Wolfgang Fuck
“Live! Love! Eat! Shit! Die!”
Wolfgang Augustus Fuck (born Wolfgang Augustus Gloop on January 8, 1949) is an Austrian-American celebrity chef, restaurateur, and businessman based in Los Angeles, California. He owns a selection of restaurants, ranging from the upscale Fago, Chinkwaa, and Nostrelo restaurants to the casual Wolfgang Fuck Café and Wolfgang Quick Fuck chains.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Wolfgang Fuck was born to Maria Gloop nine months after she was found stuffing a jaeger schnitzel, served in a delightful port and veal stock reduction and wild mushroom compote, into her vagina. Maria married her attendant at the insane asylum, Josef Fuck in 1956, who adopted Wolfgang.
Fuck was a chubby child due to his proximity to food, as his mother sometimes worked under the famous Austrian chef Pierre Knobbutter. While she was busy upstairs working under him, young Wolfgang would hang out in the kitchen with the cooks. Wolfgang and the chef would play a game called "The Final Solution" where the cooks would chase Wolfgang around the kitchen shouting "Here, little piggy! Here, little piggy!" If they caught him they would stuff him into an oven and turn on the heat until he had 2nd degree burns all over his body.
Wolfgang had found his calling. At the age of 8 he demanded a complete set of All-Clad cookware for Christmas and when he got an EZ-bake oven instead, he dropped trou, crapped in the oven and created his first Wolfgang Fuck Signature Dish: Wolfenshitzen.
Wolfgang's Golden Ticket[edit | edit source]
In 1971 Willy Wonka opened his factory to five children lucky enough to find a golden ticket in one of his candy bars, in order to find an heir for his chocolate empire. The young Wolfgang, after having broken into candy stores all over Austria, seemed to be having no luck. By fortunate circumstance, Wolfgang was standing next to a small, malnourished child by the name of Charlie Bucket when Bucket found the last ticket. Fuck followed the child back to his residence, murdered him and his mother, then buried their bodies in the snow. He then set their house on fire. The bodies of four elderly people were found inside after the flames were extinguished, their crippled and bed-ridden state apparently having prevented their escape.
In the factory itself Fuck found a wonderland of comestibles and culinary delights. During the tour he sabotaged the other children. One, he force-fed a piece of poisonous gum. Another he locked in a room with a pack of carnivorous squirrels. A third he bludgeoned to death with a television camera. Fuck won the contest. Now Wonka's heir, he dispatched the old man by planting dynamite around the Great Glass Elevator. Wonka entered, pressed "Up and Out" and just as the elevator punched a hole into the sky, the dynamite exploded. The flying glass cut Wonka to ribbons. His remains were found as far away as 1200 feet. Fuck liquidated Wonka's empire, sold the Oompa Loompas into child pornography, shut down the factory and left for the United States.
Fuck takes America[edit | edit source]
Fuck moved to Los Angeles in 1982, where he planned to start a chain of fast food restaurants and sell gourmet cuisine such as chicken Cordon Bleu in large red buckets. This dream was sadly crushed when the ruthless Col. Sanders sued him for copyright infringement. However, Fuck's dream refused to die.
Shortly thereafter, he borrowed $23 million dollars from an Austrian Hitler Youth friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had somehow become a movie star despite his unintelligible accent. Arnold told him to look to the rising number of "yuppies" who would pay good cash for stupid things if they thought it would make them look hip.
Fuck abandoned his fast food plan, and instead established himself by selling extremely, extremely small amounts of food for obscene amounts of money in a tiny little restaurant called "Fago" that was very difficult to get in to due to its miniature door. Weight- and status-conscious Los Angelinos ate it up (or didn't). Fago became the place to see and be seen in LA society.
However, these were the go-go 80's. Sex and cocaine were so prevalent that waiters were regularly tipped in 8-balls and one well-endowed busboy actually hung his penis out through his zipper and would fluff himself throughout the night. Incredibly, this worked and he was the recipient of much head and poontang in the bathroom between seatings. Even more incredibly, this part is true.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
In 1985 Wolfgang was dating a woman named Barbara Lazyeye, an interior designer. Wolfgang mistakenly gave her keys to his house and she immediately moved in. Wolfgang lamented to a friend "That woman is still in my house! I can't get rid of her!" Wolfgang, the poor sod, eventually caved in and married her.
Barbara would become responsible for the designs of all of Wolfgang's restaurants, which the design magazine Ghastly Interior Monthly variously described as "Darling", "Sumptuous" and "Looks like a Kaleidescope puked and it stuck to the walls. I loved it."
However, in 2002, after 15 years of marriage, Wolfgang discovered that Barbara was Irish, immediately divorced her, disowned his children, Cameron and Byron, and took up with a negress, 14 year-old Gelila Assonfiya. Assonfiya is expecting their second child together, an octoroon, due in December 2006.
Wolfgang's Empire[edit | edit source]
His success enabled him to launch an empire that currently includes Fago, a string of Restaurants (six in Tokyo alone), cookbooks, a line of crap kitchen equipment and appliances sold on HSN, and food products.