John Cockerill

John Cockerill

Type	GmbH (Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung, which nobody pronounces correctly)
Slogan	"If it moves we made it [and] if it won't we'll make it"
Founder(s)	This guy and that guy
Headquarters	Seraing, Belgium
Industry	most of them
Products	industrial machines steel things turrets truck other steel things fast spinning stuff stuff that should not spin but does anyway something that almost broke physics one time
Revenue	money. some years more, some years less
Employees	fluctuates (machines count as employees now?? unclear)

“Bro we own this page now.”

– John Cockerill on page, also yeah screw Lockheed Martin

“You literally cannot just say that??”

– Lockheed Martin on this is defamation! (Keep going.)

John Cockerill Extremely Advanced Industrial Machinery and Occasional Boom Boom Devices Company (JCEAIMAOOBBDC) is a company from Belgium known for operating on a unique manufacturing principle known as 'exponential volume expansion'. It states if the machine cannot fit through a doorway, it's an engineering failure and must be scaled up exponentially until it's too logistically inconvenient; the removal of several walls is required to transport it from room to room, which is considered standard shipping.

John Cockerill continues to aggressively manufacture machines for all sectors. Heavy industry, defense systems, energy, and such over-engineered machines Lockheed Martin looks like they make toys. If it involves metal, extreme thermal energy or an unreasonable amount of force, it is likely they're already manufacturing it or proposing concepts.

If said sector doesn't involve those things yet, give it time.

History

Early days (loud)

In 1897, John Cockerill was examining the state of Belgium's manufacturing industry when he noticed it wasn't nearly as efficient as their neighbours', producing just 0.05% of Europe's goods. He made the decision to rapidly industrialise Belgium by constructing factories, machines and, most significant of all, noise pollution. Many people at the time praised the excessive amount of industrial grade smog and noise due to the smoke and noise granting more jobs to the public and increasing overall public health. This was accomplished because chainsmokers and children no longer felt the need to put a cig up to their mouths, instead opting to inhale the smog, which provided a full smoking experience for free.

Although industrialisation proved successful, it was too subtle for Cockerill. This prompted him to pivot towards the defence sector and the plus-sized machines sector.

1900s (pivotal moment)

The 1900s were a confusing time for the company that played Candy Crush Saga in real life by growing, merging, splitting, merging again, and merging with something it had previously merged with before. Ownership became a question that had an answer more abstract then a Picasso painting

In all that corporate struggle, they also realised loud and smog-producing machines don't have to be used for smoke generators but can be used for defense which is cool. This led to lead engineers thinking, "what if we could make a gun that spins and spins?" Thus began their famous turret lineup, which is still being continued to this day.

Marginal financial problems also occurred during the merging and splitting, leading their board of directors to simply ignore the concept of bankruptcy, say "" and go back to manufacturing. Although people criticised the decision, economists around the world were all shocked when it was determined the strategy actually worked.

2000s (computers, finally)

In the early 2000s, Cockerill decided they would start integrating computers into all their machines so they could fail mechanically and digitally, which was "more exciting", according to the marketing team. As reliable as early computers were, Cockerill's computer integrated machines were constantly questioned. Workers and investors constantly asked why silicon transistors needed to be put on hydraulic presses if their only job was to crush a block of steel into a sheet of paper. The computer's were also met with negative reviews from people who had to fix the machines because now you had to patch firmware updates and bang on them with a 12-pound wrench.

Cockerill also got into making their machines eco-friendly to keep up with the times, which mostly involved the endless cycle of building a machine that is flawed, leading to another machine to fix the flawed machine's problems, which then fails, requiring another machine to be built to fix the problem-solving machine. Thus creating a loop that goes like this:

machines → problems → more machines → slightly bigger problems → even more machines

Products

cockerill 3105 turret picture

• Large industrial machines.
• Larger industrial machines.
• Steel production equipment, (big.)
• Energy systems, (complicated.)
• Rotating things, (fast.)
• Non-rotating things, (should stay that way but sometimes don't).
• Turrets for vehicles that may or may not need turrets.
• Truck with a turret on top that can pop in and out, and has an 25-35mm autocannon. (Cockerill I-X)

The turrets are modular, which means alot of combinations of turrets and hulls to put these on. (EX: Indonesian Harimau Medium Tank, (which is designed entirely around the Cockerill 3105 turret,) with a Cockerill 3105 turret.)

chart thing

Size	Meaning
Large	Normal
Very Large	Important
Extremely Large	Expensive
Too Large	Flagship
Why	Exists anyway

Technology

They do "innovation," which usually just means making things stronger or faster or hotter, sometimes all at once which tends to worry literally; nobody.

There are also engineers involved. A lot of math happens; nobody outside the company fully understands how much. Except for Adolf Hitler.

Cockerill mostly revolves around seeing how far something can go before it becomes a problem, and then going slightly past that just to do so

Corporate culture

Employees are expected to:

• Think big.
• Build bigger.
• Not stand directly next to the bigger thing.

Automation is used a lot, which means machines are now helping make other machines, which is efficient but also slightly unsettling if you think about it.

Criticism

Some people have pointed out that doing both industrial equipment and weapons is a bit of a mix, but the company calls it diversification and leaves it at that. Projects sometimes go over budget or time or just kind of keep going, the solution is usually to continue until it works or becomes too large to stop. Environmental concerns exist, but newer machines are cleaner than older ones so technically it's improving as long as you keep replacing everything forever.

Which is probably fine.

Fun facts

• The machines are big.
• They are loud.
• There are a lot of them.
• More are being made right now.
• At least one is bigger than expected.
• Tracking all of them is not possible.
• They made one LAV truck thing called the I-X.

Conclusion

John Cockerill has been around for over 200 years, and has mostly spent that time making large, complicated machines and then making larger ones later.

It is still doing that now. (EX: Cockerill 3105 defense turret thing)

There does not appear to be a limit.

Website

[1]

See also

• Machine
• Big Machine
• Even bigger machine
• Lockheed Martin (same idea but air also john cockerill better lockheed martin is bad )

Notes