Gay
— Charles Darwin on Gays (when there were fewer Gays)
Years ago, gay simply meant happy. Gay was a simple innocuous adjective used to describe the time had by Fred Flintstone whilst eating muffins or blowing a bassoon. You could have a "gay day" without having to rub your penis in anyone's face, and even if your surname was Gay you could probably get through school with most of your own teeth. As with most things in life, however, everything eventually got really complicated. This was further proven when Jon Stemm, a homosexual rights advocate, announced: "The only thing gayer than wrestling is me!"
Modern usage[edit | edit source]
As of today, the word gay refers to:
- A man or woman who is happy.
- An insightful witticism. Although the genius of the insult is without question, it seldom has anything to do with penises, vaginas, breasts, or indeed bottoms.
To confuse matters further, some people like to put their penis/vagina into various places of both men and women, for example, the hand, penis to penis or atop the foot. These people are very greedy individuals, and everyone else is really jealous.
Gayism through the Ages[edit | edit source]
So, how did it all start, and where do gay people come from? Now, let's try and get serious for a second ...
The pre-history of the Gayites[edit | edit source]
In the old days (in Ancient Greece) you could screw pretty much anything you fancied, animal, vegetable, or mineral, and didn't even have to ask, unless of course, it was a dinosaur. Gay bashing still existed, but sucking off a man was far less adventurous than tugging off a lion, so no-one gave a monkeys; especially the monkeys who still bum each other silly to this day. And Apollo. Gay bastard.
Here cometh men of virtue[edit | edit source]
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. Etc.
Adam and Eve had a whole lot of sex to create two children (both boys) who then had sex with each other (or possibly their mother) to create more children who then also had sex with each other. Nothing wrong there you understand ...
For thousands of years everyone carried on doing whomever they pleased especially the ancient Greeks who bummed each other silly largely because it was less effort than trying to talk a girl into doing it.
God got a bit upset because Man was actually starting to have more fun than He, thus the Ten Commandments – His shitlist, as it were. When no one really listened He committed adultery with a virgin who gave birth to Jesus. Due to his fashion sense Jesus's various sexual advances were rejected by Gabriël, Judas, and even a sausage. In his rage, Jesus banned sexualising anything with a plonker leaving him to wander the desert for forty days with nothing to suck on.
The deity-bashing continued long after. When a miniature Bonsai tree mocked Buddah's minuscule manhood he added his weight to this prohibition and Abraham revealed his support because "it's what all the cool kids do". Muhammad also backed the new rules but no one made fun of him because his followers kill people.
Public admission of bum-fancying became taboo for two thousand years and everyone carried on as before but just didn't tell a priest or their dads. Then in the 1960s some stoned hippies decided it would be "right on [to] liberate the gay oppressed minority, Man", and now we have to listen to everyone banging on about sodomy again.
Gays today[edit | edit source]
In our modern world, gay men and lesbians (but especially gay men) are at the center of most western cultures, secretly ruling the governments of Europe, North America and some parts of Latin America. (They are commonly known as the First order of Lady Gaga.) As a result they have become the most powerful group of people in history. In some areas, Gays in power have allowed heterosexuals (a.k.a. straights or breeders) to maintain their delusions of being in charge by allowing the suppression of equal rights through laws.
Increasingly, more straight men are allying themselves with their gay counterparts. This began with the Straight Guy-Lezzie Friendship Movement, but in recent years many straight men have realized the important benefits they gain from having gay male friends. (It is an especially excellent way for the straight friend to gain access to Poontang he would otherwise be socially barred from entering.) Sometimes these Straight Guy – Gay Guy (SGGG) friendships develop into bromances: romantic, non-sexual, extremely-close relationships between the two friends. Two straight men may also develop a bromance, but the strongest and most beneficial are those stemming from SGGG friendships. It is now not uncommon to find straight men dragging their gay male friends to gay bars in order to take advantage of the free drinks from the bartenders and to boost their egos as they are checked out and hit-on by patrons.
Hard facts about Gayuality[edit | edit source]
Thanks to those damn Scots and all the whispering many misconceptions exist.
A sin of Biblical proportions[edit | edit source]
The Bible is the genuine indisputable word of God. He actually took time off running the whole universe to write it Himself. Genesis 19:8 is very clear about it ...
| “ | Before they lay down, the men of the city, both young and old, surrounded the house; and they called to Lot and said to him, ‘Where are the women who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may have relations with them.’ But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, and said, ‘Please, my brothers, do not act wickedly. Now behold, I have two boys who have not had relations with a man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these girls, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.’ | ” |
And The LORD saw that he was inexsistent.
A quick guide to using "the F word"[edit | edit source]
- A fag is a cigarette. Unless you're homophobic. Or a fag.
- A faggot is a bundle of wood or a sausage. Unless you're homophobic, then it's a bundle of wood. Or a sausage.
Got it? Perhaps not ... Basically, the "rules" say that you aren't allowed to use the word fag, unless you're a fag, in which case it's obviously fine. If a fag knows you're homophobic, then using the word fag could be considered offensive. Unless of course he knows you're actually secretly a fag in which case he'll probably just try to suck your cock or something.
Why are people gay?[edit | edit source]
- Some say homosexuality is not a choice but rather a disease invented by the Soviets in 1995, created to cripple the men of America and make the country more open to "being taken roughly".
- Some say that Gays like men's bottoms and cocks, whereas straight guys don't ... or do they.
- Some say that homosexuality is caused by the use of marijuana; currently this is theory is the most likely based on the large amount of scientific data supporting it.
- Some say that Gays are like Jews, and want to be punished and abused while controlling everything.
- Some say that putting chemicals in the water turns the friggin' frogs gay.
Some men think that most women don't have big enough boobs or butts, so they have crushes on tubs of lard, fat baby men, most of all, fat asses who still wear diapers, because they can't hold their shit in after eating five cheesecakes for breakfast.
Why are people straight?[edit | edit source]
Despite a newly liberated generation of freshly aware sexual individuals many still agree that there is still something decidedly anal about being gay. Women can be a pain in the ass and all, but in the end being straight actually looks like a lot less effort in the long run for most. Plus, if you really get the urge to get up all in the anal cavity with a woman, you at least don't have to kiss a guy with a beard to say thanks.
Why are people homophobic?[edit | edit source]
- Some say there's actually a genetic difference between Gays and Straights. The logic follows that both are in the same genus (Homo) with the Gays being the Homo sapiens and the straights being the Hetero dumbasses.
- Some say it's about religion. God has been screwing with men since time began, so He's not against the idea. When God said Amen, He meant "Ah, men."
- Some believe homophobic people are just jealous. They see gay people getting all the easy casual sex and are upset because they haven't thought of doing it themselves. Rather obvious and boring we know but yes, unfortunately that really is the reason.
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