HowTo:Become A Rapist
Welcome to the exciting world of rape! Here are the basic steps for becoming a successful rapist.
I want you to wake up each morning with a twinkle in your eye. Be proud of who you are. Say to your imaginary girlfriend "Hillary, I love my job!" and trust in your ability to be the best at it. Get ready mentally to face new challenges and meet new 'friends', put in some quality exercise time to keep your body in shape, and check the voltage on your personality to make sure it's powered up and ready to go.
Well, Golly, who should I rape?
Choosing a victim group is a simple yet usually underestimated consideration. Some noob rapists are concerned that their "victim group" may form their M.O., and make it easier for the authorities to profile them. That concern is easily outweighed by the simple fact that you can get rapin' quicker once you figure out what constituent, ah, who to rape. Some people even decide to rape innocent (or occasionally guilty) wiki articles, but they tend to quickly disappear without a trace.
As you know, women are begging for it, and despite their pleas to the contrary really do want it. Everyone knows that when a woman says "no", she doesn't really mean it! Still, potential 'victims' will not usually stand before you like a buffet (they do have their pride, you know). So to play it safe at the start, and to find out what your tastes are, be sure to pick a broad victim group. Young children, teenagers, stay-at-home moms, pizza delivery girls, old ladies, early morning joggers, illegal immigrants, or your sister's friends all have their fans. Pick a few of those to start with. But while variety is the spice of life, advanced rapists often choose to narrow down to a more specific group. Note: No matter what group you end up with, perfect the manly arts of jumping out of bushes, arm-pinning, opening lines ("Scream and I'll mark up that pretty face" scores high in our chatroom discussions), and forced serenades.
A good place to rape is in a dog park, because humans are never there. Another great place to rape a child or that special teen diva with a scent of bubblegum on her breath is in the alley behind the local ice cream shop, candy store, or pet shop, although some devil-may-care professionals prefer to "git-er-done" right in the establshment's front window. But you wanna know something? For a tried-and-true method, consider using a vacant house. Store whatever you like to use on a rape 'victim' in that house and you will be good to go (:
How do I actually do the raping bit?
Develop a method and steady your nerves. This is especially important for beginner rapists. After all, if your 'victim' tells their friends that you fumbled around, talked about your mother, used a condom, or tried to kiss her, that will just be embarrassing. What are you, a wimpy high-school nerd fumbling with your 'date's' bra strap after hitting her over the head with a brick? So man up. Take some pride in your work. Because rape is easy when you have the know-how. Here's a short "Rape For Dummies" teaching guide:
Much talk has been devoted to surprise rapes, but that's for amateurs. The professional approach not only depends on the makeup of your target group but on developing a pleasing personality. Luring 'victims' into the back of your van, plying them with rohypnol-laced drinks, using candy and stuffed animals as bait, or the ever-popular offer to change their bedpan are all effective strategies. It's best to downplay your intentions; potential 'victims' may get a bit skittish if you bring up your entertaining hidden-agenda too soon in the conversation. So avoid saying things like, "Whaddya think about me raping you honey? Ya into that?", or "Tell me your favorite rape fantasy". Save it until the mood is right for both of you.
Overpowering your new friend
Drugs are quiet and leave no marks (unless you choose to administer them while she's playing unconscious). Nonviolent weapons like chocolate are almost always enough to do the job, and are an effective and culturally accepted form of social pressure. Alternatively, if it is someone you already know, who likes you and doesn't want to turn you in, simply physically block the door to prevent their escape. If they don't scream, it isn't rape.
The rape itself
Come on, both of you kids just have a little fun. Oral, vaginal, anal, or just do their mouth, but otherwise it's your choice. But be practical in terms of lubrication, sharp teeth, dentures, or braces. If she doesn't enjoy it, do it again, and see if you can improve your technique. If she starts to moan during the rape, moan back at her, she'll like that, and if you talk dirty to her you may just turn her moans into screams. See, she loves it. What a turn on!
Further tips of the trade
Ben Franklin's advice that "The more the merrier" comes into play here. Use a car or a van, because vehicle-based abductions provide some privacy and also allow you to drop off your 'victims' in the middle of nowhere (but if it's a chilly night don't leave them wandering the woods without a coat, you're not a monster for God's sake).
Rape should always be impromptu, spontaneous, and fun for the victim, but you should always plan ahead and surprise her with an experience she'll remember!
Avoid getting caught
Make sure you don't leave any hairs, DNA, or fingerprints. If you feel the urge to disperse your semen, and who doesn't, then do it, clean it up, and remind her that you know where she lives. This should impress upon her that you really do care, and she won't hesitate to brag about you to the 'authorities'.
But you shouldn't brag about your own work, someone might punk you out for the reward money. Besides, you don't want any poser to copy your signature moves, and believe me, they will.
Remember, call your lawyer (: or alternatively, don't. That way, you can be on both the giving and the receiving end in prison.
The Masters of the Craft
We should honor those who came before us and study their techniques. Seek them out if they're still alive, and ask them to accept you as an apprentice.