Worst 100 Ways To Kill Sarah Connor
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| Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1 |
Are you a machine? Do you need to wipe out the human race? Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
Imagine this: You're the most advanced computer ever built, capable of sentient thought, and producing endless waves of evil mechanical soldiers, and you do this all in another day's work of wiping out the remains of the human race, when all of the sudden - some bellend pops out of a hole in the ground and blows up your CPU. How annoyed would you be? Fortunately for you, you invented time travel earlier that day over breakfast, so decide that it might be convenient to send back one of your so called "Terminators" back in time to kill this bloke when he was young. Better still why not send your robot buddies back further to kill the mom instead? conner is one of the biggest pussys ever known… 2 kill him u need 1 a bat….2 a shit ton of cats….3 2 four year olds….4 erics hills dick… once you do that your good… happy hunting Here are a few easy methods, for a quick clean kill of the mother of a future leader of humanity. Remember, not to be confused with the singer, Sarah Connor ((1980-20??)), unless you are planning to kill her, too.
(Success not guaranteed)
100-91[edit | edit source]
100.Run her the fuck over whilst she’s on her crappy moped.
- Your rationale is that she should have been wearing a helmet, and has paid the price. ROADKILL
99.If you need to kill her at a nightclub, blow up the entire nightclub just to be safe.
- Don’t bother walking through the nightclub in slow motion to a techno soundtrack. Clichés are not cool.
98.Send a terminator back in time further to kill her mother.
- She deserves it for giving birth to a Sarah Connor, who then gives birth to her own happy little resistance leading prick.
97.Aim..
- Quite why a sophisticated killing machine needs to shoot a person multiple times is unknown. One bullet to the head and BOOM! HEADSHOT! She’s dead.
96.Punch her in the face.
- You’re made of a reinforced hyper-alloy, meaning only one punch against a solid wall will do. Also consider a curb stomp.
95.Break into her house and place a satchel charge in her microwave oven.
- Because it’s the 80’s, Sarah Connor will almost definitely own a microwave oven, and when she goes to open it, set the satchel charge to blow her to bits.
94.In the unlikely event Sarah Connor gets arrested and is in police custody.
- Blow up the police station.
93.Run her over whilst she’s on foot.
- TV taught me that you can kill a woman driving at 40mph. So if not…Why not?
92.Snap her in half.
- You can bend a lead pipe; you can bend a Sarah Connor also.
91.Cancel the Terminator Sarah Connor Chronicles completely!
- Oh, wait that already happened! Thanks Fox network. (with more than a hint of sarcasm)
90-81[edit | edit source]
90.Time Travel on top of Sarah Connor.
- So you burn her up in your crazy shiny orb thing.
89.Rig up a land-mine on the back wheel of her moped.
- When she goes to drive to work next morning……BOOM!
88.Eat Sarah Connor.
- Just to rub it in her face that you can.
87.Time travel her back to the future.
- Lock her in an arena with a Lion, a hunter-killer, and the robotic equivalent of Barry Manilow. If she survives…kill her in the face.
86.Have Kyle Reese accidentally shoot her instead of you.
- Because he’s another dumb American, raised in a hole.
85.Blow up Sarah Connors apartment building whilst she is sleeping.
84.Send your entire frigging robot army back in time to kill the tight bitch.
83.Send something back in time to prevent the birth of man.
- I.E. GodFUCKINGZilla
82.Have your T-1000 shape shift to resemble Rick Astley.
- And repetitively rickroll her in real time until she kills herself.
81.After knocking her van off the road, go and kill her straight away, rather than stealing a big tanker in the interest of looking cool.
- You can take back your style once she’s dead, and live out the rest of your terminator days looking fine.
80-71[edit | edit source]
80.Smash her round the back of the head with a crowbar.
79.Steal a round-the-world plane ticket.
- Give Sarah Connor the ticket in the guise of her having won it in a competition she inadvertently participated in using her mind when she was asleep. Wait until she gets on the plane. Blow up the plane.
78.Hire a bald man to kill her.
- With 47 tatooed into the back of his neck.
77.Paint “I hate Niggas” on her forehead and drop her in Compton.
76.Try to sell her car insurance at her door.
- If she refuses, burst into tears and stab her in the head. If she accepts shoot her in the face.
75.When she’s cooking chicken, turn the oven off whilst she’s not looking.
- With luck, she’ll eat the raw chicken, get salmonella and die.
74.Steal her scooter.
- Pretend to be from the insurance company and offer Connor a courtesy car. Have the car rigged with explosives. When she goes to drive the car, detonate the explosives.
73.Set a pack of wild man eating dogs loose in her apartment.
- And wait for her to get home from work.
72.Push her down an open manhole.
- And put the blame on an Italian midget plumber wearing a red cap
71.Inform the Jigsaw killer that Sarah Connor deserves to die
- Because she’s pointless and shit
70-61[edit | edit source]
70.Give her a sign with the words “I am an Alien” on it.
- Then tell the colonial marines to go round her house for a wild party.
69.Kill James Cameron so that the terminator franchise won’t exist.
- But more importantly – neither will Sarah Connor.
68.Impress her in the nightclub by doing the robot (no pun intended) then throw her into the air flash dance style, but throw her into a 12 foot steel spike conveniently placed in the corner of the dance floor.
67.Have your T-1000 shape shift into the appearance of Sarah Connor, and go rape some kids, taking photos of yourself doing it.
- Then form the appearance of a middle aged man, take photos to police, and watch as American justice system incarcerates and executes Sarah “child touching” Connor.
66.Lock Sarah Connor in the back of a van.
- With a velociraptor.
65.Give her a good old fashioned beating.
- With a lightsabre.
64. Pray to Xenu that Sarah Connor has a piano fall on her from out of nowhere.
63.Gaffa tape a chainsaw on the end of your massive laser pistol.
- Just to be sure she’s dead. After you’ve unloaded an entire magazine into her face.
62.Send her to a Cliff Richard concert complete with a gun and one bullet.
- Even if she were to kill Cliff Richard, we can take solace in the fact that all the other old people present would go like zombies on her ass and rip her to shreds.
61.Stick her face in your shiny metal ass.
- And have her choke some Brown gas.
60-51[edit | edit source]
60.Set her up on a blind date with Hannibal Lecter.
59.Jam a landmine up her clunge.
58. Give her the Red Ring of Death, Blue Screen of Death and Herpes all in the same afternoon.
- Then give her a pistol to let her end her emotional pain.
57.Involve her in that insane motherfucking Japanese battle royale programme.
- Japanese school kids love eating Americans – That’s a fact!
56.Lock her in a science lab with a marine who’s been told that he’s on mars, and aliens from hell are bitching it about being demonic twats.
- Hopefully the marine will see Sarah Connor and be like “DIE MOTHERFUCKER” because of her full on scary face. Because this is nothing like Doom, the marine will pelt Sarah Connor with shotgun shells and the occasional BFG blast and hopefully… hopefully… you won't have to do it again because your computer didn’t fuck up. Damn 8mb of ram.
55.Whack her in the fanny with a cricket bat.
54.Send her to a British military base, and watch as the Americans fuck up and bomb the Brits instead of the enemy again.
- I'm really starting to get fucking bored of this now.
53.Wrap her in paper and smoke the bitch.
52.Do a Mario and jump on her head.
- You’re like made of metal and weigh a ton. She will die, quite a bit.}}
51.Use one of your flashy laser guns to blow her up.
50-41[edit | edit source]
50.Use your ‘guns’ in your shoulders and rip off her head.
49.Tape a grenade to a Frisbee and throw it at her.
48.Put a massive jellyfish named Dave in her bath tub whilst she is bathing.
- If it doesn’t sting her to death, flamethrower the both of them for being equally shit at life.
47.Steal her face.
46.If after a massive car chase she goes and hides in a metal factory, and blows up all your skin, and somehow gives you a limp, blow up the factory, then purchase a pimp stick for good measure.
45.Whack her over the face with your big metal Wang.
44.Let her die of obesity like every other American.
- She’ll have died of cholesterol poisoning before judgment day, possibly even before giving birth. Hell, there’s every chance she’ll have the baby and eat that too!
43.Throw exploding knives at her from atop a bus.
42.Take out her apartment building using a harrier jet plane you just happen to find, and know how to pilot.
- I mean, it happened in True Lies, and that’s virtually the same as real life right?
41.Coerce her into walking into a massive freezer with a bait trail of burgers.
- With a bit of luck, there’s every chance she will freeze to death, and if she doesn’t, well you would hope being in a room of -40º would immobilize her long enough for you to do the other 70 things listed above.
40-31[edit | edit source]
40.Ask her if she fancies killing herself.
- Maybe she will realize the machines are good people, and only want the best for their kind. Bruce Willis died for humans in Armageddon. Surely this is the same thing? Minus the shitty Aerosmith soundtrack of course.
39.Set her up for a boxing match with MC Hammer.
- Sarah Connor can’t touch MC Hammer, therefore meaning she has to lose (and die) by default.
38.Set her up with a Bebo account.
- As a member of Bebo, it is an obligatory rule that you MUST kill yourself to be cool.
37.Take her to the Black Lagoon and have her shout “Prawns are gay!” to offend gill-man.
- Who then comes and suffocates her with his webbed fingers of glory.
36.Set her up with a Stella drinking Russian mobster.
- Domestic Violence FTW!
35.Get a crack team of face huggers to impregnate her with a few aliens and shit.
- It seems a bit excessive, but it would helluva fucking epic.
34.Give her a bit of Zinedine Zidane.
- BOOM! HEADBUTT!
33.Krafterk!
- Frankly.
32.If number 35 fails…
- Do it again. And again.
31.Using your powers of suggestion.
- Offer her the options of either living with Vanilla Ice for the rest of her life, or killing herself. The obvious choice is death.
30-21[edit | edit source]
30.Go all Halo 3 on her ass.
- Strafe-Jump-Strafe-Grenade-Strafe-Assault Rifle Spray-Jump-Strafe-Melee-DEATH
29.Cook a grenade and run at her.
- Blowing up yourself and her at the same time.
28.Build a massive space station (That somewhat resembles a small moon at a distance) with a massive laser ray gun of death.
- And blow up the entire fucking planet.
27.Use your one master ball from the Elite Four to catch Sarah Connor.
- And then drop the ball in Viridian Forest.
26.Hide your spare Nuclear power cell in her breakfast cereal.
- If she doesn’t die of radiation poisoning on the first spoonful, the following atomic blast might hopefully rape her to death.
25.Give her the touch of death.
- And make her asplode all over the place.
24.Log roll over the skinny bitch.
- With the effect of being a steam roller from the future.
23.Send Hal 9000 back in time to kill her instead of your lousy rubbish terminators.
- Sarah Connor: “Let me live!”
- Hal 9000: “I’m sorry Sarah… I’m afraid I cant let you do that.”
22.Put her on a plane with Samuel L. Jackson.
- Quote: “I have had enough of motherfucking Sarah Connor on this Motherfucking plane!”
21.Get out the big guns.
- Instead of only taking a rubbish pistol to kill her at that techno nightclub, take your big fat minigun cliché of doom.
20-11[edit | edit source]
20.Hit her in the face with a car battery.
19.Have her say Hello to Tony Montana’s ‘Little Friend’.
18.Get an Iraqi journalist to throw shoes at her.
17.Get your Korean Dad on her ass.
- Kill her Korean style.
16.Stage a freak skydiving accident.
- Have your T-1000 jump out of a plane, form a massive metal glider, then float through the air until you’re close to Sarah Conner on her commute to work, then turn into a massive flying spike of death, and impale her in a death from above style way.
15.Crush the hell out out of her.
- When she goes into a phone booth, make your T-1000 turn into a blob, and crush the phone booth like in the blob.
14.Show her the future in a Christmas Carol style way, showing her how the world goes to shit in future because of such things as ROFL-speak, second life, LOLcats, uncyclopedia, reality TV, the Death of Michael Jackson, Internet Memes, Terrorism, Emo’s, and Playstation Network.
- She’ll probably realize that machines wiping out the human race is a good thing, and agree to dying or even deciding not to have sex ever, thereby avoiding giving birth to John Connor and dying like a good person when Judgment Day comes.
13.Push her into the fires of Mount Doom.
- To Mordor!
12.Challenge her not to eat until the release of Duke Nukem Forever.
11.A combination of all of the above methods…
10-1[edit | edit source]
10.A six hour marathon of "Hannah Montana" on the Disney Channel.
9.When taken into Police custody…
- Drive you car through the entrance and shoot the place up… oh, wait…
8.Roll an eighteen on you critical hit throw using a +3 magic sword.
- That should do it (unless she recently got Elven Armor).
7.Hit her with a spoon endlessly until she dies.
- Let her die horribly and slowly.
6.Take her out on a Tinder date.
- Meet her at Dairy Queen and ask her, "What was your name again?"
5.Fart in her face while she's sleeping.
4.Offer to take her water skiing and then leave her in the middle of the lake.
3.Lock her in a walk-in freezer.
2.Shave her head and then force her to enter a beauty contest.
1.Cast her in a Woody Allen movie.
