.

Or you can visit Moulden or Woodroffe shops and get bashed by Palmo Gang whilst watching a drug deal go down between an elderly couple and an eshay/dole-bludger.


The diet in the Territory is made up exclusively of its territory drink, Pauls iced coffee, and it's territory food, literally any fast food joint.

That's it for food. There's beer too, but that's not food. That's a vital part of life in the Territory, and children begin drinking it daily at the age of 5.

To conclude...[edit]

Drink beer and party on caps, and you instantaneously become a Territorian, provided that you have a bath in the desert sand beforehand.