Canning town

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Canning Town is a location in London wedged between the River Thames and England's most popular dogging spot, Fuckingham. Its levels of violence are considered to be lower-than-average for East London as a result of the largest proportions of murders being against homeless people, and homeless people are of course not counted in crime statistics unless they are the perpetrators. A minimum wealth of 50 groats is required to matter to the Canning Town council since they spend the majority of their work-hours whacking delinquent rats with skillets and chucking gallons of white spirit on old ladies who've inevitably been set on fire, as is custom for the area, meaning they have little time for poor people.

Cleanliness and Hygiene[edit]

The ritual of washing and brushing one's teeth is seen as a heretical act in East London, but especially in Canning Town. To be caught doing this is to be met with a so-called 'street court' in which the judge and jury both are selected at random by throwing a rabid dog into a crowd and seeing who it bites first. Oscar Wilde was once jauntily skipping down the street brandishing his customary cane and the town's local elected Nitwit accused him of being insufficiently dirty to enter his domain. A mob soon grew and encompassed several streets in diameter. Oscar Wilde attempted to communicate with the crowd but was unable to muster their dialect and was soon forced to join their orgy as punishment. It is said that this is why Oscar Wilde turned gay.

Canning Town is named as such due to the number of discarded beer and cider containers that litter the streets, drain pipes and sewer cysterns. The new tenements due to be constructed in 2023 are to be built entirely out of reclaimed aluminium partially as a result of this, but mostly because Kronenberg paid the council a large amount of money to get the council to advertise using their cans' aluminium, most of which went on purchasing more beer for the bourgeoisie in power, thereby perpetuating the cycle.

Local Politics[edit]

Canning Town was a pilot scheme in the UK to see if anarchism could work. The internal review over the experiment is not available to the public but it is said it was mostly filled with expletives before it was blown up in a low-yield atomic blast to ensure it would never make it to the eyes of the average citizen. Incidentally, the nuclear blast was actually detonated in Canning Town itself, since the powers that be assumed nobody would think there was anything unusual about a 20-kiloton nuclear explosion in Canning Town, even after witnessing their dog being vaporised before their very eyes - and the authorities were indeed correct. As a result of its anarchist ideology, Canning Town does not have a hierarchical structure like most constituences in the UK, instead relying on mob rule and games of dice to determine policy on waste pickup schedules and where yellow lines should be, which is incidentally never and nowhere, respectively, according to the inhabitants. Some communes have developed with a rudimentary rule of law and dacorum but these are few and far between and often have to be protected by armed guards due to the frequent attacks by a race of scrappy bandit-children who self-identify as 'The Little Pricks'.

430 Barking Road[edit]

430 Barking Road is a squat a well-dressed space hippie community reside in, the building previously being used to host both a community centre and a dwarf brothel. Many assume they come from within England's many famously-dysfunctional families but the truth is much more mysterious and complicated. The inhabitants of this commune in fact originate from a star system in Ursa Major. They were intending to use The Sun as a refuelling pitstop on the way to Betelgeuse but came upon a transmission from Earth disconcerting enough that they assumed an alien attack had rendered us defenceless and in need of help. In fact, what they were hearing may have been indistinguishable from abject horror to them but is actually enjoyed by many on Earth, that being the new hit single by Cardi B, WAP. Unfortunately, they landed in Canning Town and their spaceship was scrapped for parts by enterprising children before the crew could even say "how do you do?"

The group who live there are currently constructing a replacement spacecraft made from whatever they can find on the street so it is mostly built from beer cans, wood they borrowed from a construction site during the night and discarded condoms. They have also built a robot android helper to assist them on their travels. He is called Steven.