Nelson Mandela's Bathroom
“In Soviet Russia, bathroom use YOU!!!”
Nelson Mandela's Bathroom refers to both an international incident and a deviant sexual practice.
The Diplomatic Disaster[edit | edit source]
The Incident[edit | edit source]
In 2002, then-president of South Africa Nelson Mandela was hosting an international fundraiser at his home in the suburbs of Cape Town. Amongst the elite invitees were Charlie Sheen, Lady Gaga, and Pope John Paul 2.0. At one point during the festivities, the Pope had to use the little boys' room and headed to the facilities. The Pope reached the door and, finding it unlocked, entered. He caught Sheen and Gaga in flagrante delicto, with Gaga snorting airplane glue off of Sheen's back while Sheen was doing something horribly inappropriate with his left fist. Ironically, President Mandela wasn't even on the premises, as he had accepted a last-minute invitation to see a rugby match with Matt Damon.
The Immediate Fallout[edit | edit source]
The Pope fainted and, upon awakening, excommunicated Gaga, Sheen, President Mandela, and the entire nation of South Africa. The debacle is largely blamed for Mandela's eventual loss of the South African presidency.
The South African government's official response to the diplomatic crisis was to attempt to put a spin on it, starting an ad campaign with the tag line, "What happens in South Africa, stays in South Africa." This failed; the press quickly learned of exactly what Sheen and Gaga were doing, and sex manuals everywhere soon recounted the lurid details of what happened in Nelson Mandela's bathroom. The South African government then countered by reigning in its national press with the admonition, "The First Rule about Nelson Mandela's Bathroom is, you don't talk about Nelson Mandela's bathroom." But the damage was already done. Nelson Mandela was ousted from his presidency and Apartheid returned with a vengeance.
The Resulting War[edit | edit source]
The new government of South Africa immediately placed Nelson Mandela under house arrest. In protest, Mandela went on a hunger strike and locked himself in his bathroom, ironically imprisoning himself in the very place that started the international debacle the caused his political fall.
Mandela supporters immediately organized a "Free Mandela" campaign and wrote letters to Pope John Paul 2.0 begging that he reconsider the excommunications he had enacted as a result of what took place in Nelson Mandela's Bathroom. At first, the pleas for reconsideration fell on deaf ears, but one night the Virgin of Guacamole appeared to the Pope in a vision. During his waking trance, the Pope reported that the Virgin commanded him to bring Mandela, South Africa, and all of her people back into the Catholic flock by any means necessary. The Pope awoke from his daydream and reversed the excommunications of Nelson Mandela and the South African population. He then prepared for war.
Mustering all of his powers of statecraft and war-craft, Pope John Paul 2.0 quickly convened a meeting of the War College of Cardinals. He tasked Brigadier Cardinal Biggles with commanding an invasion force into Cape Town to free Nelson Mandela from his bathroom. Vatican City quickly drafted its entire male population into a crack fighting force. A fleet of heavily armed Popemobiles was also produced, with the latest in Catholic weaponry. Each Popemobile included front-mounted cannons that fired stale Communion wafers carved into razor-sharp ninja stars. The Popemobiles were also equipped with turrets that included swivel flamethrowers, which shot a mixture of napalm and flammable, high-proof Communion wine.
The attack began on December 25, 2002, a date that the Pope, "knew those South African bastards would never expect." In just two-and-a-half hours, Vatican forces had secured Nelson Mandela's house and freed him from his bathroom. Mandela was then airlifted to St. Peter's Cathedral in Rome, where he remains in asylum to this day. The Vatican forces then withdrew from South Africa, ending what came to be known as the "Afro-Vatican War" in less than a day.
The Sexual Technique[edit | edit source]
Four things are needed to perform a Nelson Mandela's bathroom: a man, a woman, an African restroom, and a tube of
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