Apple Park

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Apple Park is a giant donut which doubles as the headquarters of Apple Inc., located in Cupertino, California at One Apple Park Way. Construction began in 2014, and employees began moving in in 2017, while construction was not yet finished. (In unrelated news, an employee was struck by a sheet of glass and killed at around this time.) Apple Park was criticized by the media for its glass, steel, and concrete build; journalists claimed that "donuts made of these materials are often less appetizing[citation needed] than donuts made of fried dough" and that "Apple Park is more of a spaceship than a donut."

Artist's rendition of Apple Park

Apple's former headquarters were located at One Infinite Loop Two Infinite Loop Three Infinite Loop Four Infinite Loop Five Infinite Loop Six Infinite Loop One Infinite Loop. According to some rumors, Apple moved out of their former campus due to software engineers located in the building experiencing slow and crashing computers from a virus that injected badly constructed for statements into their code.

History[edit]

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Those self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Apple Park.

The original designs for Apple Park were conceived in 2006, when Apple acquired nine properties to build a new headquarters. Over the next five years, Steve Jobs, Apple's designer Jony Ive, and architect Norman Foster worked hard to design a door handle for the new campus. A month after the door handles were designed, the company brought their plans for total world domination Apple Park to the Cupertino City Council. In 2013, after a debate, the Council approved Apple's plans, and Apple demolished all buildings on the nine properties and began construction.

Glendenning Barn[edit]

One of Apple's properties contained a historical barn that was protected under Cupertino's laws. Therefore, under the city's approval, Apple snapped the barn into pieces, moved them across the site, and Scotch-taped them together. The barn is now used to store secret weapons tools for maintenance same difference.

Design[edit]

Greenery[edit]

Steve Jobs stated that he wanted to make the Park similar to a nature refuge, as opposed to a donut. Therefore, Apple planted all of their trees in perfectly straight rows, and maintained them constantly. Critics bemoaned Apple for choosing oak trees, as "it ruins the flavor and texture of the donut… However, we appreciate the many fruit trees that give flavor to what would otherwise have been an unappetizing mess."

Recipe[edit]

How to make a perfect Apple Park[edit]

Ingredients[edit]
  • 175 acres of land
  • Lots of steel
  • Lots of sand
  • Lots of concrete
  • Lots of plants
  • Lots of grass seed
  • Dirt
  • Oil (motor)
  • Slaves Workers
    • Note: "lots" is to be taken literally. Additional land may be needed if you are unwilling to place your lots on the land you will be using in the recipe.
Procedure[edit]
  1. Prepare the sand.
    1. Melt sand in a furnace
    2. Mold sheets of glass, 1 to 2 inches thick.
  2. Make the donut.
    1. In a XXXXXXXXXL mixing bowl, stir together steel, glass, and concrete.
    2. Shape mixture into a loose ring.
    3. Heat oil in a XXXXXXXXXL vat to begin frying.
    4. Dip donut into oil, being careful not to burn yourself.
    5. After 2 months or until golden gray, remove donut from oil and place gently on a city.
  3. Plate the donut.
    1. Cover the land with dirt.
      1. Create a small hut with the remaining dirt.
      2. Stop playing Minecraft and get back to work.
    2. Scatter dirt with grass seed and wait until grass is fully grown.
    3. Using a knife, carefully scratch grooves in the land to create a spot for the donut to sit.
    4. Gently place the donut into the grooves.
      1. You may want to use a catapult for this step.
    5. Again using your catapult, populate the land with workers.
  • Tips
    • To quickly heat the vat, simply place any computer with large vents under the vats and play Minecraft for five seconds. This will heat up to a few gigaliters of oil.
    • To make the donut more resemble the original Apple Park, mix gently and attempt to create structure in the building.
    • Feel free to garnish the park with money-hungry execs, ponds, and a barn.
What your donut might look like. Don’t worry. This is normal.