Aeneas
“Behold, my totally original creation”
– Virgil about the Aeneid
“He's the biggest motherfucker ever”
– Dido, Goth mommy of Carthage
“A true hero”
Aeneas (/ᵻˈniːəs/) was a Trojan hero, the son of the Trojan prince Anchises and the Greek baddie Aphrodite. His father was the former roommate of the weed dealer of the first cousin of King Priam of Troy (even though both were not smoking weed themselves), making Aeneas a certified bad influence to Priam's children (such as Hector and Paris). He is a minor character in Greek History and is mentioned in Homer's Iliad. Aeneas is much more famous in Roman history, most extensively in Virgil's Aeneid, where it's revealed he is an ancestor of Romulus and Remus. He became the first true hero of Rome.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
Aeneas is the Romanization of his original Trojan name Αἰνείας (Aineías), which is Greek for terrible grief. That's because his smoking hot mom Aphrodite couldn't have sex during her pregnancy with him, which did cause her a lot of grief. This was heavily detailed by Homer who interviewed many eye-witnesses during his writing of the Iliad.
“Aphrodite didn't want to fuck me while preggo, which wasn't really strange as she doesn't fuck me anyway. To be honest, I don't know how she even got pregnant.”
– Hephaistos
Trojan History[edit | edit source]
Aeneas is generally accepted to not have really been important to Trojan history. This might be connected to his flight from burning Troy, but that's still a heavily debated topic amongst experts. While it's assumed he did fight during the war that took 10 years, it's near certain he didn't die or do many heroics. Unlike people like Paris or Achilles he was probably just telling Cassandra to finally shut up. According to recently discovered stone tablets in Troy, when Odysseus finally developed the old reliable "Giant wooden horse gift" strategy Aeneas was sleeping. Aphrodite wanted that her son would finally make something of himself and kicked him out of the house, together with his bum of a father and his young son. Not wanting to listen to Aphrodites continuous nagging the trio decides to leave Troy forever. This is all that Trojan history tells of Aeneas.
Carthages History[edit | edit source]
A while after leaving Troy, Aeneas history picks back up in Carthage of all places. It's not proven how he got there, all that's certain is that he, his family and a few other ships one day arrived in Carthage. At the time Carthage was just a small city, so everything out of the ordinary was recorded and due to his later importance for Rome, the entire history of Aeneas in Carthage was preserved. Thanks to that we know that after arriving, Aeneas was almost immediately welcomed by Queen Dido, a very busty goth mommy that originally came from Tyre, but left after getting tired of tire jokes. Dido was soon enamored with Aeneas imperceptible bulge (That's what the Carthaginian tablets say, it was considered attractive at the time) and invited him to stay. Aeneas accepted the invitation and soon a romance blossomed. According to unconfirmed Carthaginian sources the two got secretly married in a cave near the city, but the entry in the marriage register is missing, thus it's possible the two just consummated their loving relationship in that cave. Long story short with some godly interference Aeneas decided to leave Carthage to go to Italy to learn how to make pizza. Dido felt very betrayed by that took all of Aeneas stuff, built a giant pile and burned it. Oh and she jumped into the fire and vowed that Carthage would always hate Rome. Something that would eventually hurt her people very much.
Roman History[edit | edit source]
After getting out of Carthage and fulfilling his dream of becoming the best pizzaiolo in all of Italy, Aeneas decided to finally listen to his mother and go into politics. He won an election in Latium despite much voter fraud being performed by Juno. To settle once and for all who's fit to be the future leader of Latium him and his rival Turnus decide to duel each other in 5 challenges, proposed by the people. The Romans to this day perform those 5 challenges in order to elect their mayor, so we know a lot how and what the two did. The first challenge was spear throwing. Turnus won that with a distance of 30 stadia. Next up was the ritualistic honey trapping of the daughter of the previous ruler Lavinia. Aeneas won this easily and ended up marrying Lavinia. The third challenge was supposed to be a rowing contest, but due to bad weather they decided to hold an art contest, which caused Aeneas to gain the lead in the standings for his beautiful drawing of Sonic the Hedgehog. The fourth challenge was to outdrink Bacchus. While both challengers failed Aeneas was deemed the winner due to lasting longer. For generations afterwards much debate took place concerning allegations of Aeneas cheating. It wouldn't have mattered anyway as in the last challenge, the hand to hand combat, Aeneas won within 2 seconds by first kissing Turnus on the head and then pushing him to the ground. After this Aeneas became ruler of Latium. Later he would welcome Didos sister to Latium on a diplomatic visit who was very sorry about the behavior of Dido. Awe struck by Aeneas willingness to look past Didos hate, the sister of Dido committed suicide for some weird reason. However it's very possible that Aeneas actually just killed her and the roman historians didn't want him to look bad. The romans also say he became a god when he was old.
