Wilt Chamberlain
“Float like a butterfly, fuck like a rabbit.”
Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain is considered by many as possibly the best basketball player of all time. To this day he still holds the record for most points scored in a game (100), most rebounds in a season (903), and most women slept with (over 600,000 and counting). Wilt Chamberlain also admitted that he used to consort with buffaloes, which puts him on equal footing with Dennis Rodman.
Early years[edit | edit source]
Wilt conceived himself, after somehow impregnating his own mother and both of her sisters, in 1936. In 1955, at just 18 years old, he stood over 9 feet tall and sported a lovely Afro hairdo.[1] Unfortunately for him, his hair was maimed in a catastrophic ceiling fan accident, leaving him standing a mere 7'1".
When Wilt began his profession in basketball, he was told he would never be able to succeed because he was too tall and a black man. On top of that, he refused to take the drugs his coach offered to the whole team, for he was too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle. But Wilt soon showed everyone that basketball, and cross-country fornication, were made for the tall, black man. After only two seasons, Wilt averaged around 100 points a game and slept with the mommas of those who said he would never make it as a player, bar none.
Wilt fucked your mom[edit | edit source]
Chamberlain started to become a nationwide sensation. The more points he scored on the court, the more he scored off the court with the ladies. Because Chamberlain was a black man in a time when the white man was a racist son of a bitch,[2] he was forced to begin his career with the Philadelphia 69ers pro bono. To rebel against the white oppressors, Wilt celebrated each victory by having sex with all of the opposing team's wives and girlfriends. When Wilt won MVP in 1968, he upped the celebration by not just seducing the wives and girlfriends of his opponents, but also his own teammates' wives/girlfriends, and a few of his teammates.
By the time Wilt retired in 1977, he had slept with half of the planet, including your mom's mom, her grandmother and probably even her grandfather and his grandfather's grandmother. Though scientific limits prevent us from learning about his exploits beyond that, we wouldn't bet against his conquests predating the Cambrian period.
People Wilt claims he slept with[edit | edit source]
Wilt was often questioned about the legitimacy of his sexual claims, but he decided to finally put any doubts to rest in a tell-all interview in 1989. Chamberlain went on to list every conquest in his lifetime, from the loss of the V-Card to the very interviewer herself. Here is a snippet of names from the mythological catalog:
Though concrete evidence of these individual claims is as hard to find as an L.A. Clippers fan, sex historians have resigned themselves to simply taking Wilt's word for it.
Is he the greatest of all time?[edit | edit source]
The argument of who is the all-time greatest Basketball player has been going on for years. Some say the best is Michael Jordan, others say it is Magic Johnson or Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Some even say it's some white dude or that rapist who might have raped someone once. Nevertheless, some will argue till they are blue in the face that the best is Wilt.
Wilt is the best?[edit | edit source]
- Scored 100 points in a game, nearly halting progress on the world's first scoreboard.[3]
- Scored with more women than Magic Johnson and never contracted the AIDS virus.
- Scored with Magic Johnson and still didn't contract AIDS.
- Fucked people's wives and girlfriends without his own wife finding out about it.[4]
- Only member in the NBA who ever fucked a basketball to death.
Wilt isn't the best?[edit | edit source]
- He led the league in assists only because he was a bigger ball hog then Pickles, the magical basketball-playing boar.
- No one believes he fucked anyone. At least when Magic got AIDS, it proved he really did "get some."
- Did anyone actually see him score 100 points? At least when other players fail to match his record, they're playing teams that aren't predominantly legally blind.
- Did anyone actually see him score with 100 women? Witness testimony confirms he's slept with seventy two women at once on two separate occasions, but never 100.
- No one asked him to star in Space Jam.
Verdict[edit | edit source]
So was it true that Wilt is the greatest of all time at basketball and attracting pussy? It's hard to tell now that Wilt is no longer with us. He died in 1999 from a massive heart attack at an NBA all-star game, when he tried to chat up a girl sitting in front of him. When the woman turned around to to face Wilt, he found out it was actually Dennis Rodman in his Sunday best.
I guess we have no verdict! The argument will blather on for years to come: was Wilt who he said he was, who he thought he was, or did he just crap on and on and on about who he wished he was? The world may never know.
| |
| Organizations | NBA • WNBA • XBA |
| Players | Kareem Abdul-Jabbar • Deandre Ayton • Charles Barkley • Larry Bird • Kobe Bryant • Wilt Chamberlain • Kevin Garnett • Phil Jackson • Jerome James • LeBron James Jr. • LeBron James Sr. • Magic Johnson • Michael Jordan • Jeremy Lin • Aleksei Mendeleevskiy • Dikembe Mutombo • Shaquille O'Neal • Terrell Owens • Scottie Pippen • Willis Reed • Dennis Rodman • Brian Scalabrine • Dwyane Wade • Spud Webb • Delonte West |
| Teams | Boston Celtics • Brooklyn Nets • Chicago Bulls • Dallas Mavericks • Los Angeles Clippers • Los Angeles Lakers • Milwaukee Bucks • New York Knicks • Philadelphia 76ers • Portland Trail Blazers • San Antonio Spurs • Washington Wizards |
| Events | NBA Jam • Space Jam |
| Misc. | Basketball hoops • NBA 2K • Stephen A. Smith |