Custard funk spankers
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“If you want to see spanking live - these are the guys.”
Not to be confused with: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Custard_(band)
The Custard Funk Spankers are a British Funk Skiffle combo from Dav in the British Midlands. Originally envisaged as "Blancmange Bong", the members consisted of Aaaaaron L, Graaaaah Gra, Citrus Ray and Michelle MouldyNuts. The band all sing with no-one playing any instruments, except for Graaaaah who may play the Sonos from time to time. Band folklore says that Ray had a seizure after a long gong session and left the band acrimoniously to work for a citrus company. Aaaaaaron is the main songwriter, mostly writing odes to his beard. The other members try to pitch in too. Michelle typed up a couple of songs about his love of the yellow liquid called Strip the skin off me custard and Girls Like That (Don't Go For blancmange), a subtle dig at Graaaaah that didn't go unnoticed. Otherwise, everyone sniffs the yellow powder and waits for Aaaaron to produce his juice. Notable works are found on the soundtrack to the Bio-pic Get the funk outta my cloud, with hit songs from Smack my Birds(custard) up including Stop Funking with the Funkin' Aircon. and Escalate and Die. Their hardcore fan base is responsible for creating a sub-culture that dresses completely in Azure coloured jackets and are known as The Bluecoats.
Early days (Mid 90's) : Blancmange Bong[edit | edit source]
The band was originally formed by Graaaaaah in the early 1990s before the other band members were born. Graaaaah was a Blancmange user at the time and formed a conceptual proto-band Blancmange Bong. Ultimately the Group coalesced around the love of Custard, Funk, yellow powder and Spanking and was renamed accordingly. By the time Aaaaron had grown a beard Citrus Ray had perfected gong spanking (over 222 bpm) and Michelle was moulding nuts well into shape.
Smack my Birds(custard) up‼[edit | edit source]
The Custard's debut major-label album Smack my Birds(custard) up‼ was issued in 1998. The video for the first single, Aloha Gonganista / Hello Ray a goodbye song to Citrus Ray, was the only Custard video to ever get played on MTV. The video, set alongside a pool, featured band members pretending to be Custard, while fans frolic around slurping them up. It was directed by Michelle MollyNuts and Delia Smith during their Custard Psycho-Delia fashion phase. After filming, the band were held in custody for possession of yellow power. All charges later dropped.
Success in the new Millenium[edit | edit source]
In 2010, after separating and congealing many times, the ensemble received the public vote for Golden Poop award for ironic sales in a non-existent Genre. The band initially refused the award for fear of criticism of "selling out". But they needed the money, so accepted it before anyone changed their minds.
"They are a Funkin' sell-out‼ I never got my name engraved on any golden poops‼" -Ray, who was no longer in the band due to his gong related seizure.
"This yellow power doesn't buy itself we need the moolah‼" -Graaaah.
"Sell out - my Nuts‼" -Michelle.
"It's all thanks to me, automating my dialup modem to dial our voter number!" -Aaaaaron.
Shortly afterwards the group disbanded yet again over an egg-related incident just as their single "I can't cut the custard anymore" was released.
The Band Reforms for a farewell World Tour[edit | edit source]
In early 2019 Citrus Ray returned to the Spankers after a dispute with Del Monté a high profile citrus purveyor which ended Ray's citrus experimentation. In a BBC Food magazine interview, Ray was reported as saying "Custard is my home, citrus has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Del Monté is a charlatan. I'm back on the scene baby boomchakka!". In another interview with drumdojo.com Ray revealed the historic seizures were in fact due to a long-standing allergy to blancmange and he was now looking forward to Gong Spanking once again. To facilitate the world tour an additional member was added to the restored line up - Adam Jimson. As Aaaaaron explained, " Jimson doesn't play anything but he did build a studio in his barn so our future tracks might include chickens and he does have a cool VW camper with a split screen and we needed a tour bus, because when Ray returned he made us all buy electric vehicles, so none of can travel very far before we go flat - a bit bollocks really!"
Moving in a new direction The Spankers have collaborated with Underworld on a new track called Custard Speed Talk a chilled-out perspective on being under the skin of the custard bowl of life - "It makes a change from singing about lager lager lager lager" said Karl Hyde.
"The funk returns to the Spankers with Ray's style of putting emphasis on the 1st beat allowing the band to return to their syncopated style putting the lumps back into the custard." Reported Funk Magazine.
Founding member and main lyricist Aaaaaaron leaves the Spankers[edit | edit source]
During the Lockdown of early 2020 when the band were unable to meet due to social distancing and a lack of toilet rolls, Aaaaaaron announced the Juice would flow no more informing the rest of the band that "Custard is not where it's at baby", and he was inventing a whole new electro(cution) style with his beat-combo The Tazerz. The band members were reportedly shocked "I am Shocked" said Mike Molly, "I am shocked, but if he ever wants to put electrodes into my lemons he will always be welcomed back." said Citrus Ray, "I can promote us now instead!" said Adam Jimson whilst isolated in the back of his camper. Graaah was unavailable for consultation.
Singles[edit | edit source]
- "Aloha Gonganista (Hello Ray)"
- "Shape this Packet, Baby!!"
- "Girls Like That (Don't Go For Blancmange)"
- "Stop Funkin' with the Funkin' aircon"
- "Fastidious Boondoggle"
- "You Lucky Custard!"
- "Strip the skin of me custard"
- ”I like Birds (custard)" / "Custard Cleech" - Double A-side
- "I Feel Like a Custard Cream"
- "With my Head (Coming Fass)" - https://soundcloud.com/rabidbaby/wmh-cfs Based on https://youtu.be/KCQxd_m2Rhk
- "I can't cut the custard anymore!"
- "Aloha Gonganista (Hello Ray)" - reissue
- "Custard Speed Talk" - with Underworld
- "(I'm so) Dizzy/ Barmanicious"
Studio Albums[edit | edit source]
- Smack my Birds (custard) up‼
- Dunc, My Custard Cream‼
- Yellow Sticky Love‼
- Come Back Ray, All Is Forgiven
- Mouldy Nuts in the corner - Recording Banned in Sweden due to the mistranslation "Möglig Testikelhörn"
- Ode to my Love Beard‼ - Greatest Hits Cream of Custard - Download only
- Looting in Luton in a VW Camper Van
Alternate Spanking (Member activity outside of the group)[edit | edit source]
Graaaaaah now also performs solo in a simpler stripped-down style returning to his love of blancmange and Viking lore.
Michelle Molly has founded a new techno collective called The Packet Shaperzzz hosting Raves in a disused IKEA store in Sweden.
Aaaaron has written an autobiographical account entitled "I was a teenage Custard Spank Funker" and a series of self-help books:
- Yellow Powder is not the answer!!
- Seriously, it's not the answer when you can't remember the question!!
- The definitive guide to V.90/V.92 dial-up modems.
- Blancmange isn't the answer either!!
- Custard Tarts a photographic collection of fandom.
- Poems about my Beard Volume1.
- How to de-rust a VW Camper.
Adam Jimson Continues his ongoing legal dispute with the VW corporation arguing the point that his VW is not, in fact, a People's Car as it is, in fact, a bloody van and is too expensive for most people.