JaMarcus Russell

JaMarcus Russell

Russell mingling with other lazy bums
No. 2 Legit Not 2 Quit
Position:	On his bum
Personal information
Born:	(1985-08-05) August 5, 1985 Mobil gas station dumpster, Alabama
Height:	6 ft 6 in
Weight:
Career information
High school:	Mobile school of Hard Knocks
College:	LSD
NFL Draft:	2007 / Round: 1 / Pick: 1
Career history
Oakland Raiders (2007-2009)
Career highlights and awards
NFL records: Most money stolen by sitting on his ass Biggest bust Biggest waste of physical talent and throw power
Career NFL statistics
TD–INT:	0-♾️
Passing yards:	Incomplete or overthrown
Completion percentage:	um..
Passer rating:	🤪
Rushing yards:	To the buffet line or into the bathroom
Munchies eaten and Sizzurp sipped:	Hoo boy.. 😅
Has he done anything of value?:	Umm..
How does MrX feel about him?:	🙄
Player stats at NFL.com

“I got dat draaank”

– JaMarcus Russell

JaMarcus Trenell Russell, also known as JaWalrus, JaMukbang, FatMarcus, JaMardi Gras from his college days, Grimace, or Mr. Jabba the Hutt by Stephen A. Smith, is a lean, mean, stealing machine former American football player who likes food, draaank, rims, gambling, Benjamins, draaank, hoes, partying, Madden, draaank, sleeping, flexing, bling bling, draaank, some stuff that ain't draaank.. and football. In that order. And he even got away with pretending to be an NFL quarterback for a little bit after just one good year in college, made some good money in just three years in the League, just by having a rocket arm. Ryan Fitzpatrick should have taken notes. Ryan Leaf was impressed and bitterly jealous.

Early life and the biggest arm in Alabama history

JaMarcus Russell was born and raised in Mobile, Alabama, dirt poor and in the hood. Just like a whole lot of prospective football players. Except he could sling a football about a kajillion yards sitting down even from a young age.

Strangely, because of his big arm, everyone seemed to love JaMarcus from a young age. Even the gangstas seemed to love him. So the town put him on the local football team, where his rocket arm singlehandedly scared the bejeesus out of every opponent.

JaMarcus was so good without trying, that he never put in any extra practice. And he realized his arm alone could get him out of the hood and get him the big moneys. His high school won so much that they partied every day. At one of these parties, one of the gangstas set him up with a drink called "lean".

Better stay away from mixing this shit with candy, JaMarcus!

The biggest season in college football history

JaMarcus did so good in high school, every major college down south wanted to recruit him. He went to LSU because that school was close to New Orleans, AKA party central, had bussin' good seafood, and was in a state that wasn't dirt poor like 'Bama or Mississippi.

JaMarcus sat out his first year as a redshirt, eatin' all the Cajun-spiced crayfish in the world and sittin' on his bum, then tryin' the weed along with his purple drank. He didn't pick up the weed though, strangely enough, but his crazy good metabolism let him stay slim. His first couple years actually playing, he was okay. Then he got a loaded team his junior year and JaMarcus got away with slingin' da rock like crack rock all over the field cause his receivers caught everything.

JaMarcus even won the Sugar Bowl with LSU that year, won Sugar Bowl MVP! Then he decided to declare early for the draft, thinkin' he good enough for them pros off one stupid-lucky year.

The biggest heist in NFL history

JaMarcus had such a big arm that Al Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, fell head over heels for that rocket arm. Never mind the fact he fell asleep in meetings. Never mind that other teams warned Davis not to draft him. Davis, who had become somewhat senile, drafted JaMarcus first overall in 2007 against the advice of everyone even his coaches and GM, listening to Mel Kiper glaze JaMarcus for his "big fat arm and big fat physical specimen".

Once drafted, JaMarcus didn't show up for training camp, any team meetings aside from getting his jersey, and even half the season. Even today, it's hard to even know if the brotha was intentionally holding out for more money, or if he slept in every day. Either way, JaMarcus won a contract so fat, it took up 99.999999% of the Raiders' salary cap for the next 6-7 years, no cap. He got so much dough, he had extra dough to spend on ginormous trucks, bling bling, throwin' parties, and hoes. Even stole some poor college football player's girlfriend at the club by "makin' it rain."

So JaMarcus got all the money from Al Davis simply by sitting on his ass, leaving everyone else to play for free. No one else liked that, so Davis fired everyone, including head coach Lane Kiffin, and hired a bunch of fast hoodlums off the Oakland streets to play with JaMarcus for the price of a pizza, an In-N-Out burger, and some of JaMarcus's famous purple drank.

Seemed like a bargain at the time, but as the NFL world would see in the next two seasons, it would go up in smoke. In fact, it's hard to prove Lane Kiffin right, pretty much only Al Davis could do that.

JaMarcus reacting to how much he staaaaanks in the pros!

The biggest man playing QB in NFL history

JaMarcus got so hyped up after a good stretch that second year.. that he celebrated by chowing down, partying, gang banging, drinking dat draaaank, and chowing down. Then his uncle died and he dealt with it.. by telling no one and chowing down.

When training camp rolled around, JaMarcus was so fat he was bigger than his left and right offensive guards. He got so fat he sacked himself after two steps, crushed the foundations of the already crumbling Oakland Colliseum, and created a literal black hole in the Raiders' black hole. In fact, JaMarcus so fat, he was the black hole. A black hole of snacks, a snack hole.

And you know what black holes do? They suck. JaMarcus sucked so much, they had to play 41 year old Jeff Garcia in his stead.

And ya know how you're already falling asleep reading this article that the author just haaaaad to put down humor and that quirky Alabama drawl to keep y'all interested? JaMarcus sucked so much, he played as bad as you been reading!

In fact, y'all been poppin' so much Xanax and scrollin' so much TikTok brainrot, playin' so much Roblox that it haaaard to read for y'all, I bet! JaMarcus so fat and trippin' on so much purple stuff that he playin' baaaaad, but better than y'all attention span! Or maybe JaMarcus been projecting on y'all.

Anyways, the author finna be movin' on, gotta have better attention span than JaMarcus did at every pre-draft interview or team meeting..

The biggest downfall in NFL history

Does this guy look like someone who wasn't gonna get fooled by JaMarcus?

Not only did JaMarcus gaining all that weight bite the Raiders in the ass, but also the fact there was a skeleton crew of a team supporting the hefty "quarterback", due to Al Davis literally grabbing anyone off the streets, callin' all the local prisons for inmates, to play offensive line, running back, and defense. The Raiders couldn't even pay Jeff Garcia and had to cut him. The receivers were fast per Al Davis's preference, but all they could do was run go-routes and stab people, resulting in their immediate arrests.

JaMarcus complained that he had no support.. but with a contract as hefty as his weight, the Raiders simply did not have the means to form a real team. However, this was proven moot when Luke McCown, who was paid a week's worth of doughnuts to fill in for Garcia, was called off the bench and automatically did better than JaMarcus.

When JaMarcus showed up 300 pounds heavier the next year at OTAs, the Raiders' GM stepped in and cut his ass against Al Davis's protests. When Davis and Russell claimed racism, the GM signed Jason Campbell, another black QB, and the Raiders did so much better, proving this moot.

Al Davis eventually came to and realized what he did to JaMarcus Russell. He got so heartbroken that he died of a broken-ass heart shortly after, leaving his bowl-cut-sporting son Mark in charge. Meanwhile, JaMarcus was so bummed, he dealt with it by eating everything at the local Golden Corral to deal with it. He ingested so much food and sipped on so much Sizzurp that he created a new gravitational singularity and collected all the Infinity Stones, which he thought were Jolly Ranchers to add into his Sizzurp. To this day, no one knows if JaMarcus did it on purpose or by accident. But either way, JaMarcus caused such a big ruckus that the Avengers themselves had to be called in to arrest him.

Whachu mean, these things ain't candy?? Or drugs?? So JaMarcus can't eat 'em?

But man, could you imagine if JaMarcus actually ate those Infinity Stones with his purple drank? He'd be unstoppable. Damn those Avengers. They hatin' on JaMarcus too!

Life after the biggest heist.. and downfall in NFL history

JaMarcus somehow got off scott-free after his arrest for making the Infinty Stone-laced-purple drank. But no other team would sign him, so he ventured back to Alabama.

However, because of all that money he earned and despite coming close to bankruptcy, JaMarcus still lived like a king, just by virtue of being in Alabama. Good thing he ain't stayin' in California or New York though, cause those states would eat up all his money in the form of greedy politician scumbags taxes.

The biggest comeback attempt in NFL history

After three years, JaMarcus Russell claimed to have gotten his head on straight and wanted to come back to the league, so he made a ginormous social media post about how ginormous he had become, and that he'd have to lose a ginormous amount of weight so he could play again.

JaMarcus coulda kept it all private, but he made a big fat deal out of it. Well, he did get Jeff Garcia to help him out again and actually lost all that weight and looked good again! He then sent emails out to all 32 teams asking for a tryout, and only the Chicago Bears answered due to having the apathetic Jay Cutler at the helm.

Then JaMarcus got shin splints one week before the tryout, then stopped trying. He thought the tryout meant he made the team! But his workout was a joke and Da Bears signed Trent Edwards instead, only to cut him a week after.

JaMarcus could have made more money had he gone to The Biggest Loser to lose his weight instead.

3 years later he kept spamming every team asking for a chance to play for free, only to be marked as spam and ignored. JaMarcus has not attempted to come back since, then wrote a puff piece about himself and why he deserves everything. 'Cuz life so hard, ya know?

The biggest bust in NFL history

“Im'ma bust in yo mouth”

– JaMarcus on being called a bust

And no, he ain't got one of them busts in Canton. He buuuuuuusted.

JaMarcus Russell busted so much and so hard, he might have overtaken Ryan Leaf as the biggest bust. He busted so hard, every team stayed away from the "big arm, big body" quarterback prospects in the draft, causing everyone to avoid big guys like Brock Osweiler, Paxton Lynch, Trey Lance, Cam Newton, Josh Allen, and Drake Maye. Only that the last three ended up somewhat good.

JaMarcus busted so hard, the NFL decided to limit rookie contracts to a paltry size. Ain't no unproven rookie getting a JaMarcus-sized contract anymore. No matter where they got drafted. Even Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, Tua Tagovailoa, Josh Allen and Albert Haynesworth had to prove it. Therefore JaMarcus the last of his kind.

The biggest scammer in highschool football history

After his NFL comeback failed and no one would take him on for free, JaMarcus went back to high school and finished his diploma for real. He also ballooned the fuck back up to 600 pounds and then volunteered to coach his old high school team for free.

It worked out well, then JaMarcus asked for some money to help da bois play football better. It worked.. then JaMarcus cashed the money in his otherwise-bankrupt bank account! No one knows if he stole the money or cashed it in the wrong bank account. Either way, the fat man ran away with that money.

Personal life.. and the biggest sob story in history

JaMarcus Russell has had it hard, not like hard-hittin' on the field, but outside of football JaMarcus has had a hard life. So before anyone goes makin' any wack ass statements about da boy's character, jus remember he talks hard, acts hard, gets hard, and is intentionally hard to work with cuz he's had it hard, k? In fact, JaMarcus is the only pro football player who's had it hard. In fact, JaMarcus is the only pro athlete who's had it hard. In fact, JaMarcus is the only person who's had it hard. He has it so hard, he couldn't talk about it. But now he talk about it all the time, now that folks care about the mental health. JaMarcus need all the mental health, ya dig?

JaMarcus Russell also loved the purple stuff so much, it gave him epiphanies. He got so many epiphanies, he even saw blitz packages on a blank DVD Lane Kiffin gave him to study. So JaMarcus got misunderstood. He always get misunderstood. You don't understand.

People also sayin' JaMarcus still stuck in the past, stuck in his college glory days in the mid-2000s. Just like the author still stuck in the past, still stuck harpin' on JaMarcus like it's 2010, when his current life ain't goin' nowhere. Y'all may see this JaMarcus article still readin' like it written back in 2011. Well since JaMarcus ain't goin' no where and keep makin' exuses, wrote that Players' Tribune article on himself to keep on makin' excuses, the author get a free pass to keep on makin' exuses. Y'all just haters and don't understand.

See also

• Marshawn Lynch - JaMarcus Russell's bat fuck insane cousin who got drafted the same year as him but actually did something with his career, like win a Super Bowl and.. y'know, become one of the best running backs of all time
• Josh Allen - who JaMarcus could have been if he actually tried
• Rex Grossman - another big arm QB who wasn't Josh Allen, but still got to a Super Bowl. Another dude who JaMarcus could have been if he actually tried
• J. P. Losman - yet another big arm QB who sucked, but still had better stats. Also who JaMarcus could have been had he tried.
• You, a McDonald's employee who plays flag football on the weekend. Oh, and you program the McDonalds kiosks so you have it good, you nerd. Also someone who JaMarcus could have been if he tried
• Lean (drug) - what JaMarcus is
• Josh Rosen - essentially JaMarcus, but rich, Jewish, privileged, and without the dead relatives or purple drank addiction

Biggest external links in history

• JaMarcus Russell's career "highlights" played with his favorite song
• The Blank DVD story
• Practically creating JaMarcus in Madden
• Russell, JaMarcus. "My excuse for being a lazy bum and why you should feel sorry for me." The Player's Tribune