HowTo:Make a prank phone call
Briiing bring bring bring... Briiing bring bring bring... click
"Hello...? Who's calling? Hello?"
"hehehe wait shut up shut up"
"Who's there! Tell me who this is right this minute!"
"Uhhhh... this is uh... the refrigerator repair shop. And uhhh... we were wondering if well, uhhh, if your refrigerator is running? hehehe dude i can't believe you're actually doing it-"
"Well, let me check... Yes it's running just fine, why do you ask?"
"Well you better go catch it ahahaha. Like its running away from you. Do you get it? dude don't explain the joke to him what are you doing"
"Damn rapscallions! Idiot youths! This is why I will rue my nemesis Alexander Graham Bell until the day I die! Damn you!!!!!!!!"
Hi, it's me, Vince Shlomi with ShamWow!
Just kidding, but you believed me, right? This is exactly the level of hollywood magic that I am going to share with you here today. Now let's say you have a neighbor. Let's say this guy's name is, oh I don't know, Nicholas Monty Buchanan at 1080 Fountain Drive, Bethlehem, Tennessee. Let's say it's been a warm and humid spring and summer is about to be even hotter, and this asshole Nick mows his lawn every day at 5 am, right when you're finally starting to fall asleep after another night of misery playing Fortnite duos.
Pretty shitty situation, right? Well what if I told you there's a quick and easy solution to your problem? This technique will turn your life around, and its older than you or me, or anyone alive. It's simple, its efficient, and it's beautiful:
The prank phone call.
Types of prank phone call
The Funny Name
The most classic prank phone call technique was invented by Bartholomew J. Simpson, in Dinosaur times, or whenever that show we shall not name started airing. The technique is simple: call your victim, typically a bartender or other such public-facing office, like a grocery store or restaurant, and ask them if an individual possessing a funny name is there. The script usually runs as follows:
"Hello, this is J.J.'s Bar and Grill, my name is Nick, how can I help you?"
"Yes, hello, I was wondering if there was a Mrs. Talls sitting at your bar? First name Jenny."
"Well I don't know, let me go ask... Is there a Mrs. Talls here? Mrs. Jenny Talls? Wait a second... genitals... what is this, some kind of PRANK PHONE CALL?????"
Well that bartender sure got owned! There are plenty of variations on the name, some of which are listed below:
- Seymour is a very useful first name; Seymour Buttz, Seymour Nuts, Seymour Dick, etc.
- Mike Rotch
- I. P. Freely
- Al Coholic
- Anita P.
- Hugh Jass
- Holden Bals
- My P. I., Ness
- Myah Sole
- Itsumi Mario
The Dementia Grandma
This technique is best for reusability, however it requires considerable acting skills. The idea, however, is straightforward. It starts by calling the victim repeatedly, pretending to be a dementia grandma whose relative used to have their phone number. You can do this once, twice, or a hundred times, and it works every time, as long as your victim continues to believe you are really a dementia grandma. A typical prank call following this technique might read like this:
"Hello, who is this?"
"Jamie it's me, your grandma Linda. Why don't you ever visit me any more?"
"My name isn't Jamie, this is Nick. I think you have the wrong number."
"Don't be silly I have this number written down right here on my Windows Vista computer next to my landline. Who is this? Did you steal Jamie's new Nokia? We just bought that! It's 1999! Will you take me to see the World Trade Center, Jamie?"
"Okay listen lady-"
"What?! Where am I... who is this! What's going on... oh no! I am having another episode! Ahhhh!"
You can also be infinite dementia grandmas. One day it can be Jamie's grandma, and the next Tony's mom, and the next Sarah's aunt. All that matters is that you sell the dementia long enough to waste the victim's time, and remind them that dementia exists and is scary, ruining their day.
The Celebrity Hate Call
This technique depends on a certain level of acting capability, and requires the caller to assume the identity of the victim's favorite celebrity. However, you cannot reveal that you are not that celebrity, as that would ruin the prank. Instead, this technique hinges on the celebrity hating the victim, their biggest fan.
"Hello, this is Nick."
"Hallo this is Björk Guðmundsdóttir fröm the Sugarcubes, yöur favörite bånd."
"Oh my god you're right that is my favorite band! I'm such a huge fan of your solo stuff too Bjork."
"Eurhm it ees actually pro-nounsed Björk, not Bjork."
"That's what I said. Bjork."
"Nö yöu åre såying it wröng. It ees Björk. Björk Guðmundsdóttir."
"I don't hear the difference, we're saying it the same way. Maybe it's your phone glitching out?"
"Mye resceptiön here in íceland ees fine, it ees probåply an issue ön yöur eend."
"No I don't think so, I live right by a 5G tower."
"Hwhy åre yöu being so årgumentative. This is the wörst fån inteeråctscion I håf ever håd. I håte yöu, Nick Buchanan."
"No Bjork! I love you! Noooooo!"
A properly done celebrity hate call can cripple an individual's ego for weeks, even months, and send them into a spiral of confusion and self-hatred. With this in mind, use this technique with discretion.
The Reverse 9-1-1 Call
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This technique is more advanced, and can incur serious damage if incorrectly carried out. However, the panic it causes in the victim is well worth it. The idea is that the caller pretends to be 9-1-1 dispatch following up on a call which implicated a serious crime. An example script can be found below, however this technique is heavily reliant on the caller's ability as an actor and improvisor, and should only be attempted by professional pranksters.
"Go for Nick."
"Hello is this Nick Buchanan at 1080 Fountain Drive?
"Yes, who is this?"
"This is the Bethlehem Police Department, my name is Officer Talls, I am following up on a call we just received from your address."
"Oh, I didn't call you?"
"No sir. Someone else called us and remained silent, however dispatch could overhear sounds of possible domestic abuse, battery or assault. I am calling to inform you that BPD are filing for a warrant unless you provide verbal confirmation now that you will allow our officers to enter your home freely—"
"Hold on what? What are you saying? You can't—"
"Sir— sir please—"
"No this is ridiculous, there's not even anyone else here, I live alone!"
"Sir if you do not calm down I will be forced—"
"Calm down? How can I be calm this is very distressing, I've been getting all these prank phone calls already and now this—"
"Sir the warrant is being processed and two squad cars will be on their way to your address shortly."
If performed on a neighbor, follow up this prank by knocking on their door an hour or two later. It'll give them a good scare!
The Bomb Threat
WARNING! This is the single most advanced prank call technique that exists, and should never ever be attempted, unless it's really, really, really funny. After priming your victim with prank phone calls for weeks and setting their nerves on a razor's edge, this call can be the perfect finale, and is sure to set that bastard right for whatever they did to you. Again: NEVER DO THIS. But if you do, it should sound something like this:
"Hello, this is the Bethlehem County Mental Hospital, how can I help you?"
"Hello, I'd like to speak to one of the patients please, could you connect me to my son, Nick Buchanan?"
"Yes, please hold."
...
"Hello this is Nick. Is that you calling, mom? I'm doing pretty good, the doctors say my nerves are getting better and I'll be out in a month."
"This is a terrorist. There's a nuclear bomb in the hospital that's going to go off in fifteen minutes. Only you can save everyone. Don't ask why we are doing this, we are nihilists, we believe in nothing."
"Noooo! No one will ever believe me! I'm a patient! Nooooooooo!"
Simple, succinct, and effective. There was never a bomb, but your victim doesn't know that, and it will drive them crazy, ensuring their total demise. Again, don't do this. Really. You shouldn't. It's illegal and not funny. But that Nick guy had it coming.
What not to do
When prank calling, NEVER do any of the following:
- NEVER: Give up on the prank and admit your identity. You have to commit.
- NEVER: Let them get you back. If you're in a prank war, you have to end it.
- NEVER: Try to do a prank video call. It doesn't work, the disguises fail and they can always tell, unless the victim has a degenerative memory disease.
- NEVER: Tell someone you prank-phone-called them. That's how I ended up circumcised :(
- NEVER: Prank call a McDonalds. They'll kill you.
That's pretty much it. Now get out there and start prank calling!
