Portal:Religion
Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Religion portal By far the holiest portal you will ever find.
CATEGORIES: Category:Atheism - Category:Christianity - Hinduism - Category:Islam - Category:Judaism - Category:God - Category:Gods - Category:Goddesses - Category:Magic - Category:Mythology - Religious Leaders - All... |
Highlighted Article
A Bar Mitzvah is an Aramaic term referring to a paternalistic Jewish religious ceremony dating back to ancient times. The purpose of the ceremony was not known until recently, when it was discovered Bar Mitzvahs were a way to exclude others in the community by pretending you knew something they didn't. Under the guise of "becoming a man," the 13-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy -- aka BM Boy -- would see how long he could make up gibberish words. This is because the only source of entertainment is watching the BM Boy blush while his voice cracks.
Archive | Article credit: AnalAlien | (more ) |
Highlighted Entity
Jerry Lamon Falwell, Sr. (August 11, 1933 – May 15, 2007) was an American fundamentalist Christian pastor and televangelist. He was the founding pastor of the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia in the Christian (big "C") nation of the United States of America. He founded Liberty University in 1971 and co-founded the Moral Majority in 1979.
Falwell led services at Thomas Road Baptist Church, a megachurch in Lynchburg, Virginia from 1956-2007. His Christ-centered leadership lead to the expansion of the church, with it eventually reaching gigachurch status...…
Archive | Article credit: Modusoperandi | (more...) |
Highlighted Image
Jesus loves Wisconsin, as seen in the movie Dogma.
|
Quote of the Week
— Any pirate on Captain Jesus.
Highlighted News
Listen to audio (file info) |
BNEI BRAK, Israel -- Local conservative rabbis are sick with worry, anxiety and unease at the increasing popularity of practical, comfortable fashions; more so even than the worry, anxiety and unease that causes their usual kvetching. After much bickering they have responded with the tact, sensitivity and delicate touch for which fundamentalists of all stripes are known; by burning down stores that sell offensive clothing and spraying bleach on women that Rabbi Yosef Elyashiv refers to as "...those nasty whores with their whore legs, whore skin and whore bulges. Whores!".…
Archive | Article credit: Modusoperandi | (more...) |
More Religious News
Further Reading
Did You Know...
Topics Needing Expansion
Abu Hamza • Adam • Adam and Eve • Adam Smith • Agnostic • Allah • Angels • Angry Atheist • Anti-Baker • Anti-God • Anti-Muhammed • Antichrist • Azathoth and Nyarlathotep • Baal • Bahá'í • Baphomet • Baptists • Bible Thumper • Bibleman • Bill (son of God) • Bill Bennett • Brian of Nazareth • Brian Tamaki • Cat-tholic • Cliff Richard • Cthulhu • Cyborg Jesus • Cyborg Judas • Dark Lord • Demons • DinoJesus • Ed MacMahon • Ehtheists • Eucharist • Evil Jesus • Father Christmas • Fred Phelps • Ganesha • Gay Jesus • George Hammond • Gnostic • God 2.0 • God Steiger • God/Funny version • God/Unused • God: The Interviews • God-Fearing Republicans • God-Fearing Republicans • Gods • Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want • Gumby • Guy Fawkes • Heretic • Hermaphrodite • Hezbollah (Humanitarian Movement) • Hieronymus Bosch • His Holiness, the Dalai Lama • Ignatius of Loyola • Jamshid Bauerdinedshad • Jebus • Jedi • Jehovah • Jehovah's Witness • Jehovah's Witnesses • Jeohovas witness • Jerry Falwell • Jesus 2.0 • Jesus and the Miracle 5 • Jesus Christ - Alcoholic • Jesus Fucking Christ • Jesus Hasselhoff • Jesús • Jew/Classic • Jew • John Travolta • JR "Bob" Dobbs • Judas Eukaryote • Kaspar Hauser • Keanu Reeves • Khalil Gibran • Loki • Martin Luther King Jr. • Maximus the Lesser • McJesus • Mentalist • Mexican Jesus • Moloch • Monk seal • Monk • Mormons • Muslim • Nega-Pope • Nun • Odin • Pagan • Pelé • Pope Anacletus • Pope Linus • Pope Peter • Protestant • Quakers • Ramayana • Rambo • Ramtha • Raptor Jesus • Ray Comfort • Republican Jesus • Robert Tilton • Saint Augustine • Saint • Samurai Lincoln • Santa Claus • Satan • Shirley Phelps-Roper • Shirley Temple • Søren Kierkegaard • St. Belia • St. Bernard • Stan • Sweet smoking Jesus • Tao jones • The God Couple • The Holy Ghost • The Holy Goh • The Holy Rock • The Holy Spirit • Theist • Thetans • Tooth Fairy • Walpurga (saint) • Wild Jews • Zombie Jesus
Afairyism • Agnosticism • Allah's law • Aniassism • Apatheism • Anti-Semitism • Atheism • Atheism (religion) • Atheist Doctrine • Bassism • Beer • Bonerism • Bracketology • Buddhism • Catholicism • Celestial Teapotism • Christianism • Christianity • Colloquialism • Colonialism • Confucianism • Confusionism • Courtnology • Creationism • Darwinism • Determinism • Discordianism • Duckism • Eastern Unorthodox • Eggnogsticism • Eleven Commandments • Fecundism strategy • Freeslam • • Godwins Law • Goth • Greek mythology • Hebrew • Hinduism • Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition • Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition • Homosexuology • Horoscopes • httpism • Islam • Jainism • Jesus theory • Jewish Dietary Laws • Jizzlam • Judyism • Kabbalah • Linguistic Creationism • Ludism • Lutheranism • Magic Pantheism • Magnetism • Monotheism v 4.3 • Musicology • Neo-Confusionism • New atheism • Oprahism • Pantheism • Papercupism • Patellaology • Pieism • Ponyism • Protestantism • Quakerism • Qu'ran • Rick James Version of the Bible • Sack Religion • Sadism • Santaism • Santanism • Satanic Bible • Science • Scientamish • Scientology • Scientosophy • Soonerism • Sporkism • Stalinism • Supercalifragilisticexpialidociousism • Tao • Televangelism • The Book of Moron • The gospel according to Jim • The Tao of Pooh • Theology • Torah • Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers. • Totally Torah: Genesis • Unitarian Universalism • Veggiestrology • Voidism • Walkentology • Whitism • Wicca • Wikipedianity • Zombie Christianity
A proper Christian burial • Armageddon • Baptise • Chronikkah • Creation • Cthulhu Day • Damnation • December 21, 2012 • Doomsday • Easter of the Living Dead • Exorcism • First Communion • God v. Nietzsche • God v. Nietzsche • God vs. New York • Holy Week • Mass (church) • Passover • Premarital wanking • Presentation of the Lard • Reincarnation • Religious relic trading • Sacrifice • Salvation • Sermon • The Flood Trial • The Great Flood • The Rapture • The Second Coming • War on Science
A.R.C. • Bible belt • Cheetahs Gentleman's Club • Christian Right • Church • Church of Architect • Church of Awesomeness • Church of Buffy • Church of Golly • Church of Later Day Saints • Church of Michael Jordan • Church of Nihilism • Church of Ross • Church of Sony • Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples • Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • Cult • Cult of Apple • Cult of Relativity • Dark side • Dashboard Confessional • Episcopal Church • Family First Party • First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed • Grammatical Pantheon • Great Commission Ministries • Holy Market • Intelligent Design By Committee • Kansas Board of Education • Landover Baptist Church • Manic Street Preachers • Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness • Mosque • Mosques • Mount of Venus • Neon Genesis Evangelion • Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God • Phantasy Star Online • Purgatory • Reformed Church of Alfredo • Salisbury Cathedral • San Andreas Fault • Seventh Day Adventist Church • Society of Jesus • Soul market • St. Peter's Basilica • Stairway to Heaven • Talibanland • That 700 Club • The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy • The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips • The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks • The Church of Tyra • The Church • The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox • The Second Coming Project • The Vatican • Theocracy • United Church of Awesome • Worshippers of the Absolutely Amazing Electric Jellyfish • Wu-Tang Clan
Name: | Abraham | Lao-tse | Buddha | Jesus | Mohammed | Charles Darwin | Bobby Henderson | L. Ron Hubbard | Oscar Wilde |
Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets: | Moses | Peter, Paul, & Mary, Martin Luther |
Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar | Richard Dawkins | Tom Cruise, John Travolta |
||||
Religion(s): | Judaism | Taoism | Buddhism | Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs | Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects | Atheism, Theory of Evolution | Pastafarianism | Scientology | Uncyclopedia |
Miracles (approx.): | 20 | 1 | 7 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 (honest) |
Covenants & Promises: | Milk, honey, and eternal life | Being one with the universe | Reincarnation, Nirvana | Eternal life | Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level | Freedom of thought | Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano | Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity | You will kneel before Wilde. |
Enlightenment (kW): | 1.5 | 150 | 200 | 1.6 | 1.25 | 180 | 100 | -10 000 | ∞ |
Wives (approx.): | 2-3 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 9-30 | 1 | unlimited | 3 (so far) | Ha, ha, ha! |
Followers: | 30-40 mln. (approx.) | 60 mln. (approx.) | 375 mln. | 2.1 bln. | 1.3 bln. | 500 mln. | 120 bln. | 42 | Uncyclopedia admins |
Violent followers: | 2.0% | 0.1% | 0.1% | 2.5% | 2.6% | 0.000001% | 0.01% | 60% | 100% |
Overall result: | GOOD | GOOD | GOOD | NOT BAD | COULD DO BETTER | POOR | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER | POOR |
Value for money: | FAIR | FAIR | FAIR | GOOD | COULD DO BETTER | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER |
The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy | |
Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Mrs. God, Jesús, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan |
The Holy Family of the Jesii † | †||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
|
Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
Original Satan: The one who fell first. | The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan |
Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa. | Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness |
Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness. | The scariest Satan: Antichrist |
Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco | The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ |
Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan | Satan of gaming: Sega |
Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street | Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi |
Satin: Is his name a typo? | Satan's younger brother: Stan |
Dick Cheney: Republican Satan. | Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil |
GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal | Satan of video gaming: EA |
The Seven Deadly Sins |
---|
Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
How can you even think of such things? |
Enjoy their presents, and rejoice their jolly names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Santa. | |
Future Santa: AKA The Ghost of Christmas Future | Save yourself from Robot Santa! |
Black Santa: (Insert a racist joke here) | The kids' most loved bishop:Eurosanta |
Satan Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping... | And if you thought one Satanic Satan was enough... Satan Clause |
Scally Santa: UK's most beloved guy. | The father of all Santas: Father Christmas |
If you are still unsatisfied with these Santas, you can always check out even... | |
More Santas |
---|